Nerding Day: Ranking Every Song On The Mortal Kombat Album Other Than Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)🌭

In three thousand years, there will be exactly two songs from the 20th century that will be remembered: "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot and "Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)" by the Immortals. Both inspired the world in their own ways. One taught us that it was difficult to lie about preferring a larger butt. The other taught us the names of all seven fighters in the arcade smash hit Mortal Kombat. It’s a song that transcended genre, going from a song created to promote the game into a song that was in the movie based on the game.

If you’re unfamiliar, "Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)" involves a man yelling the words “Mortal Kombat” very loud and then, as you’d expect, a techno song. The rest of the tune is intense music punctuated by the announcer from the arcade game saying the names of the characters, but if you’ve heard it once, you can already hear it in your head. If you haven’t heard it once, just imagine the worst of 1990s Europop got into a choreographed bar fight and you’re pretty much there. It was a hit amongst us kids and, I assume, rode the billboard chart for years. Actually, I think it really did make the billboard charts which is weird as hell.

While "Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)" was initially released as a single, it was conceptualized as part of a full album based on the game that was released later. This album, also by Belgian supergroup The Immortals, was advertised along with the game and features nine more songs. Seven are about the fighters you can choose, one is about Goro, the penultimate boss, and the final one is a quasi-remix of "Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)".

Unlike other video game albums such as Killer Instinct's Killer Cuts, this wasn’t a soundtrack. It was all new music inspired by the game! Or, at least, new music inspired by bits of information written on loose sheets of paper that were handed to the musicians in a language they didn’t understand. I think their main directive was “mention every fighter” and “make sure the songs don’t sound too different from one another.”

That said, it would be a shame to lose the other songs on the Mortal Kombat album to the fame of "Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)". That’s why, to help you save time, I’ve ranked every song on the Mortal Kombat album except "Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)". Please remember, art is a subjective experience and my opinions on this song ranking may not reflect your own or that of your family and friends.

9. "Hypnotic House (Mortal Kombat)"

Unfortunately, "Hypnotic House (Mortal Kombat)" is like the annoying little brother to "Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)". They both basically sound the same and, again, there are no lyrics outside of the characters’ names. While I’m sure there is a lot to do with naming all seven Mortal Kombat characters, this song sticks to its roots a little too hard. At its best, "Hypnotic House (Mortal Kombat)" tries to be a slightly smoother, less head-banging version of "Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)". At its worst, this song represents an odd omission: Every other song is based on a character in the game. And every character except Shang Tsung has one. So, where’s our Shang Tsung song to sing, sirs? They’re not talking.

8. "Kano (Use Your Might)"

I’ll give "Kano (Use Your Might)" one thing: It tries pretty hard! It sounds like a DDR song that only the worst people play. It sounds like a level in a 3D fighting game with no personality. It sounds like music from where the less cool vampires would go for a party in Blade. It’s just loud ‘90s techno with no heart. Which I guess is why Kano always needs to rip one out of people! That’s our show, folks!

At the very least, we get the announcer voice giving us a little juice with “Kano wins” so we at least know who this song is about. That said, there are again almost no words in this song. And the lyrics we do get are what I’d call “draft zero.” For example:

Use your might! Kano, fight!

The world is at your feet

Fight! Use your might!

I'm on your side

Why are we on Kano’s side? He’s a bad guy!

Also, I went about five minutes listening to this song before I realized it was on loop. That tells you something about how memorable it is, top to bottom.

7. "Liu Kang (Born In China)"

Don’t worry if the title of this song makes you uncomfortable, because the song itself will also make you uncomfortable! And good news: It’s just one of two songs on this album to specifically mention a character is from China! But at least it also includes the same explanation of Liu Kang that I would’ve said to my first grade teacher when the game came out:

Born in China

Liu Kang

Shaolin monk

The youngest, but also the fastest warrior in the tournament

It’s just so generic, even compared to the other generic songs. I’m all for weird, drawn-out explanations of characters in lyric form! Give it to me! Pour it down my fucking throat like molten gold! But god the music here feels like a sample track from a “How To Make Music” program you bought in a Humble Bundle and never plan on actually using.

The only thing saving it is using actual Liu Kang sound effects from the game as part of the beat. That’s actually nice. I can admit that.

6. "Goro (The Outworld Prince)"

Now here’s a song that starts with a little more pizazz! Right off the bat, we get a deep voice telling us some background on Goro. Whether or not you know a lot about Goro - and I bet you know lots! - it’s always good to get a refresher on one of the most famous characters in the series. Maybe you haven’t played one of the older games in a while! Maybe you just never looked up the lore of a fighting game because you don’t care.

2000 years ago

A man-beast was born

On a distant planet

They named him Goro

8 feet tall with four arms of terror

This Outworld Prince, half human, half dragon

Was trained to fight, to conquer, to rule

Whoa, right? That’s as cool as you can get in my book. Half human, half dragon, and trained in multiple subjects! So why is it not ranked higher? Because that’s about all there is to the song! It also has the vibe of the beginning of a Super Nintendo JRPG where they do a giant exposition dump about the end of the world or something. This would normally be cool, but the rest of the lyrics are just someone saying “Goro” at irregular intervals. It almost becomes a musical jump scare.

5. "Scorpion (Lost Soul Bent On Revenge)"

When this album was made, I don’t think anyone knew that Scorpion would be a breakout character. Then again, with only seven people to choose from, I feel like they all became breakout characters? It’s not really a big ensemble cast in this musical.

Scorpion’s song gets points for sounding different than most of the others. At least at first. It begins with something of a jungle-y theme - almost evoking the Living Forest level in Mortal Kombat II. This is almost immediately dropped, so don’t get too excited. But it’s still awesome for while it lasts, much like life, man. There isn’t a lot of “exploring the space” going on in this album, so any difference is welcome.

Unfortunately, where Scorpion’s song loses points is its lyrics. The entire thing is literally the words “Scorpion, lost soul bent on revenge” and then the “Come here!” and “Get over here!” sounds from the game. I’ll be honest: If hearing those sounds weren’t like rubbing my dying stomach with a warm glove, this song could’ve ranked even worse on the list. But it’s different enough and entertaining enough to eke up a few spots.

It is weird that they don’t mention Scorpion’s spear at all. Like I said, we do hear him shout “Get over here.” But, really, that’s… I mean the spear is a big part, folks! Why are we leaving out the obvious stuff here?

4. "Sub-Zero (Chinese Ninja Warrior)"

Alright, I know, I know, another song that mentions the character being from China. Back in the day, racism also meant that people from other countries were like aliens in Star Trek with their own specialties. In fact, for a couple decades, the entire fighting game genre was built on this belief system. It’s possible part of the reason we’re in this mess we are today is because we really hit home that being from a specific country led to specific ethnicity-specific abilities.

Not important! The Sub-Zero song is pretty neat. It kicks off with a militant beat that at least vaguely lines up with the character’s backstory being a ninja assassin antihero. This song’s lyrics are also ridiculous, but at least they’re kind of funny? While the previous entries on this list tended to just describe the character, this song also does that, but it sounds like a Lonely Island song making fun of them. Take this slick verse:

Ooh, Chinese ninja warrior

With your heart so cold, Sub-Zero

Ooh, your life is a mystery

Warrior with a mask, Sub-Zero

Wait. It gets better. Throughout the song, a woman screams “Yeah, yeah, freezing vibrations” in the exact tone and syllabic structure of the chorus in the song “Good Vibrations.” At first I hated it, but then I realized that it launches this song into absurdity. It’s one of the first songs to break me, and I respect it for that.

3. "Johnny Cage (Prepare Yourself)"

This is the first track on the album, and I can see why. It’s uplifting, sounding a little like that song asking everybody to dance now, "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)". It’s more fun than most of the other tracks. Maybe they wrote this one first, before all the gas was out of the tank. Whatever the case, this song makes me happy and, like Sub-Zero, has some of the dumbest lyrics on the album. Which, I want to reiterate, is saying something.

The song has three primary thematic elements: Johnny Cage is a movie star, Johnny Cage is not afraid to die, Johnny Cage needs to prepare himself. Seriously, we hear these facts mentioned quite a lot throughout the song. But we learn so much about Johnny here! For example, did you know this fun fact as explained in the song?

From the United States of America

The movie star with the iron fist

He's 29, he's mean, he's in great shape

The one and only Johnny Cage

The fact that he’s 29 kind of bums me out considering I’m a decade older than him and I still haven’t killed anybody or starred as the lead role in a movie. But this song really brings out the full Eurotrash pop background of the album. You can hear those thick Belgian accents as they talk about Johnny Cage being from America and being too cool. It was that way that people actually used to see our country, which was awesome while it lasted.

Did I mention that they say that Johnny Cage has “the shadow kick we all admire”? No? Well, that’s why it’s third.

2. "Sonya (Go Go Go)"

Sonya’s theme is probably the most normal song on the album outside of "Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)". That isn’t saying much, I know. It’s like choosing the most normal character in Street Sharks. But at least it feels like an actual song that an actual club could play, even if by mistake.

What’s the secret behind the success of "Sonya (Go Go Go)"? It has a normal beat at a normal tempo and, thank god, some actual lyrics that go beyond just describing the character. Although, fortunately, we still have that too:

I'm the coolest chick in the USA

I'm 26 and on my way to become the best

And that's a fact

I wanna win the contest and forget the rest

That’s another reason I love this song. It’s the only one from the first person! Rather than singing about the character, the artists are embodying her! And thank God, because she’s got a lot to say about her process.

I'm Sonya Blade, so be prepared

I'll knock you right out of the air

I'm left, right, up and down

The quickest foot sweep in this town

I control the air, don't you dare

To attack me: I'm everywhere!

Don't try to fool me, don't forget

I can kill you with my kiss of death

Let’s be real with each other: That’s a solid summarization of Sonya Blade’s abilities in the game outside of shooting those pink rings from her hands. This song, of all of them - including the number one - does the best work telling us who this person is. Plus, she’s the only woman in the game, so you get the sense that the musicians actually could try something slightly different. That “slightly” is doing a lot of heavy lifting.

This is the song that could end up on a playlist and me unironically enjoying it. If released today, it would probably be described as “woke” by people online.

1. "Rayden (Eternal Life)"

Here we are! Number one! It doesn’t have the best beat, but it does have the absolute best lyrics. I don’t just mean in the album. I mean of any song ever written. "Rayden (Eternal Life)" is a hall-of-famer. And of all the qualities that Rayden possesses, the one thing The Immortals really want you to focus on is that he is, in fact, immortal.

We all know he's not afraid 'cause Rayden cannot die

He lives up in the thunderclouds; he comes down from the sky

Like the Sonya song, it’s nice that the musicians seem to know who this character is and some of his moves in the game. But these descriptions are far stupider, far sillier, far more goofy than anything that came before. It’s all the detail I’ve wanted for the whole album, but with the same “first draft, no notes” energy. I mean, have the Beatles ever come up with lines this good?

The kombat king, the best of the best

Just look at Rayden, he cannot rest

Our champ, solid as a rock

He gives his opponent a state of shock

With power, electricity, he disappears

No, you cannot see him move, 'cause Rayden flies

The Superman with eternal life

That’s poetry. That’s everything we really need to know about Rayden (later Raiden, but who fucking cares?). He does lightning. He cannot die. This song is just so stupid. Listening to it again has changed me as a man. It should be used in science experiments.

And it’s the best song on this album that’s not "Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat)."

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