I want to make more videos, but you should probably stop supporting me

In 2015 I took a small promotion & job relocation. I went from highly rewarding and personally fulfilling job in education, to a very similar job with a little more money but in a hostile work environment. A place where I had little impact and was constantly shit on by my new coworkers.

To fill the gap, I started making videos on youtube. I was searching to get back what I'd lost. I wanted to feel valued. I needed people to appreciate my work. To my surprise, it actually worked. You watched my stuff, you left praising comments, you supported me here financially. You all helped me through a tough period of my life and helped me to feel good about myself again. Thank you.

A few years later though, I've gotten back all I'd lost career wise. I just had a great week at work. I saw the change I was creating. I'm respected by all around me. Work is great.

So I want to make a new video, but if I'm being honest, I no longer need to make one. My self esteem and personal identity are no longer tied to my youtube account. It's rooted back in more tangible, offline things, and takes place between 9-5. 

But I still want to make videos. The burning, all-consuming, stay up until 3 in the morning need is gone, but even without that I can still make the time to produce videos on a slower schedule. Getting ideas however ...

You may have noticed that my videos have been gradually going back further and further in time. In covering 1987's Nethack, I went back as far as I can go. The only way forward is into the present and future, covering newer games.

Problem is I can't actually find quality time to play many new games anymore. My gaming time is small chunks here or there stolen on weekends, and maybe an hour on weeknights, just before bed when I'm worn out and half asleep. I can't deep dive into games like I used to, and it's hardly the best headspace to be in to get all analytical.

I've had several false starts, trying to force ideas through that really didn't deserve it - sometimes even great games don't make for great videos. I guess I'm waiting for a single great gaming moment to happen, a seed to be planted in my mind. Like it did in Deus Ex Human Revolution, when I saw the hostages will be killed if you're late to the party. Or when I walked out instead of killing the Emperor of Tamriel. When Garrus died, when I gave away my riches in Unreal World, when dispel actually worked on that guy in Baldur's Gate 2.

I'm super jealous of people like Mark Brown who can play and cover more games in a single video than I played in all of 2017. But with where my life is now - in the unfortunate position of being happily fulfilled with work and family - I just don't know when the next video idea will strike. It could be next week, it could be months from now.

Either way, to be completely honest, and to commit what probably amounts to patreon suicide, the money I get now from patreon is not going to affect that. And to expect you to stay on with such great gaps between videos is unrealistic, you'll probably forget you're even patrons when a video finally does come out. So I'm recommending you stop being my patrons. If I ever take up regular videos again you can jump back on.

If you still do want to stay on for some reason, patreon money does affect what I can do with my ideas - I'd like to do more stuff with artist Brett Ruys, for example.

I hope you're all as happy and fulfilled as I am, and if you're not quite there, there's this thing called youtube ...

Cheers,

Mr Wendal.

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