Shudder Crud Beyond

One Missed Call

I didn’t understand what the hell was going on in this movie but it was Hella cool. Obviously it's about haunted phone calls, that part i get, but this flick is long and has all kinds of plot. The characters are constantly going to a new spooky location to investigate some vital piece of lore behind this haunted phone call mystery. 

I didn't need to understand what's happening to know that the scary stuff looks scary as fuck and the cool stuff is cool as hell. Good spooky vibes here. This is another Miike flick, that guy’s slick.

Like every J-Horror of this era, there’s an American remake, but I ain't watchin that shit. The only American J-Horror remake I accept is Dark Water, which improves on the original by having Jennifer Connelly in her 30s. Ooh baby, she can find my bloated carcass floating in leaky buttwater anyway. 

That’s one call I would not miss. A call from Jennifer Connelly. On my cell phone. Asking me on a date. I’d be ripping my pants off like The Hulk, taking Betty Ross up in a tree. I’m the Happy Horny Hulk, nothin bothers me!

Oddity

Uh oh. Horny Hulk is hot and bothered by hot blind white haired middle aged Irish lady.

A talky horror that unfolds slowly, so you won't know where the hell it's going until it gets there. It unfolds like a blooming onion. Tastes like an onion too. That’s good. 

Onions are good and they make you cry, but not everything that makes you cry is good like onions. Jump scares make me cry because they’re scary, so I don’t like em. Jumpscares to be the lowest form of horror, but miraculously this movie has two that i don’t hate. They’re creatively done and effective beyond the typical loud startling stink of boo-shit. 

This movie has a cool atmosphere, it’s got a cool spooky house and cool spooky Irish people pissing each other off. The coolest thing about the movie is something I don't want to give away. I'll just say it reminds me of a certain creepy 90s anthology movie segment, in the best way possible. A segment involving… revenge… of an… indigenous nature. 

Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon (Episode 1)

I don’t know how or why this franchise is still going, but at least this series is all about the only guy on the show who matters, my man Sam Porter Bridges. He’s in France now for some reason. He keeps saying he left home to “find” something, but he doesn’t find shit except some loser idiot nuns who immediately out themselves as loser idiots by doing the oldest and dumbest mistake in the book, keeping a zombie in a tiny room like they think they can cure it. 

How d these people not get it by now? Aren't we like 20 years in? How do they not know the rules? They still think these fuckers can be cured? I don't care how fervently you pray, if you're a zombie, God's already given up on you. They're waiting on a miracle but this dude ain't prayin, he's preyin, on you.

Anyway there's not much to this so far. It's just Daryl going around grumbling at people who suck, which i suppose is all it needs to be. Daryl's cool, that’s the whole entire story.

Beyond that, it’s the same walking dead that’s been trundling along for 500 years. Ugly grey people fighting ugly grey zombies in an ugly grey world. I’ll never see episode 2, I'm already asleep. 


VHS Beyond

I always want to like these movies more than I do. The segments start out cool but they all end the same way, with someone screaming and shaking the camera around while it glitches out so you can’t see a fucking thing. 

This one features a segment with a cool Bollywood dancing killer robot lady... that you can’t see. One guy goes in a flying saucer or something, that you can't see. Every time something seems like it might be happening, the camera starts glitching out like a wet game boy.

There’s been like 7 of these VHS movies, and every good segment from them would be better if it were just filmed like a regular movie that I can actually see. Some of them are genuinely creative and compelling, but even the best ones suffer from found footage fuckery. 

The one segment that really annoys me here is the one with dogmen. Don’t get me wrong, the concept of Dogmen is as hilarious as it is terrifying. But i can’t overlook the fact that this a blatant Tusk rip off with dogs instead of a walrus. 

It’s not a coincidence either. This one was written and directed by Justin Long, aka the Walrus from Tusk. He must have gotten blackout drunk and forgot he was in that movie already, then started writing his Dogmen thing and thought he came up with it. That’s pretty walrus-brained of him. Or maybe dog-brained. Some kind of inferior brain anyway. 

Dogmen. Disgusting.