An Evil Man

Marcus ruminates on the killing

As I stare at my empty bed, there's only one thing invading my mind: I killed him.

My blade sank deep into his back. It tore his veins, it ripped his muscles. I made sure that he'd never see another day.

I should've seen it coming, what he was planning. But I never knew that he'd go this far. I want to say that he wasn't acting himself but… Was he? Did I just refuse to see the real him? 

My belt lets out a loud thump when I throw it on the floor. 

"Shit!" I rub my face. "Fuck fuck fuck." The string of curses does nothing to help me understand why he would attack you like that.

Nor does it help me understand why I did what I did.

Why didn't I just shove him away? Why did my hand dart to my knife? Seeing you underneath him did something to me. It made me act on instinct, like I didn't have time to think.

I sink into my bed and keep rubbing my face. I killed him.

For you.

Why? It's one thing to lie but this… this is weird.

Is it a false sense of duty that makes me save you over and over? Is it guilt? What is it?

The tunic that I wore when I murdered for you weighs heavy on me. I think there's a splatter of his blood on it.

I quickly take it off and throw it on the wall. "Fuck."

Shake it off, you idiot. What's done is done. Who cares about whys? It's done. He's dead. I killed him and I buried him. He's dead.

I killed him the same way I've killed the others.

My hand wanders to the scar on my face. Your father… Why did it feel different? There have been so many.

There have been many eyes on me, scarred by what I've done to them. To their loved ones. So many lives ruined because of me.

Why did your hateful gaze make any difference?

Did it really? Am I just dramatizing it all? Wasn't this just for fun? Am I not having fun?

Robus's cold snout pokes my hand. I pet her, barely realizing my actions.

"Yes. So much fun." Listen to me laugh.

Robus whines as an answer.

Then, as my hand wanders over the eye that I almost lost for your father, I get it. I know it deep in my heart but I would never utter it out loud.

I smile. Of course. It's so obvious.

You're what I deserve. Your hatred when you look at me is my condemnation. The things that I've done… I deserve to be reminded of it all when I see you. When you cry in my arms I need to know it's because of me. All those people I've killed cry in my arms in the shape of you. The children I've torn from their families weep with you. They howl in pain through you.

I'm an evil man. Your mere existence is my punishment.

It's my duty to keep you alive.

"Woo woo."

"Your opinion doesn't count, Robus."