Welcome To Eltingville Series Pilot Plot: Bring Me The Head Of Boba Fett

Continuing the rundown of the episode plots submitted for the proposed Welcome to Eltingville Adult Swim series.

The plot for the pilot was included in the episodes section of the series bible. It's very close to the finished episode, except for the "Skywalker Ranch" bit that was in the first act but was cut for time. My plan was to take the gag and expand it into an entire episode, with one of the Club members mailed off to Skywalker Ranch and successfully infiltrating it during a story conference for a terrible Star Wars project. The Ranch would be patrolled by security guards dressed as Stormtroopers, riding horses and whatever, but the Club member successfully manages to get inside the compound and take pictures. There's a case of mistaken identity and the Club member ends up included in an important project meeting where they start pushing their weird ideas on how to "save" Star Wars. Hijinks ensue, etc, blah blah blah. The whole place would be a weird mix of Star Wars and a cattle ranch, with secret labs to construct cyborgs so Lucas could replace actors and film crew members (and genetically engineer Tauntauns and Dewbacks and other monsters). I never decided who was going to be crated up and shipped to the Ranch, but it was between Bill and Josh.

Otherwise, the pilot plot reads pretty much the same as the final cartoon except for a few jokes and details that were dropped.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF BOBA FETT! (the Eltingville Pilot)

The story opens in the midst of a medieval forest, where Bill, Josh and Pete -- in full knight's regalia and with a retinue of gnome and elf assistants -- are on a quest to save a beautiful maiden from a horrible creature. They are commanded by a disembodied voice to make decisions as they proceed, but they continually make stupid choices that kill off their minions, and their petty bickering and name-calling quickly get them killed off one by one as well. The last knight, turned to stone, watches as a giant finger swoops down from the heavens, whacking him in the face and knocking him over.

We pull back to reveal the Eltingville Club sitting around a table strewn with role-playing equipment in Bill's basement, as Jerry topples a metal figurine of a knight. The role-players are pissy that Jerry killed their characters and they get into their first official fight of the series, which is interrupted when Bill's mother yells at them to keep it down.

Their enthusiasm for the game waning, the Club decides to start the evening's Eltingville Comic Book, Science-Fiction, Horror, Fantasy and Role-Playing Club meeting. Here we get to really know our little creeps better, and learn all about their mad schemes and agendas as each runs down what Club-related activities they've accomplished since the last meeting before the group goes over their Club projects.

Next is the "Acquisitions" segment of the meeting, where they all brag to one other about their recent and ridiculous fanboy purchases. One of Josh's additions to his collection is a mail-ordered, fan-made video tape entitled "Sexy Damsels of Sci-Fi/Horror Revealed vol. 17", a compilation of movie clips featuring nude or partially nude genre actresses. The Club conspiratorially plan to watch the tape when Mrs. Dickey goes to sleep.

In the meantime they discuss their "activist" projects (such as the Club's phony letter writing campaigns and Josh's "progress" in getting the Sci-Fi Channel to do an "AutoManimal and Machine" show) and present new ideas for their long-standing master plan to ship a member via UPS into George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch -- the consensus finally reached is that even if the mailee were immediately thrown out by security it would be worth it.

Dissension breaks out once again when Josh insists he should be the one shipped via UPS. The others argue his weight would cost them hundreds in postage and besides, he'd immediately eat all the rations and when they opened the crate they'd find a big fat, dead Tauntaun-smelling mess. Bill maintains he should go because it was his idea, everyone else claims it was their idea, and a fight breaks out that is only interrupted when Mrs. Dickey yells at Bill that she's going to bed and his friends better shut up if they want to stay.

Chastised, but with tempers still flaring, the group gets set to watch the video. Tension mounts when they have trouble with the VCR and tracking, and everything erupts again when it turns out Josh was ripped off and has been sent a bad dub of a foreign kids program. A defensive Josh chokes a taunting Bill, and they tumble into Bill's delicate Star Trek model collection, which leads Bill to flip out and punch Josh right in a massive zit, which bursts and blinds Jerry who stumbles into more of Bill's collection, trashing it. Mrs. Dickey freaks out on everyone, and the night ends with Bill and Josh vowing never to speak to one another again.

Is this the end of the Eltingville Club?

The next thing we see is the command deck of a Starship Enterprise-type spaceship, where an acne-free and masculine Captain Bill Dickey commands a giggly and go-go booted all-girl crew on a space mission to an asteroid (while using teleporters to beam comics and junk food up, and watching the Star Wars trilogy in surround sound on the vid screens).

Captain Dickey and his red-shirted retinue land on the crater-pocked asteroid and begin to explore -- when the asteroid surface suddenly begins to mysteriously shake and rumble as if alive. To Captain Dickey's horror, the craters erupt with thick, white fluid that engulfs the crew. Bill, about to go under, realizes just what they've landed on, and in horror screams. We pull back sharply to reveal that the asteroid is Josh's giant, pimpled face in space.

Awakening from the nightmare, Bill is convinced it was a sign that he should reconcile with Josh and keep the Club going. Besides, he wants to make sure he can get back the comics he lent old fatso the other week.

We cut to the Club during a typical day, following them around as time allows, making their rounds from toy store to fast food franchise as they attempt to procure more "stuff". Eventually they come to an impasse, as all four of them want to do something different, with Bill wanting to go to Joe's comic shop to look for a back issue. In time-honored Eltingville tradition, the foursome roll game dice to determine who gets to pick where they'll go. Bill rolls highest with his (secretly loaded) D&D dice, and they head for Joe's.

As they approach the shop (where we can see vultures circling overhead), we meet Ward Willoughby, who rushes out of Joe's furiously opening packs of trading cards and chewing gum. He is so happy to get a rare card he rushes into the street to show it to the Club, who watch as he gets clocked by a cop car that keeps on going. The Club, in a panic, rushes over to the dazed and injured Willoughby -- and promptly rifles through his cards. Upset that they don't need any of them, they kick Ward and head into Big Joe's, where we meet the oily shop owner and get a good sense of how he operates.

Everything stops suddenly when both Josh and Bill set their eyes on Joe's newest acquisition -- an original Kenner 12" Boba Fett figure, STILL IN THE BOX!!! Seeing it sparks an argument between Jerry and Pete over whether or not Boba Fett survived falling in the Sarlacc pit. But Josh and Bill don't even hear them, they both desperately want the Boba Fett, and when asked the price Big Joe's inner angel and devil both egg him on to jack up the price. He announces $250 and Bill and Josh both scream "I'LL TAKE IT" together.

Each rants to the other about why they need it, why they deserve it, and what they'd do for it, but neither side will give in. Finally, Josh calls for a TRIVIA-OFF...and the room goes quiet. The other kids can't believe it, and even Ward Willoughby perks up from his daze. A trivia-off.

Bill accepts, threats are made, the rules are laid out -- and for the next several hours, Josh and Bill hammer away at one another with an endless, unbelievable series of trivia questions about anything and everything Eltingville. It is an epic battle, part quiz show, part High Noon gunfight and part endurance test dance marathon. As it proceeds the combatants begin to break down into crazed, shaking, sweating trivia automatons, neither giving way as they answer "Jon Bon Jovi" to "What rock star played on the Star Wars Christmas album?" and "Honk" to "Name the alien sidekick from The Far-Out Space Nuts".

Voices are raised, fists are raised, bets are raised by Big Joe, until finally Josh makes a mistake and Bill wins. But Josh is adamant that he was not wrong, and rushes home to get proof, along with the $250 for Boba Fett. Bill rushes home for his $250. Both nearly kill themselves and others as they run through the streets like drooling madmen, toss their homes for money, and dash back to Joe's.

Neither of them could come up with all the cash, but each has a crazy deal in mind, involving checks, loose change and trading in back issues of comics. Josh and Bill both grab the Boba Fett, and in their titanic struggle they break it. The head snaps off and pops into the air, landing on Josh and bringing both of them onto the floor, scrabbling at the pieces like mad dogs. Joe breaks up the fight, and he tells Bill (holding Boba Fett's head), and Josh (holding Boba Fett's body, that they both broke it, they both own it, and they both gotta pay for it, even if it means working it off in the store. Josh desperately tries to buy Boba Fett's head from Bill, who storms off, vowing he'll keep it forever. Jerry and Pete agree that if Boba Fett wasn't dead before, he certainly is now.

IS THIS THE END OF THE ELTINGVILLE COMIC BOOK, SCIENCE-FICTION, FANTASY, HORROR AND ROLE PLAYING CLUB?!?