Opening Up to You All

Hi everyone,

First of all, I wanted you to know I've got a ton of scripts getting signed and they'll be shipped off very soon. A few months' worth of them. So some of you will be receiving a few all at once to make up for lost time. Mikel, my fulfillment manager, has been compiling data for everyone's free merch and Teespring will be sending that out shortly, as well.

I wanted to apologize for my silence lately. I want to be fully honest with you. You're helping to keep my productions going. Many people have fallen away from helping for numerous reasons, so we're still struggling but I'm sure we will make it.

I've always had depression for pretty much as long as I can remember. But it's never been really terrible or anything. Anxiety is a different case. I've had it all my life and it's been horrible at times, better at others, but at least always simmering beneath the surface. I've used humor to mask my depression and anxiety for many years.

But when all this shit went down with YouTube, my brain had a switch flipped. A switch that flung me into a much darker place. I felt like I had finally found a purpose in my life and a true passion, and I was stabbed in the back. I had that passion torn away from me. I'm not here to blame anyone. Shit happens. Some people are less kind than others. Whatever. It is what it is.

Anyway, I got to the darkest point I've ever been in my life. I was thinking about very foolish things and had basically allowed myself to destroy myself. I have become that stereotypical guy in the movies who loses something really important and becomes a hermit who just doesn't give a shit about anything anymore. The guy who doesn't shave and who only ever wears a bathrobe around and hates life and himself. Who isolates from his friends and finds absolutely nothing that can bring him joy anymore. Everything in my life was filtered by a grey haze that prevented me from finding the happiness in it. Video games made me feel sick. Reading made me uncomfortable. Making videos made me angry, frustrated, and hopeless. All the things I loved to do just brought me agony. I haven't even gotten a haircut in months.

It got to the point where I had to make an emergency appointment with a doctor one day. I felt like I was losing my mind. I was spiraling in the worst way I had ever spiraled. I actually made an appointment previously but when I called back they bumped it again for the next day thankfully.

To no surprise, I have been diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. I will be seeing a psychiatrist soon to further get my head on right. But I've decided to give medication a try. It took a couple weeks to really get into my system and start changing things. But it's made a world of a difference. I still have plenty of off times but my brain has been balanced out much better than weeks ago. I've actually wanted to make videos again. I've gotten enjoyment out of things.

I just lost my passion for a while. My identity and purpose took a direct hit and that hit was hard. I was happy being successful. Go figure, right? So to have it ripped away overnight the way it was hurt me considerably. But I'm getting my strength back. I'm getting my life back. And I thank you all for sticking with me. Thank you for helping me stay afloat. You're helping more than just me. You're helping the people who depend on me. And that means so much.

So again. I apologize for my absence and the fact that I haven't been working as hard. I know many of you will say it's okay and I don't have to apologize, but you have committed to helping me. Making YOU happy as a top priority. And I'm glad I'm getting back to that point again.

YouTube will very likely never be a place that's welcoming to me again. But I've got you all.

Part of the reason I'm telling this long-winded story, is because if you feel similarly to how I've felt for your own reasons (like depression and anxiety), I'd be one to vouch for seeing a doctor and trying medication, as long as you're open and communicative to your doctor throughout the process. One medication may not work as well as another could.

So yeah, you all mean a lot to me. So if you're feeling that you're spiraling, I'll use my experience to maybe help you. You are worthy of happiness. Do what you feel you must to find balance. You are loved. You make a difference. Trust me.

Thank you for all that you do.

Rob