Midnight Pals: Blue Wave

Stephen King: hey guys guess what?
King: the blue wave is back!🌊🌊🌊
King: it's curtains for DRUMP!
King: end of the line for mango mussolini!
King: no more orange julius caesar!
King: i haven't been so excited since we finally defeated bu$hitler back in '09!

HP Lovecraft: now i don't usually pay a lot of attention to New york city
Lovecraft: that seething, teeming metropolis
Lovecraft: which i have been told is filthy with asiatics and saracens
Lovecraft: but i'm just glad that new yorkers rejected the italian menace

Lovecraft: i shudder to think what new york would look like in the greasy grasp of a scheming italian
Lovecraft: ugh, there would be a pizza place on every block!
King:
Poe:
Koontz:
Barker:

Lovecraft: by the way, who won?
Lovecraft: some nice clean-cut anglo saxon protestant, i presume?
Barker: oh howard ha ha
Barker: let me tell him
Poe: now clive
Barker: fuck you edgar, let me tell him!
Barker: give me this one!

Dan Simmons: i can't believe that you're laughing!
Simmons: we're about to obliterated by the woke revenge tour and you're laughing!
Simmons: they're going to close the concentration camps and convert them to gender camps, and you're laughing!!

King (he/him): calm down, dan, you're overreacting
Simmons: what the hell is that??? are those... pronouns?!?
King (he/him): what? oh yeah, i got them from the government
King (he/him): what do you think? you like em?
Simmons: so it begins...

Simmons: we're now in the grip of dark woke
Simmons: no cis het white man is safe
Lovecraft: oh no!
Simmons: they're going to force us all to stop thanking the troops!
Lovecraft: oh no!
Poe: dan stop putting these ideas in howard's head
Poe: you're getting him all riled up

Simmons: it's worse than that
Simmons: they're going to force us all to worship a big statue of greta thunberg!
Barker: now dan you're just being paranoid
Barker: you know that the guiding light of islam doesn't permit graven images
Simmons:
Simmons: what
Barker: oh you didn't hear? we're muslim now

Simmons: [sweating] what?!
Barker: oh yeah, new government mandate
[siren calls]
Barker: oh whoops there's the government mandated call to prayer
Barker: everybody face mecca
Frank Herbert: way ahead of you

Simmons: [waking up] no! no! no!
Simmons: oh thank the real christian god, it was all a dream!
Simmons: but it really makes you think
Simmons: what if dark woke was real?
Simmons: wait where am i
Simmons: why am i chained up in this dank, david fincher-esque warehouse?

Benjanun Sriduangkaew [speaking through jugsaw puppet] hello dan simmons
Simmons: what the
Sriduangkaew: let's play a game

Benjanun Sriduangkaew [through jigsaw puppet]: in ten minutes, this room will start to fill with poison gas
Sriduangkaew: UNLESS
Sriduangkaew: you can do a genuinely respectful land acknowledgement

Simmons: OKAY, first of all, you have to understand that actually those savages were no angels-
[room immediately starts filling with gas]