journal 11.14.24

it is november 14th

i sit at the altar having coffee. this incense smells of myrrh. three candles burn. the full moon is tomorrow. a year ago i was engaged.

i tried to cling a little more. clinging. grasping. actually last night i was speaking with tomas and he told me the etemology of the word manipulate comes from the Latin word manus, which means "hand” and also the Italian word manipulare, which means "to grip with the hands".

i wonder how much we manipulate ourselves by grasping what no longer works. kali helped me let go. it’s still happening. now she is challenging me to stand on my own feet. she sees through everything. she is the mother who does not put up with my games.

she sees and understands and coaxes the palm open. if you try to grasp too long, she is wrathful. surrender to that which is seeking freedom from the clutches of ego; to She who will tolerate no self-clinging, no egocentric fixation. she is never deceived.

kali is the Mother of the hands — of the heart. last night i went around our childhood home with my mother and we lit a bundle of herbs. she turned off the lights and we began the ritual in the dark. we went from room to room, the sage smoke billowing around us, filling empty space with the holy spirit.

in one, we paused and sat on the bed, side by side. there were mantras resonating through the shadowed space. i leaned my head on my Mother’s shoulder. her on mine. we took each others hands, warm and they fit together like a puzzle. we sat still with the deep chants, glass-like breath, and the plant spirit billowing around us, and there was bliss together, together. “the jewel is in the lotus” the chant said, over and over. the jewel is in the lotus. the jewel is in the lotus.

i sigh deeply. she mirrors me. we rise. she continues where i left off. it looks like a torch in her hand.

i’ve turned away from my mother many times. i could not handle looking straight at her. finally we are together. it feels like infinity.