The Art of Boundaries

Hey folks, couple years ago I took a class called “The art of difficult conversations” and to this day I am still implementing some of the language techniques I used in that course to get clearer on my boundaries.

“Boundaries are something we will do if an action or non-action is taken by another individual” For example: if I reach out to you with love and support, and it is met with no response, I will not reach out to you for a while.

Here’s an example I made to follow this infographic.

1. I need to be heard and supported

2. When there is no response or reach out that signals to me that something I’ve shared wasn’t of value

3. I know you want to hear more from us and see pictures which I’ll happily do if there is more emotional support

4. I’d love to ask for more help without it causing an emotional reactivity in you and just be heard without needing to give advice unless asked for

5. I want to let you know more often what’s going on in my life. Even the small stuff.

We all have different views and ways of looking at things and I understand that can cause some tension sometimes because we can’t understand where the other is coming from. But these are my boundaries and they are important to me and to our relationship because:

• Makes the relationship last longer
• Stops resentment
• Protects your energy
• It shows maturity

I’d love to know what it is that in your mind creates a space that is safe for sharing openly?

I understand this is a busy world we live in and sometimes we are just too tired to respond, but it’s not hard to say that “busy atm, will respond to this tomorrow or next week”.

I probably should have shared this with you before, but here are some things that make me feel psychologically safe and are what I value the most in conversations / projects with other people:

* Clear communication even if just a couple words in response

"busy atm but will get back to you tomorrow, that ok?"

* Non-judgement when sharing anything. If we disagree on something finding ways to discuss that and not shove it under the rug.

What are your boundaries?

For me, a lack of response lowers my motivation and I will likely invest my time elsewhere. I need to feel like there is the same level of interest between us as that harbours more respect.

When you don't respond at all, I can't help but assume something is wrong, even if it's not between us. I want to be honest and have clear communication between us (if you agree, and be upfront about when we can and can't respond.)

Otherwise I will assume non/ interest and will not make an effort to communicate with you for a while if there is no response.

I'm still learning all of this myself, so I totally make space for any of our mistakes during this process of growth. I just want to be upfront so there is no confusion. I no longer wish to be in any group chats as I think 1:1 conversations are more personal and needed.

Let me know if this is something that resonates with you. Personally I struggle to be this upfront sometimes as there is a fear that the other person won’t care or take it the wrong way. But the point is to be honest so that resentment doesn’t build in the relationship. It is better to be upfront and have some difficult conversations, rather than say nothing at all and have no contact for years in my opinion.