Midnight Pals: Crossed

Garth Ennis: now i've got a real SHOCKING story for ya
Ennis: but this ain't your dad's horror story
Ennis: don't try to hold me back! i'm a mad man!
Ennis: i don't care whose toes I step on!
Ennis: razor sharp, that's what my satirical wit is!

Barker: alright man
Barker: you're doing a lot of talking
Barker: let's hear what's so shocking
Ennis: careful kid
Ennis: i'll all edge, baby, better step back or you'll be cut!

Ennis: alright man you asked for it
Ennis: but don't blame me if it turns out you can't handle it
Ennis: poopoo peepee caca doody

Ennis: this is the story of the crossed
Ennis: what if there was a disease that made you go C R A Z Y
George Romero: like the crazies?
Ennis: what
Ennis: no
Ennis: no this is different
Ennis: there's a cross see

Ennis: see, this disease makes a cross-shaped open sore appear on your face when you turn evil
Romero: why?
Ennis: because i'm satirical toward religion, that's why!!

Ennis: this disease makes you evil
Ennis: so you just murder and rape and eat cum all day
Poe:
King:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Barker:
King: ok i'll ask
King: why would it make you-
Poe: no steve it's a trap

Ennis: luckily, you'll know when someone gets infected by the evil disease because they'll start swearing
Ennis: they'll be all "fuck shit piss cocksucker motherfucker shit fuckin fuck fuck cock shit fuck fuck shit fuck whore shit"
Ennis: "shit fuck shit"

Ennis: alright motherfuckers, just imagine the worst, sickest, most demonic acts of human depravity
King: [chuckles] imagine? pal, have you seen the world today
Ennis:
King: i mean ha ha am i right?
Ennis:
Ennis: i wish people would stop saying that

Ennis: i'm just trying to tell a nice story about a depraved rape murder apocalypse and people have to keep ruining it
Ennis: "oh ha ha that's nothing compared to reality"
King: sorry i was just trying to make a joke
Ennis: well, it's not funny!
Ennis: it's really fucking demoralizing steve!
King: jeez i'm sorry

King: i really didn't mean anything by it
Ennis: well you ruined it steve
Ennis: you ruined my whole vibe!
Ennis: i hope you're happy
King: i
King: i was just trying to make a joke
King: clive does it all the time
Barker: yeah but i'm good at it

King: i'm sorry, i really didn't mean to ruin the vibe
Ennis: whatever, i guess my story just doesn't hold a candle to all your stupid so-called real world horrors

Ennis: maybe i should just give up telling stories all together
Ennis: i guess i just suck and am stupid
Ennis: nobody likes me, everybody hates me
Barker: wow steve good job
King: come on, it was a joke!

Ennis: whatever, nothing matters
Ennis: who cares
Dean Koontz: hey
Koontz: hey listen to this
Koontz: fart
Koontz: ha ha
Koontz: poop
Koontz: ha ha ha
Ennis: stop trying to cheer me up