My muse
Added 2025-07-17 16:00:08 +0000 UTCLately, my thoughts keep returning to one quiet, persistent theme. I don’t even know what to call it. Maybe “the longing for a mother,” or “protection in adulthood.”
A mother plays a huge role in our lives—if only because she’s the one who brings us into the world. And for the first years, we depend entirely on her. Later, someone else might take on that role—a father, a grandmother, an aunt, an older sister, or even someone unrelated. But there’s always a figure behind us. Someone who teaches, protects, and holds us. We grow up. We become the adults. And we tell ourselves we don’t need that kind of figure anymore. But often, they’re still there—somewhere in the background. The one we share our wins and heartbreaks with. Until one day, they’re gone.
We all die eventually. That’s the deal. And most likely, our parents will leave before us. Some lose them as children. Some in their forties or sixties. Either way—there’s grief. There’s absence. There’s silence. But I keep wondering about those who are nearing the end of their own lives. Those who are already the last of their generation. No mother. No father. No aunts or uncles left. Just children and grandchildren ahead.
Do we still long for protection, even then? Do we still wish for someone to stand quietly behind us? Even if we’ve built an inner adult, even if we’ve become strong and self-reliant— there’s something different about having someone else. Someone on the outside. A "mother". And maybe, just maybe— as we grow older, that early longing returns. The same need we had as children: to rest for a moment knowing someone bigger, safer, more solid is watching over us.
Maybe that is why people start bealiving in God?
Comments
Toni, thank you — for your depth, your honesty, and the way you say out loud what most people keep inside. Your thoughts have always mattered to me, but it means even more that you chose to share them here, publicly. That takes courage — and heart. When I read your words, the loneliness around these themes softens. As if you give them shape and voice. And if I could, I’d show up right now at Pepe’s square — me with a plate of fideos, you with your iced coffee and a cigar. Just to listen you and your thoughts. Hug you
Julia
2025-07-22 19:48:23 +0000 UTCDear Julia! Congratulations! Thank you for the beautiful photos and for the depth and sensitivity of your text, as always, impressive! I don't think this is the appropriate place to explain everything your writing suggests to me. I'll limit myself, then, to answering one of the questions you ask: What happens to those who are the last of their generation and who are nearing the end? Well, I am one of them, and, of course, my answer is very personal, and I don't pretend it is shared or valid for my contemporaries. I have no grandparents, no father or mother, no aunts or uncles, even many other relatives have passed away (a younger sister, many male and female cousins, many friends, etc.), and, in my case, there is no wife, children, or grandchildren. It might seem like a profound loneliness, but it isn't. I know my end is near, and this teaches you to live very differently than before. Every wrinkle reveals something, and in some cases, even wisdom. I can tell you that all those who have passed away live on in my feelings and thoughts more intensely than when they were physically present: perhaps because back then we took many things for granted and known, so their presence was often somewhat wasted. Now they are immortal, living inside me, in my fading memory and my increasingly cloudy recollections. And personally, I don't feel I need protection or external support. I miss almost nothing because all those I had and have live inside me without the need for a physical presence. To make a comparison, I am an elephant who, knowing its end is near, begins to walk slowly toward the elephant graveyard. Without reproach, with a serene smile. As for God, I can only tell you that I have significant conflicts with him, so I can't comment on the matter. I send you a big hug, my best wishes, and my best regards to your people. Always yours, Toni.
Antoni
2025-07-17 21:11:18 +0000 UTCWow that’s truthfully and beautifully said ❤️🔥 I have also gone through times like that and maybe still do more often than I realize but I do know that the more work we do on our inner selves and fall in love with ourselves, the more we find those connections in others that we meet according to how we elevate our spiritual energy ! And yes through ourselves we find our Creator and our experiences just grow into how he intended us to be 💥 The most beautiful part of His creation, that’s amazing to ponder on WOW🔥
Matthew Martin
2025-07-17 19:08:45 +0000 UTC
