Echo-Pod 8: Restaurant Rumble

The porpoise-people of the pod-squad continue to project pod topics into my pituitary as per the power of paying me patronage. They cry out for answers about all that's important in life. Today it's Weird Al and big food, and I just so happen to be an expert on both. Also wrestling. Always wrestling. I am wrestling.

First Topic sent in for this one is a humble plea for my undiluted thoughts and feelings on the new bio-pic parody Weird: The Al Yankovic Story, Al's first feature flick since UHF, which is somehow so wacky and far out UHF might actually be the more down to Earth of the two.

I also lament that Al hasn't released an album since 2016, but i was wrong, it was actually 2014, so that's even more disappointing. I'm dying out here. The stuff at the top of today's charts is in desperate need of parodizing because it's all so hideously bland and terrible. I need to hear today's hits made funny and cool, and Al's the only one who can do it. Maybe if we all support this movie and believe hard enough he'll hear our prayers and bless us with a triumphant comeback. A man can dream.

Someone also sent in a topic about restaurants, specifically any amusing stories i might have of good or bad things that happened to me in a restaurant. I'll have you know that I'm always on my best and fattest behavior in restaurants so if you're expecting anything more wild or interesting than "I eat too much bread every damn time", then you've mistaken me for someone who doesn't know how to act in public. I sir, am an adult. I don't come to Olive Garden for adventure and excitement, I go there to sit fatly and look at my wife's heaving cleavage.

There is one miserable restaurant story i remembered, but i tried recording it twice and both times I feared it came out sounding too miserable and not at all funny. So I left it out, and I'll just add it here in the text post. On my 20th or maybe 21st birthday I took my friends out to eat because i wanted to do something nice and generous, on account of how i loved them so much. But after the meal some drunk guy in the parking lot picked a fight with me from the window of his pickup. I didn't do anything to this guy, he just hated that i was young and had friends.

He kept saying he had a gun so for once in my life I made the mature choice to walk away, but I was not a mature person so walking away felt like backing down and that felt terrible. I just wanted my friends to have a good time, not be involved in a shooting because I'm a magnet for shitheads.

It was lame as fuck and put a damper on the whole evening. See? Not a fun story. When I make my own hilarious biopic that scene will end differently, with me picking his truck up like Superman and pile-driving it into the ocean with him in it. What a cunt. Ruined my goddamn birthday. I hope he's dead.

Now if you wanted to hear bar stories, then i could tell you about some times i was a total badass. I've opened cans of whoop-ass and tossed guys out of bars like Stone Cold tossing guys out of the Royal Rumble, because I'm Irish and Jameson gives me super powers. But they don't serve Jameson at family diners so all i can do there is eat my feelings, which is considerably less Rock n Roll but still very Disco.