blog ✦ a redraw & Big Feelings

Hello! So uh. This blog is gonna be talking a fair about the cruel and unyielding passage of time cause it's been on my mind a lot and working on this piece brought those feelings into even sharper focus, which I did not think was possible considering I've been playing so much Persona 3 (I'm still not finished so no spoilies please, but Persona games are usually very heavy on the ~wistful~ and the ~making the most of the time we have~ feeling, but Persona 3 Reload is like. hitting me across the face with them like a fucking sledgehammer, I've actually had to take a break from playing cause it's been making me cry so much TT) 

also I'm supposed to be preparing for my trip to Cincinnati this weekend (i'm meeting up with Leigh Ellexson and Jamie Green and Bird Warde this weekend and I'm. so. chill about it *vibrates with nerves and excitement*) but instead of cleaning and packing I'm going to talk to you about all my very wistful feelings!!!

I've found my dream procreate brush!!

first off, I will say that I have found my DREEEAMMM procreate brush -- I'm always on the hunt for brushes that simulate the feeling I get from drawing traditionally in my sketchbook, and in particular, for a brush that emulates the feeling of doodling with a black gel pen. Well!!! This "not muji gel pen" brush from Wendy Xu is exactly that -- it so perfectly replicates the feeling I get from drawing with gel pen in my sketchbook, I actually yelled when I first tried it out. it's what I ended up using for the line art in this piece!! they've got loads of other great traditional media procreate brushes that I can't wait to try, particularly the felt tip pen one >:)'

redrawing an old #dtiys of mine from 2020

So I've been looking back at a lot of my old work recently -- like, wistfully scrolling down my own Instagram feed and looking back on the days when I could easily clock 9k+ likes on a single post, back on the days when other people seemed more keen on my work (and maybe when I seemed more keen on my own work). I understand that it is extremely unhealthy and not a good idea to use my social media stats to measure the value of my work, or how "good" my art is, but it is unfortunately a very easy trap to fall into, especially when my Instagram follower count (tho yes, 135k is an impressive number and I'm super grateful for it) has been stuck at the same number for the last two years while it seems all my peers have steadily been growing upward, and my YouTube views and engagement overall has fallen over the past couple years. I know that "comparison is the thief of joy" and all that, but I am merely human, and so I am prone to falling into these thought traps during my Bad Times: the thought traps of "my best days are behind me", "I'm becoming irrelevant", and "maybe I should just not do this anymore". (You being here and enjoying my work is tangible and strong proof that those thoughts are silly and baseless, but I get stuck inside my own head sometimes where such reason is often away on holiday.)

Again, I know that a lot of these thoughts have no foundation, and stem from fear and insecurity, but I'm trying to be vulnerable here!! So welcome to what my brain sounds like half the time!! Since I can't stop being wistful, I'm trying to turn it into a useful tool for further growth instead of letting it make me bitter and angry that I'm no longer the artist/person I was 3 years ago. And what better way to do that than to redraw an older piece!! I sold out of the prints I had left for this piece back in my September clearance sale, and I'm still quite fond of it, so I wanted to have another go at it.

I actually took a reference selfie for this heheh cause believe it or not, it's way easier to draw when you have a reference to pull from. I literally sometimes forget that I can just take selfies for reference so this is me reminding you as well!!

(I will say, one thing I've gotten MUCH MUCH better at is drawing human bodies from reference, which is cool to see :'))

I recently got a Lamy Safari fountain pen (as influenced by the ever wonderful Megan Wang, who showed off hers in one of her recent videos), and it is truly WILD how fun it is to draw with this thing!!! I've been SCRIBBLIN and sketchbooking is suddenly really fun again!! Who knew all I needed was a yellow fountain pen!!

I brought the photo of my sketch into Procreate and cranked out this piece at like 9pm on Monday lol. Inspiration waits for no one I guess!! I struggled a fair bit with colors, and I wondered at one point if I wanted to use a pencil brush for the lineart instead of the muji gel brush, but I caught myself thinking "hmmm I wonder if people will like it more if I use the pencil brush" and so I instead went with the notMUJI gel brush mentioned above, cause that was what I wanted to use. :o) And I think it served the piece well!! I turned the timelapse video into a gif for easier viewing (mild flash warning!!):

I'm learning that there are two art wolves inside of me: one wants crispy, super detailed lineart and flat colors that make for very yummy, edible art, and the other one wants creamy, textured, soft pieces that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. So now my current challenge (and exploration I suppose) is figuring out how to make these two wolves get along >:(

I posted this on insta this morning with a very emotional squishy caption, and there's been so many kind comments, but this one really hit me:

It reminds me that my art isn't just something that I make--my art is me. We are one and the same!! Which is likely why our relationship can be so tumultuous lol. 

I mentioned the "cruel and unyielding passage of time" at the top of this post, and it's the hum that seems to run behind everything I do right now. I know time is always moving forward, but I've been so hyperaware of it recently, and looking back on all my old stuff only heightens the feeling.

I will never again be the person I was in my 2019 YouTube videos, I will never again make the art that social media deemed "my most successful", I will never again be 24 or 26 or 28. What a gift and blessing it is to age and grow, and what a strange thing it is to turn around and see every past version of you looking at you with terror and hope. I feel like all I can do is shrug at them and offer them a cup of tea anyway. 

I asked Leigh once how she seemed to make so much art all the time, and she told me, very simply, "I guess it's my therapy." I think I'm starting to understand what she meant. 

Thanks for reading all these feelings, and thank you for being here. Sending all my love u3u 

Talk soon!!! xxx
~ Chey