Midnight Pals: Lumberjack

Anthony Engebretson: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the lumberjack
Stephen King: the lumberjack, eh?
King: does he sleep all night and work all day?
King: hahaha!
King: eh? eh? get it guys?
Barker: we're not doing this steve

King: ohhh
King: i'm a lumberjack and i'm ok
King: i sleep all night and i work all day
King: come on guys sing along!
King: you know the words!
Joe Hill: what are you doing dad
King: c'mon all you kids know the lumberjack song!
Hill: i've never heard of this song

King: well joe i bet you never knew your dad was so "cool"
Hill:
King: "we are the knights who say neep!"
King: hahaha
King: classic!
Hill: i don't know what any of this is
Lovecraft: "the knights who say NEE!" get it right!!! >:C

King: so he's a lumberjack and he's okay, hm?
Engebretson: he's actually not okay
Engebretson: he may be the least okay lumberjack ever
Engebretson: he's actually really bad at it
Engebretson: he just can't jack it
Engebretson: more of a lumberjackn't

Engebretson: this guy, he just desperately wants to be a lumberjack and prove he's a real man's man
Engebretson: and he's got an ax! he loves his ax!
Engebretson: he's always chop chop choppin' with that ax!
Engebretson: he loves that goddamn ax!!

Engebretson: so this lumberjack gets hired by J. sterling morton to rid his house of a gnome
Koontz: wow! j. sterling morton the salt tycoon? grover cleveland's secretary of agriculture? the founder of arbor day? that j. sterling morton??
Engebretson:

Engebretson: yes, the very same
Engebretson: but
Engebretson: how did YOU know that?
King: yeah i'm wondering that too honestly
Poe: this is most surprising
Barker: did morton own a dog or something...
Koontz: i'm not just a dog lover guys!
Koontz: i have other interests!

Engebretson: so morton hires this lumberjack to rid his weird house of this creepy demon gnome
Engebretson: how ironic that the founder of arbor day would hire a guy who loves chopping trees
Engebretson: you might even call it
Engebretson: DRAMATIC irony

Engebretson: so this lumberjack gets to work exterminating the demon
Engebretson: but he gets distracted by chopping kids & attacking random trees he gets mad at
Engebretson: turns out he's as bad at exterminating demons as he as lumberjacking
Engebretson: what a loser!