Criterion Classics: Artful Americana

The Criterion streaming service is only for the real high brow stuff. By which i mean high brow like the people's eyebrow, raised charismatically at a big fat pair of attitude era Sable titties. That's what it's all about. That's what America is all about.

If you're not born and raised in the real USA, you wouldn't understand. Some art is of it's time, of it's place, and of it's nation. The common theme here is the soul of a nation. Stories, characters, adventures, and wacky pranks of a uniquely American spirit.

Jackass The Movie

This might not be the classiest picture on the criterion service, but it's damn sure the assiest, and it absolutely belongs on there, both as a cinematic masterpiece and as a true American original. This movie was an event when it came out, but in hindsight it's even more than that. It's a work of art, and an indelible artifact of it's time.

I used to record Jackass on VHS tapes and watch the same episodes over and over. It never got old then, and it still hasn't now. These guys seemed like heroes back in the day, and it's a blast from the past rewatching this and seeing them so young and full of life.

Nothing here has lost its charm. Bam's pranks on his parents are hilarious, Party Boy's antics are inspiring, and Knoxville's constant brushes with violent death are terrifying. It's a comedy, a horror film, and a happy nostalgic hangout from a more innocent time all at once. It was, and remains, a perfect film.

These days Steve-O's a shill for boner-chew, Bam's a dilapidated trainwreck, Ryan Dunn's dead, Knoxville has been concussed into a premature geriatric and Pontius... well he still seems to be doing alright. Let's all make a vow to age like Party Boy.

Beavis and Butthead Do America

This is also a perfect film, and another cultural milestone. There are scenes in this movie that live in my head forever, like Beavis eating that cactus and tripping balls in the desert, or when they're dancing in the casino like idiots to The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Both of them dancing like idiots in the casino.

It's also a smart movie, or at least a clever one. These two dipshit characters are used to make some real satirical observations about the stupidity of society, government, and national identity. There's also a ton of funny jokes about scoring and farting and shitting and getting cavity searched.

In the end Beavis and Butthead are both the heroes this country needs and deserves. They are the Huck Finns of their time, and I know, because I'm the Mark Twain of my time. When the world is finally ready to acknowledge that, this nation and every nation will begin to heal.

No Country For Old Men

This somber ass film is so good it's almost no goddamn fun to watch. Morose is what it is. But also, dusty, rusty, and grimly contemplative. This is a boy movie if ever there was one. No jokes, no levity, no fun. Just pure, lugubrious stewing in the malaise of a frontier that was fenced and a society that was corrupted long ago. Know what I'm sayin?

Everything's been said about this movie. I just think it's cool. I like the shooting and the killing and the running and the hiding and the grumbling. The grumbling most of all. Grumbling and lamenting. Pissing and moaning about what was and what will never be again. That's the way of old men, and the way of America is straight down the fuckin tubes, baby.  

The Truman Show

If this movie were any more ahead of it's time it would have released tomorrow. Sadly, profoundly true to the hellish digital panopticon that so many of us are imprisoned in today.

Forever hounded by the drooling idiot masses and their fickle, retarded judgment. Bombarded with ads in every facet of our fake lives. Objectified and exploited at every turn by invisible masters to distract an insipid public that would just as pretend to root for us but would just as soon watch us be tormented and killed.

Our souls, depleted. Our existence, empty. Our minds, dulled. Unable to see the man behind the curtain, born to play role chosen for us, never to know ourselves or find our peace. Isolated and alienated from all others, unable to trust in anyone or anything. No real connection, nothing real at all.

Also, Jim Carrey is fucking funny as fuck.