Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 110

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 110

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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If I had it my way, after capturing Miriam and a few of her ships, I would’ve been on my way back to Ylstu already. While I would’ve certainly enjoyed a vacation in the guest villa, there was no good horror story that stopped with “then the monster decided to go on vacation after abducting the demigod.” By all means, it was far more terrifying and memorable to be incredibly mysterious right after you did the deed. A key rule of being a good, scary, and memorable monster was to an unknowable, strange being that simply couldn’t be stopped.

But, in the end, I still needed to meet with Mekh to clear things up properly before leaving.

Surprisingly, though, I wasn’t disappointed by how it turned out.

…

My last meeting with Mekh for my journey took place aboard my ship. He suppressed his pride and need to be noticed in favor of subtlety, which gave me more confidence in his ability to keep shit in line before I came back. Another thing that gave me confidence in him was the fact that he wore an actual, concealing robe to meet with me, so he had some actual understanding of how clothing worked.

My co-conspirator to force the land of the Pharaoh’s to continue being peaceful, and not get exploited by opportunists, knew the basics of espionage and knew how clothes worked. Therefore, I was surprised, happy, and maybe even a little hopeful that everything would turn out okay and that my plan wouldn’t blow up in my face.

Man, my expectations have really gotten fucked since I came to this world, huh?

“Hachiman, you are the first mortal in all time to kill a Pharaoh and hold one captive.” Mekh’s words made me blink, especially as his praise had his guards and Bekat kneel together in perfect synchronicity. “Not only that, but you did so at my command with the intention of keeping the peace of my nation at great cost to your own reputation. For your actions, I bestow you the title of honorary citizen and grant you this gift.”

I was going to refuse, but Mekh was one step ahead of me. He took my arm and clasped a bracelet around it, before immediately turning around towards his ship and addressing his subjects.

“Bekat, you are to be the ambassador of my people and you speak in my stead in the Demon Lord’s lands. The rest of you with me!” The bastard finished speaking, gathered his breath, and then took off with a sprint, while the rest of his royal guard did as well.

The sudden surge of movement following the bestowing of a title and abrupt latching on of a bracelet on my wrist all combined to short-circuiting my brain long enough for the Pharaoh to hop the railing onto his flying boat. He kicked his boat off, and with his strength, successfully pushed his smaller ship off mine whilst his guards jumped aboard to their vessel.

I ran after him while it was happening, but even with no one stopping me, I couldn’t manage to get across the deck in time to wring his neck.

“Mekh, you absolute bastard, get back here and take this shit off of me!” I shook my fist at him, while he waved away at me. The bracelet covered half my forearm and when I moved to take it off, it shifted in a weird, magical way, and was suddenly on my other arm. The same thing happened when I reached for it there. “What the hell is this!?”

“A shield! Better than the trifling wind-shifters that you’ve concocted! It will protect you by detecting poison and placing itself between you and all manner of weapons!” Mekh took off his hood, while his ship slowly listed away from mine towards from where he came. The setting sun loomed behind him while he crossed his arms and beamed at me with a smile that was far too bright. “I will not have you die on me, my friend! See to your challenges and visit me hale and hearty with tales to regale me!”

I glared at him and his smile only widened, while the distance between him and I continued to grow.

So, of course, I had to yell louder at him.

“You told me to come here to talk about what we’re doing next!”

“You thought me above falsehoods, Hachiman!? How kind of you!”

“You came onto my ship to just give me a thank you and slap a shield on my arm!?”

“Of course, you wouldn’t have allowed me otherwise!”

“Bastard!”

“Haha, farewell my friend! May fortune smile upon you and your subjects!”

Mekh gave a merry wave while I seethed. His ship picked up speed and went away, while he continued to impishly wave at me until he was just a blip amongst the sands. When I was sure that he couldn’t see me, even with all his divine bullshit… I let myself relax, shake my head, and laugh a little.

It’s been so long since I had a male friend that I forgot that being assholes to one another was just normal and expected.

Naturally, of course, I had to pay him back.

“Oi, Bekat, come over here.”

“Yes, my lord.” The Anubis was quick to my side. She had a small backpack on her that I hadn’t noticed earlier with all her things. I was tempted to badmouth Mekh for leaving me to clothe his diplomat, but I was sure that the bag contained enough treasure to furnish an entire mansion. He was to much of a clever piece of shit to give me an opening like that. I had to be creative. “What is your will?”

“What did Mekh give you, so that we can contact one another?”

“A tablet of enchanted sands synchronized with one that he owns himself. Whatever is written on the tablet shall be sent to him. Whatever you tell me, the Pharaoh shall read.”

I considered telling Bekat to tell him that he was a piece of shit, but the Anubis looked at me with eagerness, while her ears were upright, and as her tail wagged.

“…Does he know how to read the language from where I come from?”

“No, but rest assured that I do. I shall write whatever you say perfectly and relay it to him in the Pharaoh’s tongue.”

Fuck. Damn that bastard. He thought this shit through, and wasn’t afraid to act stupid, so that he could get away.

“I’d prefer to write it myself, so start making a lesson plan for me to learn.” I had the tablet, so I could shit on Mekh as long as I knew how to write myself. My vengeance will take time, but I was more than ready to invest and be patient. No. That’s actually I lie. I actually want to start shitting on him right now. “But, until then, how about I tell you about my world, so that Mekh can enjoy himself?”

Bekat’s eyes widened with pure joy, while I smiled with pure malice.

“That would be wonderful, Lord Hachiman!”

Man, Mekh, you sure are proud of how amazing your city is… it would be a shame if you started living with the fact that a few magicless apes built something better in just a few thousand years, huh!?

You might be familiar with the game, Mekh, but I was born in a world where the internet existed, where I trained for years to be an anonymous asshole, and spent a lot of my life being an asshole in real life too! As long-lived as you are, as capable as you are in the arts of fucking around, you’re dealing with a Japanese man who spent his childhood on the internet as a loner!

You’re absolute, positively out of your damn league!

…

Our journey back towards Roseanne’s lands was set to be uneventful and quicker than before. However, since it didn’t need to be, I didn’t bother for practical reasons. The first of those reasons was the fact that I was returning to a place where I had plenty of rivals who I didn’t want to know my ship’s top-speed. The second practical reason was that I didn’t want to deal with the fallout from all my decisions yet.

Roseanne was going to have a lot of questions about my decisions, and after spending weeks with the Pharaohs doing nothing but answering questions and mingling with the upper class, I decided that I needed a break before that happened.

So, after a quick inventory check with Tanis, I decided to make the trip back home a bit more pleasurable with the help of the island between the Pharoah’s lands and Roseanne’s.

By pleasurable, I mean mount a small campaign against the natives, force them stop luring and trapping people to their isles, and giving myself a nice island base to hide away in if needed. Given the assets that I had at my disposal, the battle with the natives on the islands didn’t take that long, and just a day after my troops were enjoying time off on the beach with the rations that we no longer needed because we were now saving a lot of time flying instead of sailing.

I left dealing with the natives to A’Bel, because they were a bestial tribe who understood violence more than anything else. They didn’t know how to read and write, lived in huts made of sticks in the jungle canopies, and didn’t know how to maintain the weapons of those they took. Apparently, they also burned anything not from the island which they couldn’t use, so despite all the travelers that they waylaid they had little to their name.

Overall, I was fine with A’Bel terrorizing them into not being murderous, cannibalistic rapists with access to magic for now, but if they acted up later, I was going to relocate and reintegrate them… into the ground. Six feet under to be more precise. It probably wasn’t going to happen, since most bestial Kindred tribes followed along with whatever they were asked after the pecking order was established, but I never dealt with murderous rapists who were also cannibals before, so I wasn’t going to take any chances.

Anyway, while my sailors and soldiers grilled meats, indulged in double rations, and played around on the beach, I settled into my private tent and prepared to nap in the comfort of the cool sea breeze in the shade without anyone bothering me.

But, of course, nothing was ever that simple.

I made the mistake of suggesting all sorts of activities for them to enjoy themselves on the beach, so my clear view of the ocean was blocked by erotic flesh barely constrained in one set of skimpy swimwear or another. Slingshots, high-waisted thongs, and chest bands with rings right in the middle were the more conservative options. Most were outright nude, some with just towels at their waists, had body point that wasn’t waterproof, or wore strings and straps that made them lewder than being naked. And, because of my big mouth, they were all asking me for advice on how to play the games I mentioned properly.

I should’ve told them that my people spent the day on the beach eating, resting, and swimming, but now I had to watch dozens of nubile Kindred play volleyball, catch frisbees, or do relays on the sand. The last one was a joke, which said just so that they’d try it and get tired, but apparently running on the sand was easier for Kindred.

Man, the only way I could’ve messed this situation up more was if I taught them how to play Keijo.

“Enjoying yourself, my dear summoner?” A’Bel spoke up after clarifying to the latest group of volleyball players that flying wasn’t permitted and destroying the ball didn’t count as breaking the rules, but did require the ball be replaced out of pocket. I looked at the Demon’s way as she entered the tent. While leaving to visit the dessert, I’d thought that her straps-and-squares-of-fabric bikini was risqué, but after an hour on the beach I knew that she was actually being pretty conservative. “Do you find any of your subjects worth partaking in?”

I was about to say no when I noticed A’Bel’s smile.

It was too encouraging, so I stopped, and thought about my answer before scowling.

“You know what? I kinda was enjoying myself, before you decided to talk.” I grunted while A’Bel chuckled and crossed her arms beneath the mountains she had on her chest. Well, given her height and overall size, they were proportional and “just” big to her. It was the fact that she towered over most creatures, including me, that made her assets boggle the mind. “Yeah, I’m starting to get attracted to people physically again. Thanks for telling me. I would’ve never been able to figure out that spending a few weeks away from the Empire would do my mind some good.”

“It is partly because of being away from the Empire, but it is more than that. My dear summoner, you are healing and starting to care… and soon you will be able to use that care to fuel fires that burn brighter than vengeance ever could.” A’Bel gave a hum as she crossed her legs and took a seat before my chair. The Demon was almost large enough that she almost didn’t have to look up at me with eyes filled with expectation, need, and desire. “You are growing closer and closer to your people. Soon, you will destroy your enemies not because you hate them, but because you wish to protect those you care for… and it shall be glorious indeed.”

I couldn’t refute A’Bel’s words.

The hatred I had for the Empire was still there, but over the course of the last months they’ve dimmed. I still hated them, but A’Bel was right about the fact that I was starting to care for Ylstu more… and that fact wasn’t good for the Empire in the slightest. Out of hatred, I‘d burned a city to the ground with all its inhabitants trapped inside.

The plans that I had concerning the Empire came more quickly, they were also more efficient, and I cared less about sending a screaming, hateful message their way. Before I wanted the Empire to know that I was killing them, to know that I was cornering them, and that I was going to erase them from existence for all the things they did to me. Now, my thoughts turned to killing them quickly, quietly, and without the slightest hint of hesitation.

Yeah, it was no wonder that A’Bel was getting hot and bothered.

But, even if she was excited and ready to provide, I didn’t need to give her anything, so I just waved her away and made her pout.

“I’m on vacation. I’ll think about how to start undermining the Empire when we get back.” After all that I did, I deserved a break. I couldn’t do my best if I was tired and lethargic, so I wasn’t going to bother. I shooed the Demon away, which made her mope and try to cling to me, I got up and decided to take a walk. “Nope. Don’t bother begging. I’m going to rest and relax for a week. Go terrorize the cannibals or something.”

A’Bel followed me out of the tent, clinging to my back, and shading me from the sun in the process.

“But, my dear summoner, they’re so boring and weak!”

“Everything is compared to you.”

“Not the Pharaohs! Find another one for me to fight!”

“I refuse. I’d rather you go around crushing my enemies without effort.”

“My dear summoner, you are being far too cruel!”

“And, you’re being annoying, but you don’t hear me calling you out on it.”

A’Bel whined and whimpered, nothing like the Archdemon that she was while fighting the Pharaohs, as we walked together across the beach.

Despite everything, somehow, I didn’t think of her any differently before and after we visited the Pharaohs lands.

Given how she was treating me, I was sure that she knew that… and probably liked it.