Midnight Pals: Child Actors

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: did you hear? daniel radcliffe and emma watson sssupport transs rightsss?
Rowling: i will NEVER forgive thisss betrayal
Rowling: from hellssss heart i ssstab at thee!!!

Rowling: don't they undersstand that I own them? body and ssoul?
Rowling: they are ssstill in my thrall! i never gave them clothessss!
Rowling: i'm pretty sssure that child actorsss work the sssame way as houssse elvess

Rowling: i mean, if they apologized i would not accept it
Rowling: in fact, let me show you how it would play out
Rowling: pretend that daniel radcliffe isss sssitting in this empty chair and i'll show you what i'd sssay to him

Rowling: sso daniel, emma we meet again
Rowling: you might think you are allowed to have independent thoughtsss but you forget
Rowling: your contract sspecifiess that i own you BOTH, body & ssoul, FOREVER
Radcliffe: i don't think it says that
Watson: yeah that doesn't sound right

Rowling: oh you don't do you?? well then just take a look at
Rowling: uhhh
Rowling: [rifling through papers]
Rowling: i know that claussse is in here sssomewhere

Rowling: what the hell??? thisss contract says NOTHING about perpetual ownership of harry potter actorss!
Rowling: how isss thisss possssible???
Rowling: get my lawyer on the phone, they are ssso fired

Rowling: ugh this contract is worthless!! i don't even get perpetual ownership of miriam margolyes!
Rowling: you've won thisss round, children
Rowling: BUT
Rowling: i will fight you on the internet
Rowling: it will be a cold day in hell before JK Rowling logsss off

Daniel Radcliffe: trans rights are human rights
JK Rowling: ssoundss like ssomething a male predator would sssay
Emma Watson: trans rights are human rights
Rowling: sounds like ssomething that a confused female would ssay

Rowling: foolish child, we've just commissioned a sstudy that says child actorss brainss don't mature until 21 sso you're not allowed to have opinionss
Radcliffe: i'm 34
Rowling: [hastily amending study] did i say 21, i meant 34

Rowling: i'm very concerned about the prosspect of irreverssible damage if former child actorss are allowed to have opinionss, so i'm lobbying the government with my billionss of dollarss to make that illegal
Rowling: for their own good, of courssse

Rowling: i mean, emma & daniel might SSAY that they're autonamouss beingss capable of forming their own opinions
Rowling: but why should we believe them?
Rowling: also i heard there was a former child actor who committed a crime once
Rowling: think about it