Lessons in Lesbianism - 7

Aftermath

The week before going home was something of a disaster for Olivia. Especially where Eliza was involved.

For the first few days after the fair, whenever she saw her, her mind filled with, at best, memories of what she’d thought about that night, just before they’d parted. At worst, it repeated the thoughts wholesale. Either way, Olivia found herself blushing furiously around her tall friend.

She’d never really had thoughts like that before. Be they with men or women. She’d figured, with the puberty blockers, she’d simply been a late bloomer, and Carl had accepted that. Well, eventually more or less accepted it. He was still a teenaged guy, after all.

Her boyfriend’s efforts to get her to try things were not the matter at hand right now, though. The fact that she was having fantasies swirl in her head about another woman, despite her best efforts, was.

Was it her testosterone levels? She’d been taking her spiro… surely her hormone balance shouldn’t have changed that much? Could humidity be making the pills less effective?

Or was her sexuality simply so confused by Eliza’s butch handsomeness and impressively muscular physique? If the tall and dashing woman were a man, then Olivia would have expected herself to fall absolutely head over heels… probably. Surely?

So, sure, she’d never gotten a lot of crushes either way, but… there were a few actors she thought were handsome? That was proof she liked guys. And Eliza was even more handsome than them. Because women were better looking than men. So… yeah. It was heterosexual of her to swoon for Eliza, right?

Right?

If only those thoughts popping into her head didn’t keep being so clear on who had what equipment.

Which pushed to the other part of the issue. Even if she accepted the idea she was attracted to women (which, obviously, she didn’t… her psychiatrist had mentioned her lack of masculine heterosexual tendencies as evidence of her transness, and she didn’t doubt her transness)… well, even if she accepted that, she still had a… well, the bits she’d been born with. If her boyfriend Carl, a guy with a—well, a one of his own, found hers off putting and generally encouraged her to hide it, then… well, obviously lesbians were known to be distinctly less fond of masculine reproductive organs. So she had little doubt Eliza would feel betrayed to have a friend fantasize about her with one involved.

As such, alongside the confusion, Olivia was hit with a good serving of guilt.

Dance class on Tuesday was the peak of it, the need for physical proximity with Eliza proving too much for her. In a panic, Olivia declared she was feeling unwell and sat in the corner, watching the others practice. Which, apparently, filled Jessica with utter glee. The redheaded woman was practically crawling on Eliza as they danced.

It seemed like an obnoxious violation of Eliza’s personal space to Olivia. Especially as Eliza did not look happy with the outcome. Though the glances she shot Olivia’s way only left the poor girl feeling even more guilty about her own confused feelings.

What right did she have to judge Jessica when her own subconscious was telling her to be just as violating towards Eliza? None, probably.

Besides, she couldn’t really intervene if she’d wanted to. Standing up right now did not strike her as a very good idea. Not with where bloodflow kept going back to… and the fact she was pretty sure Ms. Applewood would be upset if she noticed. Along with a number of her classmates.

She’d—well, the impression would be terrible, wouldn’t it? All those weeks of working to give a good face. All that effort to prove she was just one of the girls. Ruined by this annoyingness over making friends with Eliza and then getting confused by how handsome she was.

And so, Olivia stayed seated until the class ended. It was probably overkill, but she didn’t want to risk it… or, more specifically, risk being flustered by close physical contact with Eliza as they danced again. The other girls filtered out to the change room as she waited. Eliza left with them, for once. That gave Olivia a bit more confidence, even if it also felt like a slight abandonment.

Her emotions were confused, but she was glad to be able to be free of worry for the moment.

Only, then Eliza returned, barely a minute later, carrying a towel, which she offered to a confused Olivia.

“My cousin’s complained about… uh, what I assume is your issue right now,” she said. “Based on how you’ve been sitting.”

“I… thank you, though I…” Well, she nearly said she didn’t need it anymore, but… being so close to Eliza again, she figured it was maybe best not to push it.

The pair walked quietly, Olivia keeping the towel wrapped around her hips to serve as a sort of skirt. It wasn’t that much of a walk from the dance studios to the residences, but long enough to be an awkward time to be silent.

“Listen, I… uh… I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything on Saturday,” Eliza said.

Olivia blinked, turning to her. “You di—to make me uncomfortable?”

Maybe not the most coherent of replies, but it seemed Eliza picked up the gist of what she was trying to say.

“You’ve got a boyfriend and everything, and… I suppose in hindsight it probably seemed like I was trying to be romantic?” she explained. “Which I did—I wasn’t… I wasn’t trying to do anything to scare you off or mess up our friendship.”

Eliza’s eyes had filled with a soft and sad kindness that Olivia was sure could melt the iciest of hearts. Since hers was already rather melted, it seemed that her brain decided to join it in melty fun, to put that energy somewhere, and she found herself stammering to reply.

“That—you didn’t… it’s… well, part of why I—” she found herself trailing off, before stopping herself and shaking her head to get recentered. “The… I wasn’t put off by that. You’re a lesbian, you’re my friend, and I’m going to have to work out where the line exists between romance and friendship between girls. It wasn’t anything you did wrong.”

“Ah, good, good,” Eliza said, offering a gentle smile.

“Though,” Olivia said, taking a moment to figure out how to word her comment as non-incriminatingly as possible, “I did worry I’d managed to make you forget that I’m trans, and… um… still have… well.”

She glanced down, then blushed furiously when she realised Eliza’s eyes had followed her down. At least the taller woman had the manners to look away quickly, blushing herself.

“I… I do forget about that specifically most of the time, but… well… it’s not really an issue,” Eliza replied. “Winnipeg isn’t a wild frontier or anything. I grew up with the internet. I’ve seen plenty of things with women like you. They’re still women and still attractive.”

Surprised, Olivia found herself staring up Eliza, butterflies fluttering in her stomach. Did that… did that mean Eliza had meant for her to read Saturday as romantic, but was covering as she worried Olivia had been scared off by it?

Or was she just overthinking things?

It was probably better to take a friend at her word, wasn’t it? Especially a friend so totally out of her league, like Eliza was.

-

That new dilemma, Eliza’s motives, was what filled much of Olivia’s thoughts for the next couple days. Well, when she had time to think, and wasn’t rushing about making sure she had enough packed for her trip home. As well as making sure she had enough time to get to the airport.

When Friday did roll around, she ended up having to excuse herself from her last class early, so that she could make it to the ferry in time. Which then meant transferring at the ferry terminal to catch a bus to the Victoria Airport. Then going through security.

Which was followed by having to hurry up and wait the 45 minutes before her flight boarded. A forty five minute wait that transformed into a full hour, as flights were prone to do.

Then she was squeezed into the airplane, stuck beside an old man who smelled of mothballs. The best she could hope for was that she’d get used to the smell some time before the four hour flight ended. At least the plane was large enough for the seats to have in flight movies. She’d flown to Montreal from London one time, and had been left with nothing to stare at but the back of a head rest.

“Not used to flying?” the old man asked, popping a candy of some sort into his mouth.

“Not very, no,” she replied.

“Well, don’t take a nap. However bored you get. Bad idea going east. Even if it’s just three time zones,” the man said.

She nodded, not really sure what else to do.

“Student, are you?” he asked, leaning closer than she liked, and making his scent more noticeable.

“Um… yes?”

Great, she thought. He was chatty. She was starting to wonder how she might escape a full conversation when the flight safety video began to play. She used the distraction to pull out a pair of earbuds and plug them into the entertainment system-thingy. As soon as the video ended, she got to work hunting for a movie, hoping he’d take the hint.

-

And so, four hours passed and it was now seven hours later as she touched down at Mount Hope Airport, thanks to those three time zones they’d crossed. At least midnight wasn’t too far off from 9 pm, and she was sure she’d be asleep at an only mildly unreasonable hour after all the travelling.

Olivia found herself very glad she’d only brought a carry-on and that she wouldn’t have to wait for the luggage to be unloaded. Especially as the luggage carousel was out in the general portion of the airport, which meant she’d have to spend time standing awkwardly with her parents, building up dread about the car ride back to Stratford.

Stepping out of the secure portion of the airport, she was mildly surprised to only see her father waiting for her. Taking a moment to process it, though, she supposed it made sense. Bringing her baby sister, Portia, on an hour car ride would likely have been a mistake, and finding a babysitter to watch the house until 1am would likely have been difficult.

“Hello… Olivia,” her father said.

“Hello father,” she replied stiffly.

Her relationship with him had always been rocky, but it had gotten rather worse since she’d come out. He’d wanted a son to carry on the family business… which had been pretty thoroughly confirmed by the way her mother had ended up pregnant shortly after she’d come out. Only to have her father be disappointed to apparently get a cis girl this time.

Whether her father would be thrilled if Portia turned out to be a trans guy in the end or not, she couldn’t guess. Not that Olivia had any great reason to expect that, though. Beyond the vague possibility that transness was possibly genetically linked.

“We’ve got a long ride back,” her father said. “Is that everything you’ve got?”

She nodded. “I’m only here for two days.”

He led her off to the parking lot, taking her out to the SUV her father had purchased for unclear reasons. It wasn’t like they needed all that space or did any off-roading. Still, everyone seemed to be buying them these days, so she couldn’t judge her father too much for it.

And he did, on the rare occasion, transport props for the theatre troupe. So maybe it wasn’t totally illogical.

“How are your classes going?” he asked as she sat down in the passenger seat.

“Well enough. Dance is my weakest class, but I have a decent handle on the others.”

“Mhm,” he grunted as he pulled out of their parking space. “Are the girls accepting you?”

“Mostly, yes,” she replied. Truthfully, she hoped.

“Huh… would have thought a good chunk of those ‘women only’ types wouldn’t want you around,” he muttered.

“I’m a woman too,” she replied flatly, even if such an adult term still felt a bit awkward to her.

She’d barely gotten to use the word ‘girl’.

Her father made a face, before muttering a reply. “You know what I mean.”

“Mhm.”

They both went quiet for a while after that. The dark country roads of rural southern Ontario rolled by fast enough that Olivia suspected they were moving a decent bit faster than the speed limit. Still, it was after midnight in the country, so she supposed they could get away with it. As long as the OPP wasn’t itching to toss out speeding tickets.

She also wasn’t going to complain about the idea of the time she had to spend alone with her father being shorter than expected.