Groovy Tunes: Rock n Roll Road Trip

 

I recently had places to go and cool stuff to do, so i drove to the place, did the stuff, and am currently doing more stuff. Maybe I'll tell ya about it someday. But first I'm gonna tell you about some groovy tunes i listened to while spacing out in my car for 20 hours.

My method of choosing what to listen to has evolved in numerous strange ways over the years. Today's theme is whatever random CDs i can grab reaching blindly into my backseat while swerving all over the road and nearly dying.

There's a lot of random stuff back there. I like to listen to everything, but that doesn't mean i like everything i listen to. Some of these albums have earned the right to stay in my car forever, others are to be thrown out the window because i don't know how they got there in the first place.

Mastodon - Leviathan



Once there was a band called Mastodon, who made an album about a whale, and they decided to make it heavier than both of those things combined. I remember when this album came out, it got passed around school like a class hamster. It was regarded as something exciting and profoundly cool. 

This is meant to be a concept album about Moby Dick or something, but it really could be about anything, because I can't tell what the guy was saying on a single damn song. I can’t even tell the songs apart because the goddamn vocals are so low in the mix they’re completely drowned out by all the furious riffing and ass pounding drum fills. 

This wouldn’t bother me so much on a punk bootleg or grunge b-side, but when it’s a big grandiose thrash metal concept album, I'd like to be able to hear the fucking concept. Without being able to discern any of the lyrics, all the songs bleed into each other and become indistinguishable. It’s all just one continuous wall of violence, thrashing and bashing my brain into blubber. 

It certainly all sounds good, it sounds heavy and cool, but I sincerely could not describe a single song, let alone identify one, and I've probably heard this damn thing 50 times. The music just pummels you relentlessly, like great waves crashing into your ship, throwing you overboard into an icy oblivion. In a way I suppose it’s the perfect concept album, because if I were fighting a dread leviathan in a terrible storm, I probably wouldn’t be able to form any coherent thoughts either. 

Listening to this album all the way through is exhausting. There’s only 10 tracks but getting through them feels like being lost at sea for 10 years. I recommend this to anyone who wants to not only listen to music, but get their ass kicked by it. 

6/10

That’s enough metal for today. I need to calm myself with something a little softer…

John Mayer- Paradise Valley



John Mayer is the man who cracked the code. Anyone else with his considerable guitar skills would probably waste them on making music that’s actually good. But John Mayer is a diabolical genius. He figured out early on that by exclusively playing and creating pussy music, he would actually get more pussy than any man alive, because if there’s one thing women love, it’s annoying milquetoast bullshit.

I’m pretty sure John Mayer has banged more chicks than Ghengis Khan, and he did it not by raiding villages and slaughtering peasants, but by assaulting my ears and raping the very concept of music. His life’s work is proving himself the world’s straightest man, by making the gayest music of all time. 

He’s the only man in history to have banged Taylor Swift and not had his life ruined by it, which makes sense because he is the male Taylor Swift, so it’s like Narcissus falling in love with his own reflection, cumming on it, and then writing a lame song about breaking up with himself so he can bang more chicks on the rebound. He’s an incubus, and I don't mean the cool Incubus that made all those rad surfing songs. 

Mayer and Taylor both need to be stopped before they use, discard, and break the hearts of every man and woman on the planet. None of us are safe from these demonic guitar sluts slithering their way into our underpants with their hypnotically awful music. 

Throughout his hoary (and whorey) career, John Mayer has scientifically synthesized every known way that a man with a guitar can be annoying, and he gleefully, devilishly, stuffs them all down your windpipe until your gasping for oxygen while somehow failing to die. He’s really determined to touch on every possible permutation of an obnoxious douchebag who brings his guitar to a party. It’s his genre and within that genre he is a Renaissance man. 

This album specifically has gotta be the gayest collection of songs you’re ever likely to hear. He leans hard in a sort of folksy aww shucks good old American boy direction on this one, and it’s just as insufferable as you might imagine, just kidding it’s actually worse. Mayer leaves no steamy cowpie un-smelled on his quest to make the American frontier sound more like the American Cunt-Queer.

It’s got your poppy and poopy campfire singalongs for the most boring kind of white people, unbearably saccharine, soft-weiner sensitive-boy songs about nostalgic summer flings and high school heartache, at least one extremely irritating Katy Perry collab where they both repetitiously croon the lamest hook I've ever heard in my fucking life, and a whole bunch of other faux-Americana horseshit that i don’t even wanna talk about. The only Americana i wanna hear is the one with Pretty Fly For A White Guy on it.

I hate this damn record, I hate all of it. Every single track belongs in a sewer. Okay there’s two songs on here i kind of like, but not because they’re good songs. More because i find them unintentionally hilarious.

"Dear Marie" has him pining for some high school sweetheart whose life he probably ruined. The idea of John, Mayer of Pussy Town, trying to sound relatable by stalking an old flame’s facebook and getting sad that she’s married is so retarded I can't help but appreciate the attempt. It would almost be a sweet little sentiment for a song if it were anyone but him singing it, because all I can think is  “thank God Marie got away from this jerk”. 

The other song that I must begrudgingly admit to somewhat enjoying is “I will be found (Lost at Sea)”, which I’m tempted to disqualify for having such a clunky title. I can barely comprehend what this song is trying to say because the lyrics are such ridiculous boo boo baby talk. Every time he gets to the hook and says, in that distinctively homo John Mayer voice of his, “I’m a little birdie in a big old tree” I feel like I'm gonna die laughing like the weasels in Roger Rabbit. This shit belongs on Sesame street because it makes me feel like a child again. Specifically a child in 1998, wearing a Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirt and calling everything gay. 

2/10

Okay now I really need a palette cleanser. Something undeniably righteous and rad...

Alice Cooper - Killer



Now this right here is one of those special CDs that will never, and I mean NEVER leave my car. I need it on hand at all times, in case i accidentally listen to some John Mayer and require an emergency injection of violent venom and Rock n Roll realness to save me.

Masterpiece doesn't even begin to describe this masterpiece, it's easily one of the greatest pure Rock albums ever summoned from Hell and recorded for the betterment of Earth. From the moment you pop this fucker in, Coop comes out of the gate snarling at you over the grooviest goddamn rocky horror glam riff you've ever sniffed, while the SEXophone sucks your ear's dick and tickles your brain until your nose cums a satisfied sneeze. That's just the first track and it only gets gnarlier from there.

Be My Lover a strong contender for most badass song of all time, it is the very essence of cool. Scientists should work on converting this song into a scent and selling it as cologne, I promise it'll drive the girls wild. HipHop-heads like to debate about the GOAT Lyricist, but I'm telling you this rock song from 1971 features some of the dopest bars ever written.

I told her that i came from Detroit City

And I play guitar in a long haired rock n roll band

She asked me why the singer's name was Alice

I said listen baby, you really wouldn't understand

Really think about those lyrics for a second. That's Alice singin em. How many lead singers in rock bands do you know who would take the time to write a song about getting laid from the perspective of his guitar player. Alice Cooper is the ultimate wingman.

After that the album decides to take you on an 8 minute acid trip called Halo of Flies, which is what you'll be wearing after this audio assault leaves you dead in the desert to rot in the sun. This song is like 5 different songs and all of them sound completely insane. You cannot escape. You will not survive. The name of this album is not a joke, it will fucking kill you.

But don't worry, because you'll then be carried up the River Styx and float back into your body to be resurrected as a much cooler and sexier person when you hear Desperado, which i can only describe as a musical seduction spell.

You will rise from your grave with a raging boner and the newfound ability to manifest a leather jacket whenever you want like a power ranger transformation. If this song were a woman i would fuck it, if it were a man i would let it fuck me, but since it's a song, it just makes me wanna fuck everyone at once, and i will. That's the kind of power it gives me.

There's 4 more divine tracks to rock you to death and back to life all over again, but I'm not gonna sit here and explain every one. Writing about this album makes me wanna go listen to it instead of composing any more funny stuff about it. So go experience it for yourselves. That's your homework. Listen to this damn album and get killed by it right fucking now. If the album deems you worthy you may yet live again, and be a better person for it. But if you are unworthy, then I'm afraid it's off to Hell with you.

10/10