30: Comfort

Inho pulled away, out of Jamie’s clutching hug. He set his shoulders and turned towards her. Her eyes were bloodshot and mascara was smeared around them in wet clumps. She was beautiful to him, same as always – far more beautiful than their video calls could ever capture.

“I missed you,” she had said. He’d missed her too, missed her every hour of every day since she left him. She haunted him. He ached knowing how he hurt her with his shortcomings and passivity. He wanted their long deep phone conversations, and the urgency and fire of the time they spent together. He wanted that girl under the bedsheet on a sunny afternoon, exchanging I love you’s like they were the first ones to discover the feeling.

Taking her cheeks in his hands, he looked down at her tear-streaked face. He met her eyes and he lied to her.

“I didn’t miss you at all,” he said, crumbling inside. “I’ve moved on, and I need you to leave.”

His fingers were numb on her face, acid roiled in his stomach and he swallowed hard to keep the bile from rising. He clenched his teeth, holding back an attempt to reclaim the words, to tell he was sorry, that he loved her and he’d do better, be better. But, the time he’d spent mourning this relationship had convinced him it was over – a perspective gained through grieving.

Jamie blinked hard, several times, clearing her eyes. Her jaw was slack with shock.

“Inho,” she replied, her voice empty but for despair.

Then, she got up and grabbed her bag, and without another word, left as abruptly as Stephen. She moved without a sound, but Inho could see her thin shoulders shaking.

When the door slammed shut behind her, he broke. Deep heaving sobs that left him gasping for air. He fell bonelessly onto the cushions.

When he could breathe again, he crawled his hands off the couch to grab his phone from the side table without standing up. Dragging himself back into the fetal position, he texted Jasmine to tell her he’d broken up with Jamie for good this time. He knew it was the right move, but goddamn it hurt.

Jasmine called him immediately.

“Where are you, baby?” She demanded without preamble.

“I’m home, on my couch.”

“Come to the bar, we’re in your hood. No arguing, I’ll text you the address,” she said, before hanging up.

Inho heaved himself up and blew his nose. He should probably shower; he was clammy with stress sweat, but he didn’t have the energy, so he changed his shirt instead. Luckily the bar was only a few blocks away, and he walked quickly to ward off the night’s chill.

When he arrived, Jasmine jumped out of her seat to wave at him from the back of the pub, then ran to him. He didn’t even get his hands out of his pockets before she enveloped him in a tender hug. Without releasing him, they penguin walked over to the table where Nathan was sitting. Inho hadn’t expected Nathan to be there and would have wondered why the two were together, but he couldn’t summon the will to care.

Nathan stood, and after small hesitation, he wrapped Jasmine and Inho both into a bear hug. Inho blushed at the attention.

“I heard about what happened,” he said, “sit down and tell us the rest if you like. Drinks are on me.”

Inho slumped into a wooden bar chair, it was dark in the pub with indie music pumping through the speakers, and a wood fire burning in one corner. Nathan ordered, and after a few minutes of Inho giving them the rundown of events, a waitress dropped a sweating pitcher of beer on their table along with an enormous plate of nachos.

Jasmine immediately filled his glass, and while he sipped it, she dropped her take on the situation.

“I think you did the right thing. You guys have been in a weird spot forever, and neither of you was happy. What?” she gestured with her glass, “Were you going to be long-distance forever? It’s time to move on. It’s Stephen o’clock, now! How did that go anyway?”

Inho’s guts heated at the memory. It felt like days had passed, but only a few hours stood between now and dry-humping on the couch with Stephen. He shifted awkwardly in his chair.

“Um...it was going pretty well.” he looked down at his legs, “We were kissing when Jamie came in.”

“What?!” Jasmine exploded, and Nathan put a calming hand on her shoulder. Other patrons turned to look briefly, and the buzz of conversation resumed.

The three of them gossiped about what had happened and as the pitcher was replaced by another, and another, Inho relaxed. At Jasmine’s urging, Nathan went to get them a round of tequila shots, and Jasmine slammed her glass on the table after draining it.

“So Jamie’s a cockblocker eh, and how did you feel about,” she startled herself with a small burp, then continued, “fooling around with a guy? Was it alright?”

“Yeah...it was pretty hot actually. I thought it might be weird but, I dunno. I’m sort of looking back at how I saw guys before, you know?” Inho wrinkled his nose thoughtfully, “Like, one has never been into me before, so I guess I just didn’t think too hard about it.”

“And you’re still attracted to girls?”

Inho puffed air into his cheeks before releasing it, “Yeah, definitely. I don’t think it’s as frequent with guys either. I’ve been sorta looking at men around, and ah, seeing what I think.”

“You gotta figure out your type!” Jasmine bubbled, effervescent with excitement at the topic. She really loved romance. She hit him with a sly sidelong look, “Though Nathan and Stephen both have a similar vibe, eh?”

“Ahhhhh Jas, don’t. It’s embarrassing.”

Nathan came back with a handful of shots and limes, and Inho took his– tossing his head back at Jasmine’s countdown. He laughed with them, but inside his heartfelt loose and shaky, as if it was unanchored in his chest.