Learning my Light

Just when you think you know.... your world is shaken by something unpredictable causing you to wonder what it is you really know after all. 

I'm going through a re-discovery of knowing myself, my wants, my needs, my desires and why I am so easily shaken by the pressures of others. 

I love to believe I am confident and stand strong in who I am. 

However, the universe keeps sending me challenges, testing me to see if what I say I want is truly what lies within my heart. 

I'm trying to get to the root of it all. 

I know that I've always had a deep passion and innate need to create art thats always teetered on the edge. Even before I started creating it, I felt it within. 

I've been challenged that I create for the validation of others.... I don't like to believe this is true. I find extreme joy in my work.... others appreciation of it is secondary and always welcome. I create from a place within that has a strong desire to express because thats who I am at the core. Sometimes what is inside is soft and fragile, at times is filled with angst and turmoil, very often I express my inner light and joy, plus always tapping into my feminine and sensual energy. I am all of these things and want to use it all. I believe that is more than okay and what creates the full picture of who I am as artist, but also as a human. 

I have discovered a deep rooted kryptonite that I need to conquer. 

This is a flaw that I didn't realize I had until recently. It was exposed over these past few months and now I'm trying to figure out how to get past it all and be stronger than it. 

My need to be loved.... like real pure love... has caused me to waiver or even sacrifice on who I am. This makes very little sense because those who fallen in love with me want to alter and change who I am to fit their comforts. But then what happens to my existence? My light dims and I become something other than what they fell in love with and then they walk away wandering how I could be this way. 

Its been a repetitive cycle.... sometimes I discover it wasn't love from the other... it was narcissism masked as love. 

I believe I have experienced a real love... but its conditions require me to change the essence of who I am.... otherwise I miss out on this love. 

I become discourage because I see those I adore that way go way across the line boldly and also happily win in the game of love. 

I try so hard to understand why not me? Why have I been set apart? There has to be some greater purpose that I don't yet understand. 

My current remedy is to focus on loving myself, giving to myself, supporting myself, seeing the endless possibility in myself and saying yes to myself. 

I'll do this until it becomes enough. 

Until I've learned my inner light and it also becomes my out light. 

Always trying to understand the light, 

Lumen <3

Set created by Al Gillar in Miami FL