"Texting with... July" pt. 3

You: You gotta check out the Themed Strip-Off. Nothing brings out the tiger in a gal like a bit of slutty competition.

July: Haha, you pig!

July: Im calling 1-800-Phone-a-feminist.

You: I think that'd be too many numbers.

July: You're gonna get a ticket and everything.

You: Hey you are the one covering a bunch of women competing for who can take their clothes off the best.

July: Yeah it's fine if I watch it, I'm a journalist.

July: They might actually give me an award for doing stuff like this.

You: Shit… I picked the wrong job.

July: Yeah, dummy! 😂 😘.

July: Okay, I gotta go, they're starting and I don't want to miss the opening show.

You: Haha, have fun!... And don't be afraid to text me after if you wanna talk about the strip competition, or whatever.

July: Haha, you're an animal!

July: Byee!

Its a few hours before I hear from July again.

Given the little excursion into debauchery she's on, I can't say I haven't been anxious to get more updates.

But eventually, I hear the chirp of an incoming text.

I'm a little embarrassed how quick I jerk my phone from my pocket to check it.

July: Oh my god, I am EXHAUSTED!

You: Walking through the lands of deviance really takes it out of you, huh?

July: lol. I may feel grimy for a week, but it was so fun!

July: Like, it was all so thrilling that I think I've just been getting a slow drip of adrenaline and dopamine all day and now I'm totally coming down.

July: Plus I had to make that long drive down to Atlantic city, then sort through all the notes, then get to the show, plus I've been chugging coffee, like, all day!

July: It's, like, no wonder I'm crashing, you know!

You: Totally, 100% see where you're coming from. Of course you'd be tired after that kind of day.

You: Soooo… How was the strip-competition?

July: Oh I actually skipped it last minute to go check out the waxing section.

You: You can't be serious.

You: How could you, this was important to us.

July: lol, us?

July: But ya, I'm totally kidding 😛

July: The Themed Striptease Competition was so exciting! I had so much fun!

You: Girl, I am all ears.

July: Haha, I bet you are! 😘

July: So it was just this strip show where all these girls who signed up just came out one at a time in their different outfits and did their best routines.

July: They had a panel of judges and an audience vote to score the different routines.

You: Sounds like a very official, well put together operation! Were they going by North American or International League rules?

July: Um, I don't know?

July: Are there like, different rules for strip clubs in different parts of the world?

You: I dunno, I'm just being a smart-ass.

July: Well do you want me to tell you how this strip-contest went or not?

You: I'm sorry, you're right, please continue.

July: So, the first lady out slutty cowgirl.

July: Had the lasso and everything. And she really knew how to use it, twirling it all over the place WHILE she was stripping!

You: Well they do say women are better at multitasking.

July: You're making me crack up! 😂

You: Did she keep her cowboy boots and hat on the entire time though?

July: Haha, she did!

You: That's a professional, right there.

July: I mean, there were too many to list all of them, I'm trying to think of some of the best routines.

July: There was a two-girl routine of slutty goth nurses.

You: Slutty-goth nurses. What a country!

July: They had a super cute dance number where they stripped down to their lacey bits.

July: Then they picked a girl out of the crowd and brought her back up the stage, where they strapped her to a gurney, and then stripped naked  and twerked all over her.

July: Is it telling that I was a little jealous of that woman they pulled out of the crowd.

You: I think we're all a little jealous of that woman.

July: lol, well I guess that doesnt make me feel ASS bad!

July: I personally really liked the sexy, retro-rocket girl routine!

You: Retro-Rocket girl?

July: Yeah, she had this cute, 1950s retro-pulp space cadet thing going on. With a space helmet and wings on her heels… and a super high cut leotard.

You: Definitely rated for the vacuum of space, I'm sure.

July: Haha, she came out riding this rocket.

You: Did the rocket look like a penis?

July: More than rockets usually do?

You: Yeah.

July: lol, then yes. The rocket she was riding was particularly phallic, even for a rocket.

You: Ha!

July: Sexy Secretary might have been the most mundate, but I think physically, she put on the best show.

July: Like, she had just the most amazing legs. The miniskirt she had was so tight I swear it was painted on.

July: But the things she did on that pole were breathtaking!

You: Uh oh. Someone sounds smitten.

July: Stop! Lol

You: She sounds very inspirational.

July: Oh my god, you just want to talk me into stripping.

You: I have no idea what youre talking about.

July: Haha, I'm sure.

July: More likely, I bet you're just drooling to hear how seeing all those curvy, sexy women spinning and dancing and jiggling up on that stage got me all hot and bothered and wanting to just start dancing and tear off my clothes myself.

You: Whoa, hey, you're words, not mine.

July: I bet you wish I got so riled up watching the strippers that I just couldn't help but pick out a cute little theme outfit myself on my way out.

You: Oddly specific.

You: Wait a minute...

July: 😘

You: So… I imagine in this scenario I'd be very curious about what kind of outfit you picked up.

July: Mmmm, I bet you wish it was a sexy police officer, coming to arrest you for all your dirty thoughts!