Criterion Picks: Classic Dick Flicks and Classy Ass Chicks

Cowabunga, cretins. I'm still surfing the criterion channel on high-brow waves of classic cinema, real classy stuff. I got a classic flick about a private dick, an indie pic with a feisty chick, and an animated sensation about a lady space station... or something. I'm not really sure what that last one was about.

The Maltese Falcon

This movie fuckin rules. I don’t know if it’s the first detective noir, but it’s definitely the most influential. It feels unmistakably like the origin of every genre trope you can think of. Every detective story you’ve ever seen suckles from this film’s fast-talking teet. The dialogue is so crisp, and stylish. The characters, so memorable and cool. The mystery… so mysterious. 

The broad, such a babe. A bad piece of booty. A femme fatale. A troublesome twat, a dishonest dish, a hysterical hussie, and a dumb presumptuous bitch. Those are all compliments, just to be clear. 

It’s all about this big fat fuck trying to get his hands on a big money bird. He does all kinds of scheming, but the hardass detective Sam Spade and his massive maltese balls are in the way, outsmarting the fat man at every turn. 

The best character is the creep lackey played by Peter Lorre, who in one scene gets so fuckin pissed off, and calls fatty a bloated idiot with such succulent contempt that decades later his fuming rant served as the inspiration for one of the greatest cartoon voices of all time, my spirit animal Ren

Hell yeah, I love an iconic rant. Rage is the highest form of performance. 

Girlfight

Watching this felt like unearthing someone’s secret origin. You know that Michelle Rodriguez chick who’s always acting tough and wearing a tank top? Well this independent flick from 2000 is the ether from which she emerged, fully formed. This was her first film and the character she played in it would go on to be the character she plays for the rest of her life. 

She’s just a babyfaced fawn here, beating up bimbos in high school. She’s got a mean dad and a dead mom and she just wants to beat people up. So she convinces some oldheads to train her as a boxer. She boxes her own boyfriend and beats the shit out of her bad dad. It’s pretty cool. Although I don’t know if it’s as cool as Luna Vachon attacking Sensational Sherri backstage that one time, that was a pretty badass Girlfight. 

It’s probably not fair to compare the movie Girlfight to every Girlfight in history, cause I can think of more than a few pretty great ones. Remember the time Android 18 kicked Vegeta’s fuckin ass? That was hardcore. Or that one movie where Jennifer Lawrence shows vag and beats up teenagers. I haven’t even seen that movie, just watched that one scene on the internet 50 times. 

Taken on it’s own, this is a fine little independent film, and Rodriguez is young and spunky in it. Her natural charisma is on full display from the very beginning of her career and it’s not surprising that Hollywood saw this and declared she will be the one to play every tough bitch in a tank top from now on. 

She doesn’t show vag though, and still hasn’t to my knowledge. So Jennifer Lawrence might be taking her spot at the top of Girlfight Mountain. Being the coolest and most badass babe is a matter of 10 percent kicking ass and 90 percent showing vag. You can’t argue with math. 

Delta Space Mission

Here’s a real what the fuck little motherfucker for ya. An animated sci-fi prog-rock mess from Fuckoslavokia or something like that. I had never heard of it in my life but it was a gnarly find. A buried treasure from beyond tomorrow, reminiscent of Fantastic Planet, with strong Tarkus vibes.

If that description means nothing to you, tough. It can be explained no other way, and i refuse to try. Suffice to say, this is a perfect flick to watch while pleasantly stoned.

Basically it's about a spaceship that develops consciousness and falls in love with a sexy green journalist. But I'm tellin ya, i only know that from reading what the hell i just watched after the fact. In the moment i understood nothing but the funky sounds and groovy visuals and that's all i needed to understand. That's all anyone needs.

Sexy green space-women are a universal language, so me and the spaceship are in agreement. Most relatable character in cinema.