Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 100

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 100

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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“Good morning, Hachiman.”

One of the essentials of life was taking a break.

I never expected those words to be thrown at me, after I used them to make sure Ylstu’s workforce was loyal to me, but I was surprisingly fine with it.

I’d thought that having a break would lead to me having a mental breakdown, like I did when I was under Roseanne’s care. However, it seemed that a day of respite wasn’t anywhere close to weeks of decompressing and having nothing to do.

Thus, I could have time to myself without risking death via trauma.

“Morning, Ur.” I was lounging in the suite that Mekh gave us. It was the same size as the villa that we had at the port and was somehow better furnished. Though we were in the middle of a massive diplomatic mission, with a country about to erupt into a civil war, I was fiddling around with children’s toys with snacks and chilled drinks on the side. “It’s my day off, so if you have something to report… it’s someone else’s problem.”

I was willing to protect my time-off with my life.

In fact, since I was technically risking a lot of trauma rising up and falling into depression, I was.

“I have no report to give. It is my day off as well. I have chosen to spend it with you.” Ur spoke bluntly and looked past me. One of the servants was quick to get her a chair and table. Soon enough she was lounging next to me and watching me work with the toys created by a post-scarcity kingdom. Needless to say, she was just as confused as I was.  “What is that?”

“A toy for children. Yeah. I know. It doesn’t make any sense.” It was a cylinder covered in numerous hieroglyphs. All of the hieroglyphs were on rotating sections. The game was about finding certain combinations, which created magic at one of two ends. Sweets and treats popped out of the good end, with the good combinations, while short-lived constructs of magic popped out of the other to annoy the user if they got the wrong combination. “This thing can literally change warfare forever, but it’s a toy.”

The power-source was probably prohibitively expensive, with the rest of the artifact probably being priceless, but I could care less.

It was an artifact that could be used to give someone the ability to cast multiple spells. Simplifying it would give someone the ability to cast one spell multiple times. By all means, it was a revolutionary device that should be turning the world on its head.

But I was figuring out combinations to make an army of spectral frogs to run around the floor.

“Huh. May I try it?” I handed it off to Ur. She was wearing her tribe’s typical clothes. A band of cloth across her chest and a skirt composed of the same cloth. Simple, but accentuated by golden bands and jewelry to show off her status. It also showed a lot of skin without armor protecting her limbs. “It is an interesting toy. I’d thought it was some sort of sexual tool, given the tendencies of the Kindred.”

“Yeah. I thought so too, but it’s a pleasant surprise to be wrong. Sometimes. Well. Practically never, but you know what I mean.” As she summoned some spectral birds to battle against my forces, and figured out how to get some candies, I turned to the next toy. It was a cube that turned transparent to show a tiny ball inside the moment it was touched. Then, a moment later, a maze formed around the ball from within the hollow cube with a glowing center for the ball to reach. Magic beyond imagining was used to make a boring maze game. Limitless potential ruined by limited creativity. “So… what do you think about the Pharaohs?”

“Myself specifically or my sisters as well?”

“Why not both?”

“Typically, you don’t have the patience for it, so it is a surprise.” Ur sent a barb my way with a raised eyebrow. I shrugged in response. There was no denying that I didn’t like small talk that much, therefore her question had merit. She put aside the magical cylinder and frowned as she lounged. “Then, I shall relay my thoughts first, before speaking on behalf of my sisters. I believe that this place how lost its way. There is more to life that food, shelter, and security. There must also be purpose.”

I saw one of the smiling servants frown at Ur’s words, but the servant’s mask was quick to return. She should’ve kept the frown, since it was only going to get harder for her to keep it on.

“In my world, we yearned for all three and fought for it, but whenever the tribe had all of it… we expended it in search for more for our future.” Ur spoke honestly and curtly. Even with all of Mekh’s servants present, she spoke her mind because I asked her to. Her gaze was questioning, especially as she noticed that the servants present were all looking her way, but I insisted that she go on. It was pretty entertaining… and Mekh was going to get a kick out of hearing another perspective. “I do not despise the prosperity of the Pharaohs, but I must question their inaction when they can maintain such wonderful lives while doing more.”

Ur was as good and righteous as a person got. If there was something wrong, she went out of her way to fix it. As far as moral compasses went, she had one of the straightest ones that I could ever consider. My own was crooked, but it looked downright broken compared to hers… but in the end our views on the Pharaohs were the same.

Thus, Mekh was about to hear the same words from two different perspectives, which would serve my goals better… while entertaining me in the process.

I was technically working, but I was also enjoying how the servants were all fidgeting.

It was better than playing around with priceless magical artifacts with barely any creativity.

“And, what do your fellow Amazons think?” I was banking on Mekh knowing that my Amazons were vaunted fighters who should be cherished. A few days ago, during the festival, Mekh had shown off his warriors and troops in a military parade. He was proud of the fact that he had such a professional force to call his own and the people cheered their hearts out as they marched. When he requested a private match between his best squadron against my bodyguards, their spells fizzled against Ur and her sisters, while they broke through the frontline and blitzed through them. Their strength stole his breath away, so I hoped that their thoughts would matter to him. “How do they feel about this place?”

“They are… bored. They search for threats, opportunities to use their skills, and find none. I have pit them against one another to ensure that their skills do not tarnish.” Ur spoke honestly and once again the loyal servants of the Pharaoh struggled to keep themselves composed. If one of my Kikimora maids heard Ylstu being called stagnant and anything but perfect, they’d get very pissed and speak out. I had to give Mekh’s servants credit: they were very good at remaining composed. “I do not wish to offend the Pharaoh, but I had hoped my warriors would spar against his own to remain strong.”

With that particular phrase, I had to sit up and meet the gaze of the nearest servant.

“I’d like lunch now. I’m feeling pretty hungry, so don’t hold back.” Preparing a good, formal meal took many servants at once, so I was effectively running defense before the servants dogpiled Ur. Though the servants were all barely holding on and keeping themselves in check, their bodies moved with my command and they began to filter out. I waved them away with a smile… and I enjoyed the fact that their usually composed smiles had been just a little touched by irritation. I finally managed to annoy them. It felt pretty nice. “Thank you very much.”

Ur, naturally, had a raised eyebrow by the time I reclined once more.

“You told me that you weren’t working today.”

“I wasn’t. I was doing it to annoy the waiting staff. Getting a valid message to Mekh was just extra.” I considered the rest of the toys for a bit, before just sitting up and pouring myself a glass of chilled juice. “So, how have you and the others been treated? Is everything fine? They’re not treating you like garbage, right?”

“We are being treated well, Hachiman. I have told you this many times.”

“Well, I’m fishing for things to leverage, so…”

“Unfortunately, my chieftain, my sisters and I are not being treated poorly to advance your goals. I apologize for not suffering to make your job easier.”

“Apology accepted.”

“Bastard.”

…

The average Japanese businessman lived to work, which meant that getting the chance to live could result in terrible things happening to them. Spending your entire life working your soul out for a company typically results in you not having a life outside that company. Home life could easily be just eating convenience store meals at home, tending to your needs, and sleeping until you get back to work. Your life could have no time for anything else, especially when your work place’s culture is to stay past your shift and go out drinking to be seen as a person by your boss.

Sometime in the past, I’d worried a lot about that problem, so I made a simple plan to deal with it when it came around.

When the morning of my day off waned away and I found myself with nothing to do, I got off my ass to do something with my time that was productive and entertaining. I stipulated long ago that whatever hobby I had as adult needed to be something that I can improve in, feel good about, and gain a skill out of. If the rest of my life was shit, I could at least have my hobby to feel good about and see my progress in.

In the land of Kindred, filled with sexy monsters, I devoted myself to carving wood and doing my absolute best… to carve cool robots with magic.

A certain Quagmire would laugh at my piddling magic and inability to make earth from nothing. He’d probably show off his meticulously-designed erotic figures of his wives and lord over me with his super-op powers. However, in the end, I accepted my weaknesses and moved forward in order to bring my dreams into reality.

I held a block of wood in my hand and with my willpower and magic… carved it into a Zaku.

The Gundams were great. I liked them a lot. However, after my years spent as a military commander, I appreciated the Zaku more. They were mass-produced machines that got the job done without special alloys or beam weapons. They were armed with larger versions of small arms and anti-vehicle weapons, but that allowed them to take down an existing conventional force and push their enemy back.

They would’ve won the war if their commanders weren’t idiots and getting killed by Char.

After expending my magic, I took a good look at the results of my hobby… only to have a shadow form upon me.

“I see that your finesse with magic is improving, my dear Master.” A’Bel loomed over me and cast a shadow over me. I looked up and found the underside of mountains barely held by straps of silk and gold. There were no signs of her face. Probably just as she intended. “At this rate, you’ll be quite the terror in combat… you’ll be able to strip anyone with a touch.”

A’Bel giggled while I scowled at her and put the wooden carving aside.

The larger pieces were looking better, but the finer details still needed improvement. I couldn’t make indentations on the armor yet or put smooth grooves. The larger features were present, but not the details. It resembled a blob that resembled a Zaku, as if an animator was on death’s door and was making the umpteenth slide for a fight scene. It was a lot better than my first attempt, but there was a lot of room to improve.

“It’s my day off, A’Bel. Go away.” I reclined on my chair and took a sip of juice to wait for my power to return. While I waited, I practiced reading the Pharaoh’s language. I could speak it fine thanks to magic, but I wanted to be literate and not have to rely on A’Bel. “I’m not in the mood.”

I was returning to my introverted roots quite well.

Talking to people was a chore that I didn’t want to deal with on my day off.

Was there anything worse than having a chore pop up when you worked your ass off to get a free day to yourself?

Probably not.

“But, my dear Master, don’t you want to improve on your ability to use magic? You’re improving, but don’t you wish to start painting… and perhaps enchanting these to move?” My contracted Demon spoke and temptations slipped out of her lips, down the tight, jiggly valley looming over me, and reached my ears. While I wanted her to go away, the words wouldn’t leave my mouth. My desires as a man betrayed me. I wanted to make GunPla that could move and fight. Yes. “Alright, then… first you must stop being so wasteful of your magic. Use it portion by portion instead of taking hold of all of it at ounce.”

A’Bel clothes surprisingly didn’t transform into a teacher’s uniform as she spoke, but she did start pacing around me and lecturing with a voice that made me sit up. The situation was surprisingly not lewd and helpful to my current hobby, so it didn’t even feel like a chore. It was like I had an informative video on something that I wanted to learn. In other words, A’Bel was being unexpectedly perfect while I was regaining my magic.

“Carving wood is also very difficult, especially hardened wood blocks such as the one you are using. It would be best to learn with clay, especially when it is in abundance here. You can learn to shape wood and stone later.” A’Bel continued to speak and I listened carefully and attentively, while enjoying my snacks. This was pretty great, and judging from the fact that A’Bel nodded her head at my thought, she was knew that… and wasn’t teasing me about it. That fact pretty much cemented the moment as a great way to spend my free time. “Now, when you begin carving again, I want you to envision your magic not as a chisel or a knife, but as an eraser. There is no need to replicate physical instruments. You are using magic. Use it efficiently.”

I listened to every word, doing my best to improve, and forgetting my worries and concerns as I did.

Work can wait for tomorrow.

Today I was going to enjoy myself.