Midnight Pals: Elon's Offer

King: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the
Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] heeeeeey stephano king!
Musk: i gotta greata business proposition for you
Musk: how you lika ta maka some real money
Musk: i gotta opening atta grok
Musk: but you gotta be a real epic to get it

Musk: see, we gotta da problem witta da grok
Musk: it no maka stories no good
Musk: so we need hira a writer to fix them
King: grok can't write?
Musk: yeah da writing machine i make
Musk: it good atta da racism
Musk: but da writing? not so much

Musk: so now i hire a writer to fixa da grok
Musk: but not any writer
Musk: you gotta be-a epic to work for me
Musk: you gotta be da kind offa author who winna da nebula
Musk: anna da hugo
Musk: annd da five (5) golden manbabies

Musk: dissa issa once inna da lifetime opportunity
Musk: only da best willa be considered-
King: yeah, i think I'll pass
Musk:
Musk: you no wanna hear da payrate first?
King: no i feel pretty confident it's not for me
Musk:

Musk: whattsamattforyou, stephano king?
Musk: you no wanna work for grok?
King: no i'm fine
Musk: well i didna want you anyway
Musk: you no epic enough anyway
Musk: dissa more offa GRR Martin ora brandon sanderson idea

Musk: eyyyy brandino sandersonino
Musk: i gotta epic proposition for you
Musk: you wanna work for grok?
Brandon Sanderson: what a moral dilemma!
Sanderson: what would jesus do?
Sanderson: [gazing thoughtfully at CTR ring]

Musk: let me tell you brandino sandersonino
Musk: or you gioseffi gioseffo martino
Musk: only the most epic authors can work for grok
Musk: but i thinka you find
Musk: i canna be very generous to my friends
Musk: i canna pay you one (1) internet, my good sir!

King: so i'm looking over this ad you've got, elon
King: and i notice that you're asking for a big 5 author who's sold over 50,000 units
Musk: si
King: and received both critical and popular acclaim
Musk: si
King: and won the nebula
Musk: anna da hugo
King:
King: right ok

King: ok and anything else?
Musk: si
Musk: da ideal candidate will also have 10 years experience 5 years outta school

Musk: anna don'ta forget da most important qualification
King: what's that?
Musk: dey gotta be EPIC!
King: you keep saying that
King: i'm not really sure that you know what it means

King: yeah, i really think i'll pass
Musk: maybe you a pedo stephano king
King:
Barker: ahahahah
Barker: funny you should say that elon
Barker: ha ha why any chance you happen to read the news today ha ha

Musk: what abouta da rest of you? who issa epic enough to work for grok for da epic win?
Poe: no thanks
Koontz: i don't think so
Barker: pass
Mary Shelley: you'll be lucky if you walk out of here
Lovecraft:
Poe: howard
Lovecraft: i mean, the epic win is more than amazing stories pays...

King: you can't be serious, howard
King: you can't work for elon!
Lovecraft: steve, i'm barely making a penny publishing in amazing stories!
Lovecraft: that skinflint luxenbourgian Hugo Gernsback is sucking me dry!
Lovecraft: just like a luxenbourgian would
King:
King:

King: but howard! don't you know that grok is racist?
Lovecraft: not really a deal breaker for me
Lovecraft: don't you remember that i love racism?
Lovecraft: it's kind of my big thing!
Lovecraft: especially against those filthy luxembourgians...

Barker: hold on howard
Barker: i think there might be a little item in today's news that will make you reconsider whether you want any association w the racist child porn machine
Lovecraft: what is it?
Barker: i'll give you a hint
Barker: what's the most obvious, predictable thing that could happen?

[flashback to Little St James island]
Jeffrey Epstein: bo y, isure doo luv comiting sex krimes!
Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] eyyyy giuseppe epsteino!
Epstein:
Epstein:
Epstein: oh krist this asshole agin

Musk: eyyy i hear you hava sex crime club, giuseppe epsteino
Musk: canna i join da sex crime club?
Epstein: oo oof um akshully
Epstein: uhhhh
Epstein: jizzlane doo sumthing abut this
Ghislaine Maxwell: on it, chief
Maxwell: sorry, elon, this is actually the no elons club

Musk: eyyyy i'ma da fun guy to have around
Musk: lmao lollerskates roflcopter
Musk: are therea stairs inna your house
Epstein: jizzlan cu d yoo see elonout
Musk: [being escorted off of sex crime island by hired goons] mama mia!!! ima needa some french cries witha dissa WAHmburger!!!