Qiu (F) Morning After Sneak Peek

29 December

You’re awakened by an unfamiliar alarm tone in an unfamiliar room. Sunlight slants through the little slit where the curtain hadn't been drawn all the way across the window. For a moment, disorientation grips you—the bed is a tad too hard, the sheets too crisp, the room too sparse and carefully organized to be yours. Even the air smells different—clean bedsheets, still emanating the faint scent of... Oh.

You remember where you are—Qiu's bedroom in her rented apartment. Memories of last night come rushing back. Unguarded laughter and conversation as you'd made your way around the winter festival's colorful booths.

Last night, you'd finally felt free of the weight of your history together. For the first time, you'd been able to focus less on the past that had torn you apart, and more on a possible future where you just might end up together.

The alarm continues to blare, but Qiu doesn't stir. After reaching over her to slap at her phone to silence it, you settle back into your side of the bed and study Qiu, marveling that she'd been able to sleep through the commotion.

When you'd gone to bed last night, you'd been afraid, irrationally perhaps, that you'd wake up this morning only to find that none of the events of the past few days had been real. You worried that you'd wanted a distraction from Nat so badly that your brain had cooked up a far-fetched fantasy from your past.

Qiu is curled up in a tiny corner of the bed—you can feel the warmth radiating from her body, and hear the soft puff of every exhale. Even while sleeping, Qiu looks like she is puzzling over a complicated problem. You study the downward sweep of thick, dark eyebrows, the taut line of her lips, the regal jut of her angular cheekbones, unable to stop the swell of affection that rises in your chest.

You're glad that this week hadn't been a figment of your imagination, after all.

If someone told you that you'd one day be waking up next to Qiu in her own rented apartment...

CHOICE

• I never would have believed them.

• I've always held out some hope that this might happen.

#I never would have believed them.

You'd fallen in love with someone else, someone who loved you back, someone with whom you'd built an entirely new life.

A good life. Until it wasn't anymore.

With Nat, you'd been slow to open yourself to potential heartbreak. It happened piece by piece—innocuous conversations in class, time spent in the library, coffees outside class… until your rational mind was bought over as much as your heart.

But with Qiu, it had been the opposite—you'd fallen so quickly into her orbit after just one night at the party, and now, it seems you're doing exactly the same. 

Goddamn. What is it about Qiu that makes you so vulnerable to sudden, rash decisions? 

#I've always held out some hope that this might happen.

You've done everything you can to move on from Qiu. You'd fallen in love with someone else, someone who loved you back, someone with whom you'd built an entirely new life.

A good life. Until it wasn't anymore.

And now, after falling so quickly back into Qiu's orbit, you're beginning to wonder what it is about Qiu that makes you so vulnerable to sudden, rash decisions.

With Nat, you'd been slow to open yourself to potential heartbreak. It happened piece by piece—innocuous conversations in class, time spent in the library, coffees outside class… until your rational mind was bought over as much as your heart.

Now that you'd met Qiu again, you wonder if there'd always been a part of you that had subconsciously held out for the possibility that you might one day meet Qiu again, no matter how slim that chance.

CONTINUE

Qiu blinks sleepily as she struggles to adjust to the brightness of the room. Your heart flutters when her gaze finally lands on you.

"Heya," she croaks, before giving you a soft smile, the kind she seems to reserve just for you.

You take a deep breath. Watching Qiu sleep, you'd been filled by an uncanny sense of deja vu—as though you've been here before, in an alternate life.

"Hey yourself," you say gently.

Qiu scoots closer.

*if you had sex with Qiu last night

She seems a little shy about how naked the two of you are under the covers. Your clothes are still lying in a tangled heap on the floor by the bed.

"Did you sleep well?" Qiu asks.

"I did. You were out like a log. Didn't even hear your own alarm." You shoot her a wry smile. "I switched it off."

Qiu looks sheepish. "Sorry." There's a playful twinkle in her eye. "I guess last night tired me out."

You press your lips together, unable to decide between feeling a twinge of arousal at the reminder of last night's… physical exertions, and laughing at Qiu's unique brand of flirting, if you can call it that.

The two of you had reverted to uncontrollable teenagers last night, unable to keep your hands off each other as though making up for all the years you'd lost, until finally—completely spent, every nerve-end still tingling slightly—the two of you must've finally fallen asleep without realizing.

"Well, soon you're going to have all the time in the world to catch up on your sleep," you say softly. This makes Qiu frown, and your heart gives an answering pang.

*else

"Did you sleep well?" Qiu asks.

"I did. You were out like a log. Didn't even hear your own alarm." You shoot her a wry smile. "I switched it off."

Qiu looks sheepish. "Sorry." A brief pause, before she flashes you a smile. "I do sleep better when you're around."

You laugh, amused at Qiu's unique brand of... flirting, if you can call it that. "Don't get too used to it," you say softly. This makes Qiu frown, and your heart gives an answering pang.

Attempting to change the subject, you ask, "you have to get to the office, don't you?"

Qiu pulls back a little, just far enough that the two of you can stare at each other.

Since you're flying off in two days, and it's about time you actually spent some time with your family—if she has to leave for work today, this very well might be the last time you see Qiu, at least for a while. You clench your jaw, and brace yourself. The dream, after all, had to end. To be honest, you're surprised it had even lasted this long...

Except, Qiu surprises you by saying, "I'll call in sick today."

CHOICE

• "What?!" I frown. "No you shouldn't."

• Hesitate. "Really? Sure that's okay?"

• Grin. "Damn. Who's the bad influence now?"

#"What?!" I frown. "No, you shouldn't."

Qiu raises an eyebrow. "Why not?"

You frown. Although it would be nice to spend a little more time with Qiu before you leave, you've been burnt enough by the history between you to be wary of asking things like this of Qiu. You're tired of being pitted against Qiu's success as though you're the one thing she keeps choosing at the expense of her own interests.

Now that you're older, and having lived for so many years without Qiu, you no longer feel like you need her to sacrifice anything on your behalf. You arch an eyebrow. "I don't need you to lie to your employer just to spend time with me."

Qiu bites her lip. "I know you don't. But I want to." She gives you a complicated look. When you remain silent, Qiu nudges you gently with an elbow, lips curling upward into a crooked grin. "C'mon. How often does the love of your life show up, and agree to spend time with you?" Qiu’s tone is light, but her gaze is as intense as ever.

#Hesitate. "Really? Sure that's okay?"

Although it would be nice to spend a little more time with Qiu before you leave, you've been burnt enough by the history between you to be wary of asking things like this of her. You're tired of being pitted against Qiu's success as though you're the one thing she keeps choosing at the expense of her own interests.

Qiu smiles at you. "Sure, why not? I haven't taken a single day of sick leave yet. It's plausible, isn't it?" Abruptly, she turns to the other side of the bed, and starts violently coughing.

"The heck?!" you blurt out, concerned. "You okay?!"

Qiu turns back, a grin on her face. "Just rehearsing."

You snort and punch her lightly in the shoulder. "You're ridiculous," you say, though you're smiling now too. "Okay, if you're sure."

Qiu nudges you gently with an elbow, lips curling upward into a crooked grin. "Of course I'm sure. How often does the love of your life show up, and agree to spend time with you?" Qiu’s tone is light, but her gaze is as intense as ever.

#Grin. "Damn. Just to be sure, this is your idea."

You'd wanted to spend a little more time with Qiu, but you've been through enough in junior college to be wary of asking things like this of her. You'd never intended to be thing she chooses at the expense of her own interests.

But you suppose, in some ways, you'd always wanted her to—just once in a while—pick you without you asking for it.

Now, it seems like Qiu's doing exactly that—you just have to decide if it's too late.

Qiu shrugs and gives you a complicated look. "I know."

You snort. "Who's the bad influence now?"

Qiu smirks at you, before abruptly turning to the other side of the bed, violently coughing.

"The heck?!" you blurt out, concerned. "You okay?!"

Qiu turns back, a grin on her face. "Just demonstrating that I've picked up the tools of the trade from you."

"Damn. Where were these acting skills when we needed to cut class?" you ask, elbowing her in the ribs playfully.

Qiu's lips curl upward into a crooked grin. "Desperate times call for desperate measures. How often does the love of your life show up, and agree to spend time with you?" Qiu’s tone is light, but her gaze is as intense as ever.

CONTINUE (All three options lead here)

You blink. It's just like Qiu to skip 'I love you' altogether and go straight to calling you the 'love of her life'.

Qiu, too, falls silent. Given her profession, you can't imagine she often says things without careful deliberation first. On the other hand, if Qiu had fully intended to say something that weighty, you have no idea how to respond.

A brief, uncertain silence falls over the two of you.

CHOICE

• "'Love of your life' huh," I tease, keeping things light-hearted. 

• Take a deep breath. "I… love you too, you know."

#"'Love of your life', huh," I tease, keeping things light-hearted. 

Qiu's cheeks turn a little pink, but she just makes a face at you.

You can't help smiling. Sometimes, Qiu could be so melodramatic. Still, her ability to be so unflinchingly honest has always affected you more than you let on.

"Alright, so you'll spend the day with me?" Qiu says, sitting up and grabbing her phone from the side table. "I'll call my boss."

You brush your teeth, half-listening through the open door as she makes the necessary arrangements, impeccably formal and professional even at barely past-eight in the morning. When she's done, you've regained some semblance of composure.

#Take a deep breath. "I… love you too, you know."

Qiu sits up, blinking earnestly at you. The expression on her face is so tender that your throat closes up. Even though life had taken this strange, convoluted path, you'd somehow still ended up right where you'd left off.

For a split second, you can't stop yourself from imagining what it might've been like to have been dating Qiu this whole time—if you'd made up, and if you'd stayed in Singapore...

The two of you stare at each other for a long time, the weight of those words pressing down on your chest.

Finally, Qiu breaks the silence. "So... you'll spend the day with me?"

You snort, blinking as the tension dissipates. "Yes, I will."

Qiu grins, immediately sitting up so she can reach over to grab her phone from the side table. "Excellent. I'll give my boss a call right now."

You brush your teeth, half-listening through the open door as she makes the necessary arrangements, impeccably formal and professional even at barely past-eight in the morning. When she's done, you've regained some semblance of composure.

CONTINUE

After washing up, you follow Qiu to the kitchen for breakfast.

She fixes you a cup of green tea, then some muesli, greek yoghurt, and fruit.

The two of you take your time to eat. Halfway through the meal, your gaze falls on an old, ratty-looking shoebox sitting on the kitchen counter. "What's that?"

Qiu scratches her temple self-consciously. "Oh. Photographs I kept."

"Damn." You're surprised and amused by this. Qiu's never really been the sentimental type, and you remember distinctly how she'd complain about the framed family photographs her parents would insist on taking at a professional studio every year, for displaying on one of the shelves in the living room. By contrast, you've watched Qiu throw out old trophies and notebooks and even gifts without batting an eyelid. "Can I see them?"

Qiu bites her lips, a slight blush once again creeping across her cheeks. "Uhh. Sure. I guess." Reluctantly, she gets up to fetch the box, then hands it over to you with a stern look. "You're not allowed to say anything snarky though, or else viewing privileges will be immediately revoked." 

You do your best to tamp down the shit-eating grin on your face. 

Tenderly, the two of you flick through the polaroids together, exchanging fond memories of the good times you'd spent together until that happiness had been robbed from you. Qiu had written dates and a short caption on each polaroid in black pen.

The first polaroid you pick up is of you and Qiu, grinning and holding up ice cream sandwiches by an old-school cart, the one that's always parked outside your school after lunch. Ice cream sandwiches—vanilla, chocolate or strawberry ice cream wedged between slices of white bread—had been a big part of your childhood. There aren't many carts left in Singapore now. "You were right," Qiu's handwriting reads. "Ice cream with bread doesn't taste as weird as it sounds."

Then there's the polaroid of the two of you grinning in the restaurant over the silver plate of freshly-caught steamed fish simmered in light gravy. This is marked with a simple '<3'.

There are other moments that you don't recall—a study session that had turned into watching a movie together on your living room couch, you had fallen asleep on Qiu's shoulder and she'd taken a shaky 'selfie' back before that had been a thing; a shot of your hands intertwined on a bus ride... Qiu, when prodded, is able to come up with a detailed recount of all those moments.

"Lawyer's memory," she says softly, though the look on her face tells you that you both know that's not the only reason.

Your heart aches. Qiu reaches for your hand, smiling at you with half-moon eyes of pure obsidian. "I still have my old polaroid camera, you know." She waves a hand at the old shoebox. "We could make more of these."

*if Qiu commit

You picture new polaroids featuring you and Qiu as adults.

*else

You're not quite sure what to say to this, especially since you haven't quite decided what to do with the feelings that have been rekindled.

"Oh Qiu," you say, voice cracking.

CONTINUE

After breakfast, while waiting for Qiu to finish stacking up the plates, you glance around her minimalist living room. Your attention is caught by a row of books on one of the shelves. You recognize titles that you'd studied for literature together.

Your gaze lingers on Age of Innocence, the book that you'd always found ironically parallel to your own relationship with Qiu. The protagonist, Archer Newland, had fallen in love with a divorced woman, Ellen Olenska—but had chosen in the end to marry the respectable, society-approved woman, May Welland instead. Decades later, Ellen remained in Archer's mind as the happiness he would never attain—sacrificed in favor of the life that society expected of him.

After the incident with Qiu's mother, the story had struck a chord. Just as Ellen had been the tragedy buried in Archer's heart and taken to Ellen's deathbed, you'd slowly resigned yourself to the fact that you and Qiu might be doomed to two separate, parallel trajectories, rather than a happy ending with each other.

You thumb through the book, reading the little handwritten scribbles you'd left for Qiu on the page margins. Silly things, mostly, but you'd also underlined a couple of quotes. You find a passage Qiu had highlighted, along with a small sad face in blue.

"They were close together and safe and shut in; yet so chained to their separate destinies that they might as well have been half the world apart."

Qiu, having noticed how quiet you'd gotten, stops packing and walks over to you. She stops by your shoulder. When she notices the book you're holding, her expression twists into something wry. "The number of times that book made me cry. You don't know how close I came to just throwing it away."

A brief pause, before Qiu adds, "I changed my mind, you know." You raise your gaze back to her, lifting an eyebrow. "Archer was a fool. He should've run away with Ellen."

Your eyes prickle. It feels like you're back in the classroom as your literature teacher drones on about metaphors and symbolic language. "What changed your mind?"

Qiu shakes her head. "Remember that line when Archer basically calls his future with May a prison? 'Days stretched out before him like an endless carpet,'" she recites. "He's staying and thinking of it as duty. He deserves better, but so does she."

Your throat tightens. Nothing reflects the passage of time more starkly than Qiu's differing response to the same book, separated by nearly a decade—you see in your mind's eye the Qiu you once knew, juxtaposed against the Qiu standing in front of you right now. A symbol of the relationship you once had, and the one that might still unfold, if you choose to let it.

CHOICE

• Shrug, agreeing with Qiu. I’d accepted Archer’s tragic refusal of his heart’s desires back then, but now, I’d choose differently. 

• Shake my head. “I think in the end, Archer would’ve resented Ellen for all the things he gave up to be with her.” 

• Nod. “I’ve always thought the sad ending in that book was completely pointless. If I were Archer, I’dve chosen Ellen a thousand times over.” 

• Smile wryly. “I used to think Archer should’ve given it a go, now I wonder if they would’ve been happy together.” 

#Shrug, agreeing with Qiu. I’d accepted Archer’s tragic refusal of his heart’s desires back then, but now, I’d choose differently. 

Back then, you’d felt helpless, as though every aspect of your circumstance was pushing you and Qiu apart. And you’d seen yourself in Archer—who’d felt so stuck, so incapable of finding a way out of the future that he felt so chained to, even when it was his happiness on the line. 

But you’re older now, and in some ways, more confident that there’s always a choice, a way out. 

You hold Qiu’s gaze, each buoyed by the other’s change in perspective.

#Shake my head. “I think in the end, Archer would’ve resented Ellen for all the things he gave up to be with her.” 

As much as Archer purports to be bored by his world, his society, his soon-to-be wife, you suspect that he’d be a shell of himself without them. Who would Archer be without the community that surrounds him if they had run away to a place where they knew no one? 

Perhaps you’re old now, and cynical, but you don’t think they would’ve been happy. After the initial excitement, things would settle into drudgery, and Archer would begin to regret giving up everything he’d ever known. 

Qiu stares at you, disappointment etched deep into her features. “Or, he might find happiness at last,” Qiu breathes. “He might be forever changed by the things he gains, rather than the things he loses.” 

You shrug, and the difference in opinions hangs thickly between you, unresolved. 

#Nod. “I’ve always thought the sad ending in that book was completely pointless. If I were Archer, I’dve chosen Ellen a thousand times over.” 

Back in junior college, you’d been moved by the tragedy of Archer and Ellen’s story. But whenever you thought hard about what you’d do if you’d been in Archer’s shoes, you’d come to the conclusion that you would choose to run away, to elope with Ellen. Perhaps you had too much of a modern sensibility, perhaps you’d always been a hopeless romantic—the type of person that would drop everything to chase happiness with someone you love. 

You’re older now, but that part of you hasn’t been lost. 

Not yet. 

Qiu stares at you, and nods. “I agree now.” She cracks a smile. “I no longer believe in self-imposed sad endings.” 

#Smile wryly. “I used to think Archer should’ve given it a go, now I wonder if they would’ve been happy together.” 

Back in junior college, you’d always come to the conclusion that if you were Archer, you would choose to run away, to elope with Ellen. 

Perhaps back then, you were still bold and young and optimistic, a hopeless romantic—the type of person that would drop everything to chase happiness with someone you love. A teenager. 

Now, you’re not so sure. You’re older, perhaps more cynical now. When you think hard about it, you don’t think Archer and Ellen would’ve been happy together in the long-term.

As much as Archer purports to be bored by his world, his society, his soon-to-be wife, you suspect that he’d be a shell of himself without them. Who would Archer be without the community that surrounds him if they had run away to a place where they knew no one? 

After the initial excitement, things would settle into drudgery, and Archer would begin to regret giving up everything he’d ever known. 

Qiu stares at you, disappointment etched deep into her features. “Or, he might find happiness at last,” Qiu breathes. “He might be forever changed by the things he gains, rather than the things he loses.” 

You shrug, and the difference in opinions hangs thickly between you, unresolved. 

…

CONTINUE

Qiu is quiet for a long moment, staring down at the book in your hands. When she finally speaks, her voice is soft. "I don't know what Archer and Ellen would think about each other ten years down the line. But if they gave it a go, at least they would know the answer to that question."

You meet her gaze, the book still grasped tightly in your hand. 

You know she’s talking about your relationship as much as she’s talking about Archer and Ellen’s. “Still, sometimes there are questions better left answered,” you murmur. The thought lingers with you all through the rest of the morning.