Life Update,

life update, I am very sorry for being quiet-

to cut to the chase i was resting a shoulder injury that i have had for most of this year, that is very aggravated by painting and poor posture. to get through paintings as far back as cowboy collie and some, when the pain got really bad I would throw pain patches on and push through it, which obviously isnt a good idea. anytime i mentioned 'really bad pain days' on here, i was talking about my shoulder/middle back.

I believe the worst pain is specifically my rhomboids, and issues with my traps. I have a winging scapula issue and anterior pelvic tilt. I use my shoulders and back to do everything because admittedly I am very weak. It feels embarrassing to admit that I dont take care of myself but I am being honest. Anyway, I am still learning about my body lately and what specifically is wrong. It took many days of research but these terms are what I found and what is wrong with me. My posture has been very poor, for many many many years lol.

I have not been physically active since middle school 😅. I grew up on the computer pretty much my entire teens and young adulthood and in a very... unhealthy environment which I wont delve too deep into as I know we all have our own issues growing up typically and I dont want to trauma dump on yall. But this has led to a very anxiously/fear formed body habits. Alas, I am in my late 20s, so this long of bad habits has caught up to me very poorly.

To be honest, I ignored it for the longest time because I thought that it was too late and that I was unfixable and would be in pain everyday for the rest of my life, so I just learned to live with neck, back, and shoulder pain every single day. I have a very high pain tolerance (in fact in weird ways I like it... consensually 😉) and pain does not make me cry typically. But it had gotten absolutely terrible. The pain got bad enough that I remember crying during a session when painting The Royal Lounge, and now crying during two painting sessions doing this past cuddling wolves piece im working on, and taking so long on the Bashful wolf because I didnt feel like pushing through the pain sometimes and just would lay down when it got really bad. I am sorry for not saying something, for pushing through the pain. I hate to appear lazy when I love art and care about it so much, and care about trying to make things right and stay caught up and doing my promises. I'm sorry for not taking care of myself.

The good news is I gave up the defeatist attitude FINALLY. The pain got bad enough that I cant take it anymore lol. I have been working on myself (physically and mentally), very hard, and also have been getting some pain free painting here (previous post!) and there as I learn proper posture and the way to actually, properly, move my body. Most of my time has been devoted to building muscle (I actually feel very weak and feel like I have about none at all). It has been I think a little over two weeks and I am starting to do a bit better. I am not completely pain free, but now for once sometimes I am pain free, as long as I focus.

For years now I have very extremely poor posture when standing, sitting, and walking. I am very tense 24/7 whether I am even anxious/depressed, happy, whatever or not and I also dont breathe right. I always breathe very shallow using just my chest/shoulders to do the motions, and barely using my lung capacity. I am tense even when going to sleep laying in bed doing nothing. I only really realized this after breathing exercises which made my brain feel actually oxygenated, and after these and working out I kind of breathe a lot more slow and deeper, and the brain fog actually goes away and I can focus a lot better??
All of this, my breathing, my posture, and especially being tense is something I have to consciously think about fixing currently 24/7, taking up my every thought to maintain proper posture and breathing. It can be a lot sometimes, because I have to think about putting my weight back on my feet correctly, not standing with my hamstrings and hip flexors tensed, not tensing up and craning my neck, keeping my diaphragm engaged, not hunching over, keeping my shoulders back (and especially relaxed!), not being tense, its a lot. It is frustrating especially because when I do stop thinking about it I get back in pain, and it feels like a whole checklist of things to go through. If I do get frustrated about it, (which happens when I start hurting again), I get tense which keeps me in pain, so on top of everything I have been practicing staying calm. I also have to stop getting frustrated when painting and I make a mistake because it makes me tense up.

It's hard to describe, but to walk and stand always in the past I have been using just tendons, locking knees and elbows to accomplish anything, and tensing my shoulders and especially my neck to be upright and breathe, and I had a huge lack of using my diaphragm. I am convinced I have the tightest hip flexors and hamstrings in the world, lol. I stretch them twice a day now.

Like I said, the good news is its getting a lot better, and I have at least been able to get some painting in. I have worked diligently on my body everyday for 2+weeks now, I work out every single day and am getting myself back in shape, both physically but also mentally. I cant say I regret devoting so much time to art over the past two and a half years and getting obsessed with it and getting better at it, but I've really let myself kind of rot in the process as I became just obsessed with work. I am going to be sure to devote at least an hour to an hour and a half everyday working out and stretching so that this will not be an issue in the future, which I am starting to enjoy and not always want to put off as it makes me feel a lot better for the first time in a long time. Its finally a habit, now an enjoyable one, so I see progress happening. I just cant wait to not have to consciously think about my posture, even while writing this I feel like I had to adjust 100 times instead of putting my feet up in my chair and sitting like L does if you know what I mean ( if not just google L sitting death note) lol.. thats how I sit at computers half the time 😭😭, and I wfh so it had gotten sooooo bad.

Since I do not oil paint sitting (you get much better brushstrokes and range of motion standing and painting from the shoulder), the problems started coming out ever since I started standing more, sitting down less doing digital art, and oil painting a ton starting last year. My posture issues used to be super easy to ignore because I could just sit down all day in terrible positions and just draw on a computer and what not, or even on the couch.

I am beginning to get into the process of catching up on here as I get better, and I apologize for taking so long to write this and speak up. I have been thinking on how to word this without maybe sounding like im making excuses? Idk, I am not sure why I was so scared to write this but I hate to make excuses. I honestly feel quite embarrassed opening up this much about my body and how I am not like. So good looking I guess structurally/out of shape wise or something idk!!! Love you guys ;-;