Sorry

On Tuesday night I tried my first treatment of Spravato nasal ketamine for. Treatment resistant depression. Within 1min I stared being sucked and dragged down into a nightmare of blackness, fear, confusion in which I thought and felt like was dying without the relief of death. My brain was producing fear rather than me responding to stimuli with fear. This wasn't me getting scared because of what I was experiencing; what I was experiencing was deep primalI existential fear inside a detached, isolated void. I can't properly understand or describe the experience because my cognition and perception were so distorted and removed.

After that initial stage subsided, I experienced all the normal effects and sensations associated with ketamine :

feeling disconnected from yourself, your thoughts, feelings and things around you

dizziness

nausea

feeling sleepy

spinning sensation

decreased feeling of sensitivity (numbness)

feeling anxious

lack of energy

feeling drunk

After what I thought was 30-40 mins I was released from the clinic only to find out it had been over two hours.

Since then I have been experiencing increasingly disruptive residual effects to the point where I have spent most of the past 24-36 hours in a semi/quasi catatonic state difficult to move and speak. It wouldn't be so bad but during this time my cognitive abilities have been greatly reduced and the thoughts I have are simple, broken, swirling, disconnected, repetitive and ruminant similar to when you try to process the events of a harrowing or traumatic experience right after it happens and I have been plagued by increased depression and anxiety that is breaking my head open.

So, lying motionless for hours on end, having difficulty speaking, moving and thinking, all while experiencing intense depression and anxiety about no particular thing at all plus about what is happening to your mind and whether it will ever subside or improve(there is only very small amount of anecdotal evidence about this effect of the drug some of which seems to indicate these problems can persist indefinitely) does not lend itself to anything let alone creating. A s such I'm going to pause my billing again. I don't know for how long because I might never get better or improve to be able to do anything. I'm sorry. Thanks for your patronage. Hopefully it won't be forwvwr