Rotting Meat

Quinn rejecting Hati's kiss/Quinn's POV

I look at your sweet face whilst holding your chin. Your sweet, oblivious face. It makes me feel bad, at times. Looking at it. Touching it without really feeling. There’s the decomposing meat between us, hindering me from truly feeling you.

“My flesh and bones are still here,” I say to comfort your peril. They are. For the time being. And when the flesh is nothing but rotting sustenance for maggots, are you going to weep over its fate? Or over yours for staying behind? Would you beg me to take you with me?

I think I wouldn’t like that.

I think I should.

“I love you.” I love you like a drowning man would love a rope. Or perhaps like a farmer loves the sun?

“How can you say that you love me and talk about dying?”

Love has nothing to do with death. Love doesn’t care about decaying flesh. It’s the memories love has a hold of.

Then, without a warning, you lean in to kiss me.

Your eager lips meet with mine. They stay at the entrance, their eagerness turning into hesitation. Where are the fanfares? The joy of greeting an old friend with open arms?

But no such greeting arrives.

Instead, I stand there, like a tree, unable to move, unsure if I even want to. It’s a curious feeling. Not something I’m used to. Was there a time when I would’ve returned the kiss? Of course.

But it’d be wrong. I know it would be. The circumstances are different.

Why should I care about such things? You’re eager. I should use that.

No. You’d care about it. You’d be hurt. And if you care, I should care. I need to please you. I need you to be happy and unhurt.

“I’m sorry,” you blurt out.

“Don’t apologize.” Your lips taste sweet. It brings memories of times long dead and forgotten. Did I taste them before? Even if I didn’t, I imagined it. So many times.

I've always been watching.

Your face darkens. There was an exchange uttered that I didn’t hear. Do you feel rejected? “Are you alright?”

• “Let’s just change the subject,” you say.

Oh. Good. That blew over quicker than I feared. What a nice surprise.

• “Why won’t you kiss me? If you love me?”

My sweet little ravenling, things are not that simple.

“You’ll lose me.” You will. This body will fail us both. It wasn’t meant to carry this load. It will rot away like a useless lump of meat that it is.

And you’ll be sad. Even sadder than you will be later. Even sadder than you would’ve been?

I shouldn’t tell you.

I should.

But it would only hurt you more. If I'm to protect you from being hurt, if I need to prepare you for what’s to happen, why would I do that?

No. I shouldn’t.

“I’ve accepted my fate,” I say to ease your mind. I haven’t. If I accepted my fate, I would’ve never come here to this gods-forsaken land with its disgusting squatters.

But I’m unsure what I should do. You’re the only one who can help me. And you will. You’re already helping. We just need to keep this thing going. Let’s not rock the boat. It might fall over. I might pull you with me to the depths of the ocean.

I'd hate that.