Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 155

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 155

…

Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

…

The sun was shining.

The birds were singing.

The wind was pleasant.

And, then, finally the Empire was killing itself.

What a good day to be me.

“Hachiman, please stop looking so pleased. The Kindred are having trouble controlling themselves. The contrast is too much.” Ur sighed and kept close to me, while I kept near the helm. I suppose, technically, this was my gap moe moment. Normally, just the idea would ruin my mood and bring me back to normal. However, such wasn’t the case today. I was just too darn pleased. A sigh left my Amazon guard’s lips. “Okay, we’re going back in your room.”

And, miss out on seeing Empire soldiers and knights killing each other!?

“Fine, fine! I’ll stop. Jeez.” I let go of my joy reluctantly. The sensation of butterflies in my stomach faded as soon as I stopped trying to hold onto it. Such was the fickle nature of joy and happiness. Next time, I won’t let it escape so easily. I looked towards the Kindred captaining the ship, ignored the puddle beneath her, and addressed her directly. “How are we doing on time?”

I also ignored the moan that left the captain.

Switching back to being stern from cute also got them off, apparently.

I didn’t know why I surprised, since Kindred got off on anything.

“We are making good time, my lord. We will be arriving in a few minutes. We have already received reports from our picket element and they have begun disrupting the battle in favor of the force under the Emperor’s colors.”

I nodded and took in the news carefully.

Our picket forces were the ships of the Great Desert. They were wicker ships made to transport people around the Desert. They were armed with a single, magical ballista on the prow that had the elevation to shoot downward. However, to protect their underbelly, they had to be relatively high up and keep moving, so they were useful disrupters and not much else. I couldn’t count on them for area bombardment, let alone cutting off an entire army.

The Wyverns and Harpies couldn’t fly faster than my larger warships without getting tired, so that left me with one option.

Cellphone-lite and long range bombardment.

“Hey, you. Time to earn your keep.” I looked over my shoulder and Cellphone-lite perked up from sitting still and powering the ship. One of the Vampire Amazons came forward to replace her, just as she got up from the chair. The ship barely slowed down, before it regained its speed with the quick replacement. “We’re launching an alpha strike and you’re going to be the spotter. Fly hard, fly fast, and get the missiles between our rescue target and the armies gunning for him.”

“!” I’d asked Lisette on how to command Dragons, since I was more used to fighting them off. Surprisingly, despite our rocky relationship, she was willing to help me out. She told me that it was important that I address Cellphone-lite by her name, but I forgot a while ago, so that was out of the question. So, I relied on the other piece of advice, which was giving her hard tasks to fulfill and rewarding her properly if she succeeded. Sounded like training a dog more than a dragon, but I kept that to myself. I didn’t want to find out another powerful Kindred archetype were secretly submissive the entire time. “Really!?”

“Yes, really. And, it’s dangerous enough to warrant the hazard pay I promised, since you’re going in alone and staying there until we get there.” Impossible odds, miniscule chance of success, but renown and treasure in abundance at the end. That was the way Dragons liked it, according to the Royal Guard Captain. “Hell, I’ll throw in a medal and an award ceremony, and give it to you even if you die doing your job. I’ll only make a statue if you die a second time, though.”

If my earlier proposal excited the Dragon, the additions of the public award ceremony was enough to get her buzzing in place.

“Then, what are we all waiting for! Fire the missiles! I’ll get there!” Without so much as another word, Cellphone-lite headed for the railing and leapt into the sky. A second later she was bounding forward into the air ahead of the ships. The yell she aimed my way barely reached me as she sped off. “You better not be lying!”

She didn’t wait for my answer, so I didn’t bother mounting a defense.

“Launch all our readied missiles. Link them with her, so she can guide them in.” One of the benefits of having our missiles based off Undead Chimera was that they were technically Familiars. They could loiter and wait, but more importantly they could follow in a proficient spellcaster with sufficient combat experience like Cellphone-lite, Henri, Kurama, and A’Bel. It was a position that took skill, but the advantages were obvious. Incredible firepower at once, without exposing my mages to counter-artillery fire. “And, ahead full. Even if she’s happy to die, we won’t let her. It’s too expensive to bring back a Dragon.”

A few people chuckled at my words, but Ur elbowed me in the ribs at my words.

It was true, though!

As I nursed my side, the middle of both my ships opened up in concert with the help of signaling officers communicating my orders on the side. I didn’t even have to come up with that, since they already used signaling to converse between ships in this world. The shipping magnates I was in contact with were interested in the concept of Morse Code for their night messaging, since they already used lanterns at night.

But that’ll be for later.

For now, I simply watched at my attack sped into the air to strike at an enemy I couldn’t see.

Man, it felt really good to finally see the fruits of my labor.

An easy revenge is the best.

…

The alpha strike was more effective than I expected.

By the time my two ships arrived on the scene, Harpies and Wyverns ready to descend under covering fire from their starboard batteries, the wicker ships I had at my disposal were chasing away the enemy. Their prow guns fired downward, creating great gouts of earth upon impact, which fell onto the raging firestorm that split the Emperor’s division and those that pursued him.

Cellphone-lite did her job perfectly, blocking the pursuing force with just the right amount of firepower, and then using the rest of the munitions to break their will. Judging by how the flames swelled up and linked together, she used her knowledge of fire to her advantage, and aimed the munitions to create a firestorm. With a bit more wind, my ships wouldn’t be able to enter or fire into it, but she took that account and tended to the flames, probably with the same magic all Dragons used to not have their flame stick around.

Man, I paid a hefty sum for her to do her job, but it was worth it!

Two Empire forces shattered and burning, being hunted down by the fastest elements of my military, and with nearly no casualties on my end.

But, while the results were good, I was still disappointed.

“Dammit, I sent off too many shots their way. They’re already retreating.” My ships began to descend after my Wyverns and Harpies signaled that they secured the area. One was going to land, but another was going to establish the perimeter by bombarding the retreating enemies opportunistically. I wanted to stay aloft and do that, but Roseanne probably wanted me to take the situation seriously. “Ur, has Henri picked up?”

“I am ready and waiting, my lord.” Henri replied and I turned around, as the ship landed, and the gangplank was laid out. I’d asked the Lich to stay back and make sure nothing was wrong with my laborers. The ones here were the ones that were confirmed to be working properly. Able to think, act, and eventually evolve into higher forms of Undead. So, she was looking through a pair of mirrors via magic to advise me. “Please, intimidate the enemy as you usually do, I will play the part of a diplomat.”

“Easy enough.” I waited for a bit for the guards and soldiers to make my arrival presentable. We didn’t go as far as to have a carpet for my arrival, but having a battalion arrive from the sky was a pretty good declaration as any. The burning remains of the army pursuing them was a nice background too. So, I supposed that having a carpet laid out would’ve just been overkill. The setting was good enough. “Alright, as for everyone else: just focus on keeping me alive.”

A chorus of affirmations arose at my request, as I descended to meet with the Emperor of the Empire.

An inferno at his back, a fleet above him, and a fresh army of Kindred elite in front of his ragged division.

I really hoped that they guy was shitting himself just a little.

…

You only know true despair, after knowing true joy.

Or, rather in this case, my blissful day was ruined and got turned into the absolute worst day.

“Are you serious!? This kid’s the Emperor!?” I pointed at the runt in front of me. He had the kingly features I expected. Straight nose, blue eyes, and blonde hair. Clad mostly in blue and gray. Yeah, he could definitely pass off as a girl and spawn a multi-billion yen franchise. “I wanted to give an old man a heart attack!”

“I see that you’re as vile as your reputation suggests, Hikigaya Hachiman.” The brat glared up at me. He barely reached up my sternum, but I almost took a step back at his glare. He had the imperial authority thing down pat, but I gained some resistance after interacting with my fair share of bigshots. Actually, was it still resistance if its 99.99% effective? “Take me to—

“Oh, quiet before I tell Roseanne I failed for the first time and found you all dead instead of rescuing you.” I waved the kid off. To his credit, even though he stiffened up, he didn’t let the fear leak out. He shivered a bit, but that was that. He had a spine. “Which one of the Emperor’s dozen kids are you again?”

I waved to Henri as she signed off.

I noticed one of the kid’s officers, an older man who looked out of place in his armor, growing angry with me.

I gave him the finger and kept looking down at the kid.

“…I am the third son of the Emperor Rigalis the Fifth.”

“Lame name. How’d he die? On the toilet trying to shit?”

That earned me another glare from the kid, but I just moved the rude gesture that I was pointing his advisor’s way and aimed it at the hip towards the kid. That’s just going to stay held at my hip for a while, in the corner of your vision, while we talk. Actually, you know what’ll make this better?

“Get me a chair. Just for me. I think this’ll take a while.”

“Yes, my lord.”

I’ll take a seat, while I’m doing this.

“You dare!?”

“Thane! Stop!”

“Nice, you stopped your advisor from dying, congrats.” I took a seat, while the sudden shift in the situation stopped. The kid’s advisor had moved forward to storm towards me, which elicited a response from the Kunoichi in his shadow. A knife was cutting into his neck. Not Kindred Silver designed to cause lust, either. Enchanted steel that cut through his gorget with ease. The rest of his assembled guard was frozen in place, as they noticed the blood, and then I Kindred’s weapon. That’s right. None of my people are here to try and take any of you alive. “Alright, I’m ready to listen to your sob story… after you tell me how your asshole of a father died.”

The kid gritted his teeth and his hands clenched hard enough for the steel gauntlets he used to strain.

He could kill me by just getting one hand around my neck.

But both of us knew that didn’t matter.

“My father died a terrible death. He went forth to confront the horror from beyond the stars that you brought upon our lands.” Dang, I was going for area denial, but ended up killing a monarch. I suppose this was why people of influence didn’t fight on the front lines anymore. “She supped upon him and his retinue, then cursed us through his mind, body, and spirit. Many of my brothers and sisters have gone insane. They have gone to their allies in their madness and sworn to be the true heirs of the Empire, while other claimants are liars. Your weapon… has shattered our imperial sphere and threatens to have us all kill each other in murderous frenzy!”

The kid looked at me, searched for any ounce of horror at his tale, and I just continued to lounge with one hand against my fist.

He’ll find nothing, besides dissatisfaction at not seeing that for myself.

“Mhmm, I’ve got a few more of those on the way, but I suppose I’ll just keep them on hand since the first one’s still working.” I gave a grunt, before looking over the kid again. I idly scanned him with magic… and couldn’t help but smirk at what I found over his heart. “Did you tell your retinue that you managed to hold on against the madness by sheer will? Or did you tell them the truth that the Kindred that killed your father just wants to fuck you?”

My accusation had a few people draw sharp breaths, but some just went stiff at the news.

I couldn’t help but laugh, as I figured out his plan.

“You… you came here to threaten using that Kindred back against us! Your leverage to get the right to rule the Empire is that you’ve been marked as a boy toy!” Hilarious. I never thought I’d ever laugh this hard. It was difficult to speak, but I managed between wheezes of laughter. Tears were coming out of my eyes, since I was laughing so hard. I almost forgot to keep my middle finger up at the stupid brat. After a few more seconds, I managed to regain control. “Do you seriously believe I’d send a weapon at the Empire that I couldn’t beat myself?”

Those words made the kid’s mouth open and close like a fish… but just as I was about to ask for more a horn blared from the ship above.

Once.

Incoming allies.

Damn, Roseanne decided to come to ruin my fun.

Still, I had some time to make a point.

“A’Bel.”