Explaining the Wait & Discussing Updates

Hey everyone, TastyAce here.  I hope you're doing well.  This is something I'm sharing across all platforms. I've scheduled this to go up early on Patreon; it will be cross-posted it to FA & Aryion asap (I'll probably be afk by the time this goes up at 8am but will be online as soon as I can).

I had some stuff go down this month that seriously delayed my progress on various things, so I wanted to discuss that in detail. I want to be open with y'all about and make sure we're on the same page.

As this is a bit of a long post, here's what I'm going to do. For those who just want the basic info, I'm going to leave a "Short Version" up here. If you want to read the complete details, skip to the "Long Version" further down.

Thanks for reading.

Short Version

CW starts here: Mentions of depression, mental health, and periods.

I recently got on a new medication to help my brain, and things went very wrong.  This treatment seriously messed up my head in various ways from the start of January onward. It made me depressed and extremely unfocused, rendered me barely able to work. and even removed me from the concept of time entirely at numerous points.  It was scary, confusing, and bizarre.

At first I figured this was because of my PMDD, then my period proper. But I kept struggling even when those had passed. As I thought this was an anomaly that would be rectified in time, I continued my normal activities and didn't think anything of it, until I recently realized that I was so mentally unstable that I could not get work done.

By the time I was able to truly get a grip and start to understand what was going on/why this was happening, the end of the month was near.  I still completed a few projects despite all this, and planned out a few things for the future as well. But I didn't get nearly as many things done as I would have liked.

CW ends here.

Here is the plan going forward:

1. I am taking this week to focus on my health and find a solution with my doctor asap. I've already been doing that, but I want to see if we can speed up the process and get things moving.

2. Because of that, there will be no public stories this week.  There will still be a Patreon Exclusive.

3. I am not opening public commission slots right now.  I want to focus on the work I already have and the work I will be getting on Patreon.  Speaking of which. . .

4. Patreon commissions are still fine; as they're shorter, they'll be easier to manage, which will be good.

To those on the writing queue, I'm sorry for the longer-than-usual wait.  I am trying to return back to normal and am working to get to a better place soon.  My work for you will be completed as soon as I can get to it.

Thank you for reading.  Stay safe out there.

Long Version

CW: Discussion of depression, mental breaks, mental/physical health problems, and periods.

So, backstory first: I take various medications to help my brain function normally.  One of those  pills ("Med A") is supposed to act as a "balancer" for the rest, but it ended up eventually giving me some pretty bad mental side effects and physical problems, affecting certain daily tasks (not writing-related) in a negative way.

Therefore, I've been working with my doctor to find a new "balancer", and it's been a long process.  He wanted to ease me off of Med A instead of making me go cold turkey, as the latter could have negative outcomes.  Once I was weened off of Med A, my doctor offered a different solution, Med B, to see if that could act as a new balancer; it wasn't good for me, so I was recently given Med C instead.

For a while it seemed to be working well, and I entered the new year feeling quite revived and full of hope.  But then . . . things got weird.

As January started, I found myself completely unable to focus on various tasks, and would lose track of time very easily.  I would sit down to get a thing done, struggle to even start, think it had been 30 minutes or so, then would glance at the clock and see it had been FIVE HOURS.  I went multiple days where I would go do various things with the sun up, then glance out the window to see that it was nighttime.

Naturally this was confusing and scary.  This went on for days, and I was convinced that I was losing it; it literally felt like my grip on reality was slipping.  But then . . . my period started.  

You may be wondering, "Huh?  Why does that matter?"  Well, it's because that as an AFAB trans dude, I've had the fucked-up mutation of PMS called PMDD ("Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder"; here's a Wikipedia article with more info) ever since puberty, so the week before my period has always been A Special Type Of Hell.  Years ago, when I wasn't on antidepressants yet, it would make me intensely suicidal during the seven-ish days before the blood flow would begin.  But after I started taking meds, my PMDD would take on different (and usually less severe) forms as I worked with my doctor to find the right pills for my bad brain.  Thus, I thought that perhaps what had occurred was just another weird form of my PMDD b/c of my body adjusting to the new meds.  Therefore, I thought that now that my period had begun, the worst was behind me.

. . . But unfortunately, it was not. I continued to struggle with work and barely had any coherence of the passing of time. I revised my theory and figured that perhaps this would all be over after my period ended. Once again, I was wrong.

Despite my best efforts, I could barely accomplish anything.  There were short, fleeting periods where I was able to find my focus, and I used that time to complete everything I could (mainly a longer commission, and the two games I put out this month). When these things happened, it looked like sign that I was going to improve.  But pretty soon, my brain would go back to being unfocused and out of sorts.

By this time January was almost over, and I was starting to finally realize that this was not going away. I had spent blurry weeks thinking this would fade and was looking forward to getting back to normal. But "normal" just kept getting more distant, and in addition to everything, I began to have a resurgence of depressed thoughts as well.

If I had known this whole thing was going to go on for this long, I would have made a post about this whole thing much earlier. But I genuinely thought this was an anomaly that would soon pass, so I tried to push through, and continued normal activities as well as I could during this period. I truly believed that I'd soon return to regular reality and this strange event would end. Once again, I was wrong.

In addition to this, my slipping grasp on the passing of time really bit me in the ass.  I would try to push on as normal, pursue/discuss work with clients, plan things for future projects, etc, feeling like not much time had really passed at all.  Then I would check my calendar and realize it had been days, now weeks.

So, yeah.  Fuck.

CW ends here.

So what is going to happen next?  Well, here's what I plan to do.

1. I will take this first week (as January transitions to February) off, focusing on my health first and foremost, and working with my doctor to see if we can find solution asap.  I've already been in contact with him of course, but I want to see if we can get things going at a quicker pace, because I truly cannot function properly like this.  Obviously I will keep you all posted as things go on.  

2. As I am taking the week off, I'm going to try and take more time on myself to find solutions/coping strategies/etc, and plan next steps with my doctor.  Therefore I will not post any public stories for the rest of this week--I know I haven't done that in quite a while, but I do really need to step away for a bit.  That being said, I will still be making a Patreon Exclusive for Friday.  I am planning to get fully back into the groove next week; that would be the best-case scenario.

3. I will not be opening public commission slots until I am doing better.  I am not in a state where I can/should take on new & longer work; I want to focus on the people already waiting in the writing queue and finish their stories asap.  And of course I want to tackle all upcoming Patreon commissions in a timely manner.  Speaking of which. . .

4. Patreon commissions are still fine, and I will try to focus on those first.  These stories are shorter and easier to manage, which means I can get them done, even with everything going on.  So I will turn my focus to those when I return next week.

That about covers it.

I know some of you have been waiting a bit for your story commission, and I deeply apologize for the longer-than-usual turnaround time. Please be rest assured that I have not forgotten those of you in the writing queue. I'm sorry things are taking longer than normal. I wish this had not happened; the way this whole thing has unfolded has left me frustrated, stunned, and confused. But I am trying to get to a better place, and hope to be there soon.

Thank you for reading.  Stay safe out there.