Midnight Pals: By Volume

[scottish castle]
JK Rowling's agent: hey joanne
agent: you wanted to see me?
JK Rowling: yesss
Rowling: i want to enquire
Rowling: how are sssales of the hallmarked man?
agent:
agent: sales of what?
Rowling: the latesst cormoron ssstrike book
agent:
agent: you're still writing cormoron strike?

Rowling: of courssse i'm sstill writing cormoran ssstrike booksss!
Rowling: it'ss my main thing!
agent: i thought you pivoted entirely to posting?
Rowling: no i'm sstill writing cormoran ssstrike!!
Rowling: you should know thisss!
Rowling: you're my agent!!!

agent: listen, joanne, i've got bad news about the hallmarked man
agent: it didn't crack any major bestseller lists
Rowling: that doessn't make ssensse
Rowling: don't they know it wass written by me, JK Rowling?

Rowling: sseriously, it'ss a book by JK Rowling
Rowling: isssn't there ssome ssort of law that people have to buy it?
Rowling: if not, there should be
Rowling: i'm going to get right on that
Rowling: i mean, how much could that possssibly cosst?

Rowling: oh wait wait i think i know the problem
Rowling: maybe people don't know that robert galbraith is actually jusst my pen name
Rowling: i mean, i have been so coy about that
agent: no i uh
agent:
agent: yeah actually sure that could be it

Rowling: sseriousssly, i don't underssstand
Rowling: don't people want more thrilling sexy adventuresss with britain'sss number one playboy detective cormoran sstrike?
Rowling: don't they hunger for more ssceness of rich people endlessssly talking at fancy restaurantsss?

Rowling: thiss isss the book where cormoran sstrike finally confesssess hiss feelings for robin ellacot!
Rowling: we've been doing thiss will they/won't they dance for eight bookss!
Rowling: people are really invessted in thiss!!
agent:
Rowling: THEY'RE REALLY INVESSTED IN THISS!!

agent: it's not that people aren't invested, joanne
agent: it's just that agent: ever since you were replaced as the UK's top selling author--
Rowling: ONLY BY VOLUME!
agent: uh yes
agent: since you were replaced as the UK's top selling author by volume by-
Rowling: DON'T SSAY THE NAME

Rowling: DON'T SSAY THE NAME! I FORBID ANYONE TO SSPEAK THAT NAME IN MY SSCOTTISH CASSSTLE!!!
[phone rings]
Rowling:
agent:
Rowling:
agent:
Rowling:
agent: um aren't you going to answer that?
Rowling: NO
Rowling: I KNOW WHO THAT IS

Rowling: [answers phone] hello?
Julia Donaldson: hi is there a Ms. NottheUK'sbestsellingauthorbyvolume there
Donaldson: first name Ima
Rowling: hold on, i'll check

Rowling: ima! ima nottheuk'sbestsellingauthorbyvolume!
Rowling:
Rowling: wait a ssecond
Donaldson: [blowing airhorn] GET GRUFFALOED BITCHHHH
Rowling: GODDAMNIT!!!
Rowling: if i ever find out who thiss iss, i'm going to buy sso many ssupreme court decisionss againsst you!!!