Midnight Pals: Haar

David Sodergren: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the haar
Koontz: what's haar?
Sodergren: it's like fog
Sodergren: but more Scottish
Sodergren: and you know what they say
Sodergren: IF IT'S NOT SCOTTISH, IT'S CRAP!

John Carpenter: so this is story about the fog?
Sodergren: yes
Carpenter: well, i told a story about the fog once and you all hated it!
Barker: well, maybe now we like it
Carpenter:
Carpenter: goddamnit

Sodergren: some asshole american want to buy up the goondocks to build a boring old golf course for rich people
Sodergren: but its going to take more than putting on a show to save the rec center this time
Sodergren: but when a feisty old grandma teams up with an amorphous blob of goo
Sodergren: they just might have what to takes
Sodergren: Mr American asshole, you're going down
Sodergren: Scotland style

Sodergren: this grandma is out walking on the beach
Sodergren: when she discovers this sexy blob monster
Sodergren: i mean it's not sexy at first
Sodergren: but then it starts to look like her dead husband
Sodergren: and then…!

Sodergren: these awful americans will try anything to get the deed to her farm
Sodergren: they'll try to smoke her out, burn her out
Sodergren: even shoot her!
King: hey you know, as an American, i'm feeling kind of attacked!
King: you know, we're not all bad!
Mary Shelley: shut up steve
King: but we're not!
Shelley: no one wants to fucking hear it steve

Sodergren: you know the worst thing about americans tho?
Barker: is it their independent, can-do attitude?
Sodergren: no!
Sodergren: it's their teeth!
Sodergren: so straight and white
Sodergren: it's almost like they used unnatural, man-made processes to fix the flaws in the teeth that God gave them
Sodergren: it's an abomination

Sodergren: so this feisty grandma is chasing American agents off her property
Sodergren: and she's all "OCH YE WEE GOBSHITES GIT OFFA ME LAND!!!
Sodergren: "OCH SEE YE JIMMY!!!"
Sodergren: "AH DOONA WEAR THE TROOSERS!!!!"

Sodergren: in the end, they defeat the americans
Carpenter: there wasn't even any fog in that story!
Sodergren: sure there was
Sodergren: you know
Sodergren: in the beginning a bit