Midnight Pals: Gollum

JRR Tolkien: exciting news everyone! there's a new lord of the rings movie!
Tolkien: finally, it's going to answer that big question on everyone's minds
Tolkien: what was gollum doing?
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Tolkien: everyone's always asking me, what was gollum doing?

Tolkien: people want to know, what was gollum doing while all that exciting fellowship stuff was happening?
Poe: wasn't he
Poe: you know
Poe: looking for the ring?
Tolkien: well yes
Tolkien: but what if there's more to that

Tolkien: what if there's more to it than that?
Tolkien: what if gollum did more than just look for the ring?
Tolkien: what if he also
Tolkien: hung out in a cave?
Poe:
King:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Tolkien: look, people want to know

Tolkien: just imagine
Tolkien: perhaps gollum undertook a series of wacky adventures
Tolkien: traveling from town to town, helping people
Tolkien: setting right what once went wrong
Tolkien: and people could be all "who was that awful freak?"
Tolkien: "i don't know but he sure cleaned up this town"

Tolkien: what if
Tolkien: instead of being a tragic villain, we kludged it so that he was actually a lovable anti-hero of his own story
Poe: is there a reason to do that
Tolkien: people love gollum
Tolkien: they just really fucking love that little shit

Tolkien: think of it! gollum in a series of exciting, sexy adventures!
Tolkien: each more sexy than the last!
Tolkien: kicking ass and taking names!
Tolkien: slaying orcs and bedding sexy ladies with big hairy feet!

Tolkien: cuz people are always asking, what was gollum up to
Brian Jacques: [squeaking] was he going to feasts
Tolkien: no, see, he was forgetting the taste of bread, actually
Jacques:
Jacques: [squeaking] oh
Jacques: [squeaking] i wanted to see some feasts

Jacques: [squeaking] i use a single kids lunchable as a feast
Tolkien: thats great brian
Jacques: [squeaking] i use a fun size snicker bar as a regular size snicker bar
Tolkien:
Jacques: [squeaking] sorry that one was kind of weak

Tolkien: now we'll know everything about gollum's adventures!
Tolkien: all questions will be answered!
Barker: hey jirt i got a question for you
Barker: why don't you tell us what the blue wizards were doing
Tolkien: NO FUCK YOU NEVER

Barker: hey jirt do you really care what gollum was doing
Tolkien: people want to know!
Barker: yeah but
Barker: do YOU care
Tolkien:
Tolkien: no
Tolkien: [crying] i can't pretend anymore
Tolkien: i just want to talk about tom bombadil