Louis: what it's like to be chronically critically depressed
Added 2023-05-18 21:19:22 +0000 UTCMASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING ON THIS VIDEO.
Speaking as myself and my personal experience with the absolute rock bottom of the depression spectrum (which by the way I am NOT CURRENTLY AT, it's been 16 months). FYI, I am okay and this video is just a sharing of experience and not an indication that I'm about to go mental.
I am unsure if I want to share this outside of Patreons however. I hope it makes at least someone feel less alone though.
<3
Comments
Thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate to so much of what you explain ... especially the part of being in love, having really good elements in your life and still having thoughts about ending it. I agree, this has to be expressed more. People I talk to often don't understand ... try to reason ("But you have it so good") ... but the feelings are there, the thoughts are there. Thanks for making me feel less alone. Lets keep on surviving. Offering virtual hugs (to everyone who needs them here). Julia.
Julia Mono
2023-12-02 14:14:21 +0000 UTCThank you. ❤️
John Butler
2023-09-22 15:30:54 +0000 UTCI hope you get the help x
Stefan (StefanTests)
2023-05-22 23:23:07 +0000 UTCThis is such a powerful video, I think this video could help other people realise its not just them feeling like this but fully understand the hesitation on making it public as its so deeply personal, thank you for sharing. I relate to some of what you have said I was also abused as I child luckily for me I got out at 18 and the darkness nearly went away but 5 years ago my wife had a miscarriage and the darkness came back not as bad but still not feeling well unfortunately life can be rearly shitty but this community helps
Simon Upton-Millard
2023-05-19 23:05:43 +0000 UTCWell i get the only being truly happy one only one or very few occasions. I got psychologically abused basically from day one by my father, he decided pretty much i was a worthless retard from the moment i was born. All my life i have been looking inside myself for "something" because i felt there was something to find. Towards the end of last year at 48yrs old i found it. It is not what i expected. It seems my depression that i get randomly is not actually me being depressed but one of my other personalities, well personalities does not feel like quite the right word but whoever they are they are not me. Part of my not being around as much as i used to be is because i am trying to deal with this stuff. The more i learn the more the past makes sense. I also have missing memories, i know there is something i don't know and that it is not at all nice but i really don't know what. Currently on an 18 month waiting list to actually see someone about it though i am in contact with others with the same issue and have spoken to a therapist who specialises it this stuff. Finding it hard because there are few people you can talk about this stuff with. Sorry for lack of spaces in this, can't see how to space paragraphs :-P But yeah, while we're sharing things i do kind of feel like joining in.
Dom Clarke (ToastedFallenStar)
2023-05-19 20:48:11 +0000 UTCThank you for sharing. You make strangers happy, which is an amazing thing in a world of shit.
WhatHoSnorkers
2023-05-19 13:35:34 +0000 UTCYou are very much wanted. I might only be able to say that on my part from the other side of a screen, but whenever I end up chatting with some of the people in your creative circle all I hear is that they love having you around, and can't wait for the next opportunity to do stuff. A lot of this sounds familiar. I feel like a lot of that stigma around depression when we were younger was that if the adults around us stopped pretending it was just us being needy or attention-seeking, they would have to examine their own actions, to admit they were not being good people and the things they did were causing lasting harm. I think that drives some of the guilt, because you spend so much of your early life being told, "people have it much worse off than you and still come out smiling", as if depression can be beaten by mere comparitive invalidation. I went through a phase around 18-21 doing everything that was *supposed* to make people happy, and I would somehow end up being Not Good At It thanks to other neurodivergencies which just made me sadder and angrier. I remember at one point coming into consciousness at a rock night in a club staring blankly at a window, and realising that's what I'd been doing for the last hour, just existing in a sort of null state, and my only thought about it was, "maybe if I go back to it I can get through the next hour". It is possible to win the battle. I've gone about 11 years now without it ever coming in to the point where I allow one stimulus to wreck another, completely unrelated part of my life. It's there, it will always be *there* because I can't un-fuck 15 years of the world around me doing its level best to fuck me up, but even if I have days when my head's an absolute stew trying to sort bad experiences into a place without them spreading over everything it still works, the good things still get through and register as good things even when it's a hot mess inside that brain. I never thought I'd beat it either, I used to take the shitty car I had when I was 20 and drive out to the middle of nowhere at 2am and sit on a tree stump staring into space, as if I could will away the next 50 years two hours of nothingness at a time. I feel you on the "holding a hand" bit, too. I hate it when I talk about this stuff and get any sort of sympathy or advice or problem-solving, even now let alone when it was still dominating my life. I think it stems from those attempts to invalidate depression; all I ever wanted was for someone to do *nothing*, to silently acknowledge that these were genuine feelings to have, because it was such a low bar and yet nobody seemed to be able to achieve it without a "stop being so soft" or a "maybe you just need a good night out". I think videos like yours help a lot, if I think of myself in my teens or early twenties hearing something genuine like this would have straight-up *validated* my feelings so much. I hope talking about things in that way helps. You, anyone else reading this comment who's found themselves in a similar place, maybe even failing that it will align the bits on the disk Patreon stores it on in an aesthetically pleasing manner. Bloody hell that was long for what was supposed to be, "I watched this, I hear it, you are wanted and valued".
Matt Kimber (Timberwolf)
2023-05-19 13:31:33 +0000 UTCLouis. Thank you for sharing. I understand the feeling. It’s a very dark and empty place. Your feelings are valid. Here to listen, hold your hand, and if we’re ever in the same place a shoulder to cry on if you need it.
Addison Chernow
2023-05-19 13:10:57 +0000 UTCHi, you're great. Keep being great. Thanks. Bye!
Dudley of Yesterzine
2023-05-19 12:33:59 +0000 UTCThank you for sharing, You are loved and you're important. We are all glad you're here with us today and i'm so proud of you. You will always have us. x <3
Jordan Valentine
2023-05-19 09:29:14 +0000 UTCYou are loved, you are wanted. Please keep fighting Louis, the world would be a much sadder place without you. Don't let this illness beat you. xx
Andrew Siddall
2023-05-19 03:10:45 +0000 UTCThis was a very difficult video to watch. (can relate to certain aspects of depression) all I'll say is to keep at it with the therapy and other services. It CAN get better with the right support. You're a really nice, talented, funny person who deserves to enjoy the goodness in life. Please please look after yourself, Octy. Your viewers think the world of you x
DoctorKeef
2023-05-19 00:02:09 +0000 UTCThank you for sharing this, Louis. You are important and loved, and I have so much respect for you for being open in discussing this… We will see a better world when we can all talk freely about the way our brainfaces work against us. You are part of that change for so many people, and I hope that gives you comfort in the not so good times. Those times will pass, I promise you. Regardless, I'm always happy to listen to you *holds out hand*
Adam Johnson
2023-05-18 23:03:47 +0000 UTC
