2. A quiet Night

I saw no lights nor heard any sounds. 

There were only feelings and sensations as my mind sluggishly wandered through hazy darkness. I couldn’t focus on anything, as though everything was simultaneously too bright and too dark.

And in my body, I could feel every bumps, every scrapes of that moment in the clearing over and over again: the strain in my arms as I climbed up the tree, the thick leaves brushing roughly against my cheeks, the bark scraping my skin, leaving tiny scratches along my arms and legs. 

None of it had seemed to matter at the time… as though those sensations hadn’t existed at all. But now, that was all there was. 

I could feel the texture of the branch I had perched on. My arms and legs, crawling along its length, ripping my dress and pulling on my hair. With all the time in the world to think, I realised it hadn’t been a particularly sturdy branch. Probably too brittle and small to support my weight. But I’d chosen it anyway, because I just wanted to show them how brave I was.

Even without seeing, I could still feel the dread rise in my chest as Knox left the clearing. My legs sprang up again and, inevitably, the branch snapped beneath me.

I felt the sharp leaves cut my skin as I dropped, the wind slapping the bottom of my dress against my legs as if it was trying to hold me back. And then, my stomach drops as the ground rushes towards me. I could feel my chest tighten as the wind screamed past me.

And then… Nothing… Again.

Then, for a moment… A blink in time… Both light and sound came crashing back in. It wasn’t like any light or sounds I knew. It was blank. Painful. Insufferable. 

Sparks raced through my arms, my legs, my chest, my head, my ears, my eyes, even my thoughts. It lasted both an instant and forever. 

And then, it stopped.

And what came next was worse: Blankets. Pillows. And pain. Sharp, excruciating pain.

My eyes creaked open. For a second, I thought I was still in the forest, but no, I recognised the canopy above my bed. Blue fabric rippled gently in the morning light filtering through the curtains. I could just barely make out the crest of Meiriem above me, though the insignia, usually so perfectly stitched, now looked blurry. 

Confused, I squinted to see better. Immediately, lightning shot through my skull and down my spine, as if needles were being pushed through my bones. I shut my eyes again, and the pain faded. But I was back in the darkness. 

Time passed… Or maybe it didn’t. I couldn't really tell anything for sure.

I opened my eyes again. It was darker now. The light had shifted. Evening?

I tried to move. A single twitch. And more pain assaulted me. Blinding, impossible pain. My vision blurred again. I could barely see anything, so I closed my eyes. 

The pain faded. 

I opened them again, just in time for sunlight to hit my face. I blinked. Pain. Darkness again.

The only thing that remained the same was the canopy and the two foxes of Meiriem stitched into it. Jaws full of wallflowers, looking down at me.

Sometimes, I thought the folds of the fabric changed with the light. Or maybe it was just the blur in my eyes.

I didn’t know how long it had been. Minutes? Days? Months? Years?

Eventually, I blinked again. And the world around me remained still. 

My thoughts felt like they were settling back into place. I could string them together again. I saw light again, this time coming from the door. A yellow glow slipped through the seam, lighting the canopy from below. Candlelight, maybe. Or a lamp? 

Was someone outside the room? Wait, why was I in my room at all? Shouldn’t I be in the clearing?

As I tried to remember what happened, a painful vibration ran through my skull as if a horse was galloping through my head. I tried blinking, hoping it would make the pain go away again. But it didn’t.

I turned my head toward the window, but this immediately sent the world spinning around me. My stomach twisted. I gagged on my dry throat, which sent me into a coughing fit and curling  on myself.

Something was wrong… Very wrong with my body. 

It was painful, but it wasn’t just pain. I knew pain. I’d been sick before. Scraped my knees. Banged my head. But this was different. 

And so much worse.

I pushed through the pain and dizziness, sitting up inch by inch. The room looked the same as it always did. Just like any other time I had woken up in the middle of the night. 

Quiet. 

Dark. 

Too quiet, too dark.

[Knox?] I tried to call out, but nothing came out of my throat.

Confused, I called out again.

[Ela?] 

But still, nothing came out.

[Mom?] 

I could feel my throat vibrate, my lungs empty, but no sound escaped my mouth.

I tried again. And again. I could feel my breath, even my lips, but there was no sound.

I kept calling names after names… For everyone and anyone, but the words remained trapped inside my throat.

I started counting…

[one, two, three...]

Then singing… 

[She said to me, my red lady...]

…And when even that made no sound… 

I started screaming. 

I wailed and shrieked and howled.

But still nothing came out. 

I continued screaming on and on for what felt like hours. 

It felt like I was drowning, my lungs burning with every new breath I took. My screams muffled by the black of the night as I felt myself sank deeper and deeper into a dark abyss. My words carried away, never to be heard by anyone, and swallowed by the blue walls of the room.

Panicking, I tried to get out of bed, but as soon as my foot touched the floor, pain shot through it like a thousand needles, the pain making its way up my leg. Sending me howling toward the floor, pain cutting my breath. I gasped for air as cold sweat ran down my face. 

I tried to catch my breath, but I couldn’t. As if something was sitting on my chest, pressing harder the more I gasped. I tried to stand. I tried to speak. But nothing.

The pain was worse than I thought possible. I didn’t want Ela and Knox to see me like this. What would they think? I had always been the fastest when we raced down the corridors. The strongest when we threw rocks at the pond. But now, I couldn’t even stand. Even Dalton could crawl his way around most of the time.

I started crying. My tears dropped silently, leaving wet stains on the marble floor. 

I desperately tried standing up again. But another jolt of pain ran through my body as soon as I put my foot down. A terrible sensation starting from the bottom of my sole up through my spine, even worse than before. 

It made me gag again. Sending me into another horriblel coughing fit as tears continued flowing from my eyes as I continued screaming and screaming and screaming. 

And yet, still not a sound reached my ears. 

[Please, Knox… come get me!! I don't want to hide anymore!!!] I called out as I cried.

I’m alone. So alone… And I can’t even call for help. 

Knox had always come to get me when I had a nightmare. Why wasn’t he here now? Why didn’t he know I was scared? Why wasn’t he coming?

[Please, Dalton, come here! We’ll play chess! Or soldiers! Anything you want!]

My throat started burning, but I kept screaming. My vision was blurry from the tears and the pain, but I didn't stop. 

Why wasn’t my voice coming out? Was this a dream?  Or a punishment? Was I locked in my room for misbehaving? I didn’t mean to fall, I swear! I just wanted to impress everyone! I just wanted everyone to love me!

[Help!!! Help!!! Mom! Dad! Ela! Knox! Dalton! Anyone! Please!]

Please someone! 

Please come! 

I don’t want this! 

I’m scared! 

Why can’t I make any noise? 

Why does my throat hurt?! 

Why can’t anyone hear me?!

I kept screaming as I felt my throat ache, muddle and crack. 

I yelled until my tongue went numb, my eyes went dry, and my lungs were burning like hot coal. 

Light started fading from my eyes. 

I tried to keep them open and continued making as much noise as I could, even trying to hit things with my fist, but before I could realise what was happening, everything went dark again. 

I was back into the void.

I don’t want to disappear. 

Not like this. 

Not alone in silence.