Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 150

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 150

…

Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

…

“Ur.”

“Yes, my chieftain?”

“Are they still out there?”

“Yes, all the petitioners to have your children are still out there.”

“Ur?”

“No, I won’t help you fake your death.”

“Some bodyguard you turned out to be!”

I gripped and groaned, before chancing a glance outside the castle, while strategically using the balcony to obscure the sightline between me and most of my citizenry. Over the last two weeks, I’d ushered them back in to resume their daily lives to great success, and starting bringing things back to normal. I’d even planned a little celebration festival for the town with the money leftover from the account we allocated for the war.

Since I’d been dealing with bills and accounts pertaining to warfare for a few months, I kinda forgot how much money I was working with.

The little victory festival I’d planned basically had the budget for another week of full-blown warfare.

The party’s been going on for a week and barely half the budget has been touched.

Merchants from all over the land heard of the massive victory festival asking for luxuries to be brought in. Performers came from all over to showcase their skills and excite the crowds. Bread and circuses came to mind, as my formerly-abandoned town was suddenly filled with my citizenry and a ludicrous amount of entertainers, to the point that neighboring nobility overheard and decided to visit just to partake and give their congratulations.

Roseanne would’ve probably given me the stink-eye, if not for the fact that she spotted me begging my money-handlers to try and get some of the money back.

Alas, my accountants were too quick and I was too slow on the uptake, since Mekh had been trying to foist an entire harem of desert beauties on me as a victory gift. The bastard even held the construction project I’d wanted done in hostage, unless I took them. By the time I managed to tell him to fuck off, and secured the fortifications I that I wanted without a baker’s dozen of Kindred, it was too late. Everything had been allocated, and pulling any money back would result in losing reputation, as the nobles who came already saw the plans for a monthlong celebration.

The only thing that I could do to save money was by knocking off an event or two by offering to talk my subject's ears off.

I’d thought that only a few schmucks would bother to attend, and I’ll get a day or two of money back a week as I’d have grounds to cancel events tyrannically to make people listen to me instead.

It had been a horrible decision.

“They’re just out there… ready to eyefuck me to death!” My citizenry literally just left cramped shelters for the first time in weeks. They’d endured double their usual taxes the last few weeks, and I’d even asked them for loans through bonds, and they’d been intimidating to buying a lot of it since I had my Amazons do the talking! A week of bread and circuses shouldn’t have garnered much love for me… but I was somehow wrong. “Do something about all the horny sluts out there! At least, get rid of the perverts who came from me just talking at them, dammit!”

For a moment, Ur looked at me with some care, some consideration, and some concern, before smiling at me contently and fixing my tie.

Then, she took my wrist and started dragging me towards the stage.

“You mustn’t break your word, my chieftain. Not against terrible foes, nor your adoring subjects.”

“They make me feel like a piece of meat, dammit!”

“They love and adore you, my chieftain. Now tell them of our victory and bless the rest of the festival.”

“I don’t want to!”

Ur’s smile widened at my words.

“But you must.”

And, with those words, my most trusted lieutenant threw me to the wolves.

No.

Horny, happy, and absolutely deranged Kindred.

I would’ve preferred the wolves.

…

Tanis’s words made me blink.

“What? That doesn’t make any sense.” I was partaking in some of Kurama’s cooking to recover from having to give a speech and giving that speech to my primarily Kindred populace. Rice, grilled fish, and a light soup with a fresh salad. In my barely-discernable childhood, I’d have considered it just a normal meal. After living off of mostly preserved food for weeks, it felt like a luxury. “How is our economy accelerating?”

“I was hoping that you would tell me, my Lord.” The albino Lamia shook her head and sighed. She partook in her own lunch, which was a hearty venison stew fortified with beef tallow, lots of vegetables, and plenty of spices. There was enough calories in her meal for a human for an entire day, but it was just enough for her to not feel the pangs of hunger between three meals. “Did you not say that your own homeland experienced a massive, economic miracle after a disastrous war?”

“Yeah, but we were the losers and we got helped by the winners—oh, right… we’re the winners.” In this scenario, I supposed that we were on the American side of the conflict. Immense military power, incredible ability to project it, and a substantial edge on the economic and political floor with all our allies and assets. The massive celebration that was ongoing just screamed to the heavens that we were victorious. Everyone who came here was going to talk about it… and people will come to invest, to trade, and curry favor. “Sorry, I didn’t study that part of history. You’re going to have to handle that on your own, but I’ll help as much as I can.”

“Whenever you say it that, the help you promise is incredibly limited.” Tanis pointed out.

My answer was a shrug.

“It’s the truth. I only know what I know.” I borrowed a line from a certain, big-boobed megane… who was also a catgirl. Mhmm, I should stop referencing anime characters. Someone of that archetype might just show up. Kindred have some sort of sixth-sense for fetishes. I should write a paper on it, because sometimes I’m sure that I think of an anime stereotype and bump into it a week later… the worrying part is that A’Bel’s not sharing the info. Bah, I’ll worry about the world subconsciously influencing Kindred later. Gods and primordial entities are final bosses, anyway. I had a war to finish. “Keep an eye on it. Encourage it. Invest in booming ventures, but prop up their competitors, and keep an eye on our officials to make sure that corruption is curtailed.”

“By which, you mean, it is entirely, solely at your disposal to use as a tool as you wish.”

“You’re damn right.”

I nodded at the Lamia and we continued our briefing over lunch, while I ruminated on my new circumstances as the head of an incredibly powerful nation with happy allies, ecstatic citizens, and a lot of land in my hands that formerly belonged to my enemies.

Yep.

It sounded like a big headache, especially when I just wanted to stick to Ylstu after everything’s settled.

World conquest?

Nah.

I’ll stay in the place where I can get whatever I want, whenever I want it, and maybe visit other places from time to time.

Maybe, whoever I put in to take my job will want to do some political maneuvering to become a superpower, but it sure as hell won’t be me!

…

I looked at the nearest human being and they lurched away in fear, barely stopping themselves from falling on their ass.

Hilarious.

I looked at Reiser from over my shoulder, while all the Academy students that she rescued sported changes in physical form like she did, along with the changes to their magic via artifacts and other spells to keep them out of sight.

“Call the leaders forward.” There were five groups of fifty in front of me. Two-hundred fifty out of two thousand recruited in bulk for the Academy over the course of the last year. All from the Empire’s peasantry. Brainwashed, forced to fight through wounds and their own reasoning, and absolutely sick of their circumstances. These were the ones that chose to stay. The rest was folded into the Kindred and I didn’t give a crap about them. “And, tell me if they’re actually worth keeping around.”

Maintaining their disguises didn’t honestly cost much. I had a production base for magical trinkets and items that the growing middle-class of the Kindred could enjoy. That production base needed the practice to become more efficient, and new blood was always being welcomed into the industry. In short, I could keep these guys looking like Kindred via Elf disguises without any issue. There’d been some quibbling about permanently looking like Elves, but all their features becoming more effeminate in return for not being turned into public-use meat dildoes was an acceptable compromise.

Anyway, I listened to Reiser introduce the leaders of the five groups, discarded their names, and addressed all of them equally.

Because in front of me and with my authority, they were all equal.

I hoped that the leaders understood that.

“I have multiple outposts in the woods, which tend to one resource or another and send it back to Ylstu for processing. The people manning them report to me, and are expected to act as professional soldiers when needed. In short, they’re more than capable of putting you all down if you get any ideas.” I explained their situation. In essence, I was putting them to work where I needed the most labor in the most isolated areas of the valley, which were surrounded by forest and manned mostly by Harpies and Wyverns. Meaning that there were no roads going in and out of the resource outposts. “But, in those places, you’ll all be able to live relatively normal lives, earn wages, and buy what you need since shipments to and from those places are regular.”

None responded, which was good because I didn’t plan on listening to any of them.

This is my land.

I make the rules and decide what happens.

“I want you all to know that I hate the country that you lived in. If you all hadn’t been forced to do terrible things, I’d have had you all killed and used your corpses to make Undead. I like Undead. They’re the best workforce I can get my hands on, so if you give me an excuse, I’ll turn you into one.” Keeping all these people in line would be difficult, if they weren’t living in abject terror of what would happen if they broke the rules. However, I also understood that subjugating them alone wasn’t a solution. They needed a reason to willingly do what I told them too. “But, if you follow the rules, if you don’t do anything wrong, then you’ll earn the right to be a citizen of Ylstu. Own your own business, live your lives, however you want as long as it doesn’t mess without anyone else, and… receive my protection.”

Some hesitant nods were shared amongst the former Empire people, and I decided that I would give them the ultimate promise to make sure they became compliant citizenry.

“That protection will extend to all your descendants. None of you will have to fear Kindred taking you for themselves, if they somehow see through your disguises. Your bodies will not be used to create Undead.” Kurama told me that this was overkill, especially when I had the right to kill them all or sell them off as slaves. That was a pretty shit binary choice, so I decided against listening that advice and just do what I wanted. “Finally, if you do as I say, then you’ll never see me again. All you and your children will ever meet will be my tax collectors, and that’ll be that.”

For the first time, I met the gazes of the leaders of each group.

All five were still shivering and terrified, but in each of their eyes, I saw a glimmer of hope.

A hope that they’ll be able to carve out an existence that was somewhere close to normal after they lost everything.

With that, I was satisfied and looked over to Reiser.

“They’re all yours.”

“Yes, my Lord.”

Hmph.

For once, I didn’t scowl when she told me that.

I suppose that, after all she’s done, I was willing to accept that she changed.

We could never be what we once were, but that didn’t mean our relationship couldn’t change and become something else.

…

I sighed in relief and lounged, while Ashe happily munched on the roasted rump of a massive steer that I’d bought and had prepared entirely for her.

She’d done well during the campaign, so I was rewarding her.

“Good?”

“The quality is of the greatest!” Ashe grinned widely and responded instantly at my query. I didn’t have to wonder if she was lying. Her tail was wagging up a storm. The urge to pet her head arose and so I did. Her tail wagged even faster. “I am of immense gratefulness, chieftain!”

“You earned this. All of you did.” I looked over the rest of the plain. Many other warriors were arrayed over the entire clearing. While the entire of Ylstu was partying it up with the funds I’d misallocated, my military was enjoying a party that I’d fully intended to spoil them with. Everyone present was carousing, drinking, and chatting with the recently-healed or recently-revived. Thankfully, the camaraderie between fellow soldiers remained, even with their newly-Undead fellows. “Go ahead and eat all you want. There’s plenty to go around.”

I had an entire platoon of chefs, groups of entertainers, and large rewards to give out. My soldiers were going to leave this party with fat wallets, full bellies, and memories to last their entire lifetimes.

Despite the cost, I couldn’t be more pleased with the celebration if I tried.

A few years ago, no matter the victory, every celebration was muted by death and a sense of impending doom.

This time, without a doubt, the victory that we had was undeniable.

There was only one issue with the victory.

My own damn words that spread across all of Ylstu at the speed of light, which came to mind when Ashe’s innocent gaze and smile lingered on me.

“This celebration is of amazing caliber, but I will be of greatest happiness when I am with chieftain’s children!”

Ashe’s declaration was overheard, amplified, and soon enough the chatter of the entire festival turned towards the topic of me having kids.

And the activity involved in making those kids.

If it was anyone else, I’d have scowled and told them to shut up… but Ashe’s genuine smile and lack of ill intent made it clear that she was just honestly stating her eagerness.

In short, at the Hellhound’s words, I could only blush from head to toe and nod as inconspicuously as I can with hundreds of gazes on me.

Who would’ve thought that the tribal Hellhound who couldn’t even read or write would be the most wholesome and earnest Kindred I’d ever meet?

I sure as hell didn’t see it coming!