Socialisation by Prescription.

I threw a dinner party recently. Lately, I've been prescribing myself socialisation like one would prescribe medication. I have little natural inclination to participate but I realise that self-imposed isolation has hampered my mental health so I'm no longer focused on meeting people I like, so long as I just continue to meet people. I know that connection and acceptance probably have more emotional value than just exposure but we'll get to that when I am emotionally able to do so, for now, I'm sticking with exposure. I can handle a dinner party because I love to cook and the logistics and nature of hosting are technical and role-based enough for me to not be too concerned by how I am behaving as a person. The social aspects of it are a little bit harder. They were easier when I was completely oblivious to other people's perception of me, that oblivion served me well for thirty-years.

It's easier to explain if I use my eye-sight as an example. I have shit eyesight but for years I didn't wear prescription glasses, in part, because it made me feel like if I couldn't see people, they couldn't see me either. A delusion, of course, but one that made the world more comfortable for me. Similarly, for the first thirty years of my life, I believed that if I was really clear about what I was saying and I took whatever everyone else says at face-value (and with the presumption that it is true), I would always be able to clearly communicate with everyone. I always said what I truly thought, responded to exactly what was said and never really wondered about the inferences people drew from my words or behaviour because why would that be required if we were all being clear? A delusion, of course, but it made the world more comfortable for me. However, for the last three years, I have learnt that people operate less out of what I say and more out of their perception of me but I still am usually unable to figure out what the perception is and how they are coming to it so I just feel lost and confused in most social settings, all the time.

During this party, a man said something to me that confused me. He asked me if I had cooked all the food myself and when I confirmed that for him, he started to grill me about it, asking whether I wanted to disclaim that statement or come clean about the truth. After engaging for a bit, because I thought I was misunderstanding him, I walked away from the conversation because it was clear that he was trying to say that he didn't believe I cooked all the food and that I should admit that I was lying about it. I understood that much but I have absolutely no idea why he would doubt me or need me to admit I was lying. I brought the question to my people committee—my kid, my spouse, my mother and a friend—because when I am confused, they are usually able to provide some context around it. The consensus is that because I am "modern-presenting" people around me don't believe I can do *traditional* things like cooking food and because the men in our neighborhood are not accustomed to successful, confident working women who feel more like competition than subjects, they will take any opportunity to take me down a peg.

Take me down a peg.

Strangely, this is a sentiment I have elicited in people before. I think I understand some of it. I think, in order to feel comfortable in the world, people need to feel secure and some people, have an internal locus of security so when they do face insecurities, feeling better is more a matter of self-acceptance and being okay with being insecure than anything else. While, others, may have a more external locus of security and in order to face their own insecurities, they need to make other people be less-than them in some way. I had a friend who used the size of her waist to do this. When she met people who made her feel insecure about herself (sometimes because they were smarter or more successful), she focused on how they she was thinner than them and that made her feel better. If they were, in fact, slimmer than her, she would either avoid them altogether or become quite malicious in her approach to them. She'd nitpick their behaviour, looking for a spelling error or a book that hadn't read (which she had), until she found some way to convince herself either that she was better than them or that they weren't as great as *they* thought.

This is something a lot of insecure people do. They project onto you an arrogance about things they feel threatened by in you and make it so that simply living your life is somehow you displaying it to them. Trying to send a message to which you, yourself, may be oblivious. I once told a guy that I find visual content overstimulating so I prefer to read my entertainment and he responded by telling me that I just needed to show people that I am *oh-so-smart* and intellectual. I had no idea that is what I was saying, I just find the colours and sounds of television, a bit too much. A friend once told me that I use "big words" on purpose to make other people feel stupid, but really, I just have a bit of an obsession with finding the most accurate word to describe something. I had no idea I could make someone feel stupid by how I speak. Once, at a conference, I was talking to the presenter about their material and we came up with an idea, together, about something we could pursue. Later, my boss came and told me I didn't have to always make sure everyone knew I was the smartest person in the room. I don't think that and that's not what was happening, I was merely excited by the ideas that had been presented.

And, *I know*, one should not focus on what other people think of them if they wish to be happy, but here's the catch in that aphorism, it's not just words, people's behaviour towards you depends on how they feel about you and if they feel insecure (or any of the other things I mentioned above), they don't treat you so well. If I invite a bunch of people to my house, cook a meal and serve them, and somehow, that means I am trying to show that I am better than them, then their dislike for me has been determined, not by my behaviour, but by their perception, and the consequence of that dislike, is still how it makes me feel. I am confused and hurt. Maybe that makes me silly or overly concerned with the world, but I've tried isolation as a response and it just made me depressed. Besides, this is not just a problem I have with strangers. For years, the people I thought were my closest friends were viewing me the same way, they were taking apart every word I said and dessucating that with their own insecurities and treating me terribly because of how I made them feel. It broke me, completely. It made it impossible for me to be comfortable with the world.

I know that the adage tells you that no one is thinking about you as much as you are, but the truth is, I wasn't really thinking about myself at all. Not in these terms. Until I started paying attention to what people really talk about and for the most part, most people I know, talk about other people. Whether they call it gossip or not is irrelevant, it's mostly a deep dive into every single word and action of another person and how it's somehow sending a personalised message to *them*. Even people who spend all their time touting how deeply ethical they are, spend the rest of their time doing this and that makes it impossible for me to hope for connections and acceptance anymore. I cannot change who I am, and I will not, but for a while now, I have been gutted by every social interaction because I am no longer trying to enjoy my engagement with the world, I am just left wondering what they are perceiving and how that relates to how I am being treated.

It's lonely. It makes me prefer to be alone or surrounded by the three people I know how to interpret. When I am with people, it makes me afraid, and I ask weird questions so I can interpret their behaviour better and I feel the need to check in with people I know about the things I am saying and how they are being interpreted. It is tedious to live in this world, but I know that isolation is not the answer, so I prescribe myself socialisation. I take myself to cafes, invite people to my house, go to PTA meetings and make idle conversation in waiting rooms. I just wish it didn't always end in someone feeling like they need to take me down a peg.