A Perfectly Logical Guide to a Superhuman Apocalypse: Chapter 2

A Perfectly Logical Guide to a Superhuman Apocalypse: Chapter 2

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Wordcount: 2500

Commissioned by Arksoul

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As far as post-apocalyptic domiciles went, I had to admit that Kaede Walker’s was… half-decent. She had electricity, gas, modern appliances, and a full pantry. I had to dock points for the lack of armory, and I nearly removed a chunk off her grade for having everything above ground, but with her power that didn’t really matter.

There wasn’t much in the world that could hope to hurt her, therefore cover and concealment hardly mattered for her.

Would she gain an advantage if she decided to use both? Definitely.

Would I bother to observe such advantages myself with her power? Fuck no.

I’m lazy.

“Help yourself, Egress.” Kaede Walker offered me a tin and I found baked, shortbread cookies within. They were fresh too, which meant that they had access to cows for butter, but also had sugar, too. Not only did my dream of double-cheeseburgers with bacon seem within reach, but it was possible that I could have a milkshake with it. A milk-flavored milkshake, but still a milkshake! “It can’t be healthy to live off of so much freeze-dried food.”

“I’ll have you know that I upgraded my shelter before the giant shitshow. I have a frozen pantry, a hydroponics bay, and a slightly ruined mushroom farm.” I’d made a few mistakes with the mushroom farm and let the go for too long. They ended up filling the room with spores and decomposing. I had to replace all the woodchops and compost blocks and hope that some spores survived. A green thumb, I most definitely did not have. “I’ve been living pretty well while minding my own business.”

As a show of mental health and moral superiority, after shoving a few cookies down my gullet, I shoved the rest of the tin into the hands of one of the two, uniformed fliers.

What were their names again?

Ah, they weren’t strong enough to matter.

They were goons. Flying bricks at the very best. Irrelevant at the worst.

I gave them the cookies for their goodwill because the cookies weren’t mine. I had nothing to lose, but everything to gain from their goodwill as a result of their actions.

Anyway. Moving on.

“You’ve kept yourself healthy too. It’s good to see that you haven’t let go of your better habits.” Kaede Walker’s smile was gentle and kind. Her words were also complimenting. My male instincts told me to fall for her immediately, which I utilized properly as trigger to be on guard. Every woman in my life so far has taught me that I should never, ever think of them as anything less than incredibly patient and conniving competitors in the realm of business. Yes, without a doubt, she was planning on getting me to do something with massive discount. “How confident are you in your ability to face a few… more dangerous foes?”

“Details first. Case by case basis. Right to refuse. No discounts and half up front.” I took a seat at the island counter that Kaede Walker had in her kitchen. The two grunts took the seats to my right and shared the cookies with one another. They offered some to the blue-clad, masked detective staring at me in the corner of the room, and she took the tin and pulled up her mask past her nose to eat. Nice to know that there was some sort of filter in that thing, despite its thinness. “Also, you can’t afford to have me kill, so don’t even ask. You’ll just ruin my mood, Ms. Walker.”

Walker laughed lightly at my words. Each little, cute noise was like the tinkling of windchimes in a gentle spring breeze. My heart skipped a beat and I took that as a signal to refocus. Kaede Walker was unleashing all her charms upon me. I had to raise all my mental defenses against her ploys, which involved bringing up a lot of terrible memories that hurt to remember, but sufficiently destroyed any interest I had in anyone.

Unfortunately for you, Kaede Walker, but I’ve had enough terrible relationships to ruin any burgeoning relationship that I might have!

Go me.

I’m the best.

Sob.

“You drive a hard bargain as always, but I accept.” Kaede Walker finished chuckling and turned on the gas on the stove. With a snap of her fingers the range came alight, and in a burst of movement, Maelstrom had it covered with oiled pans while she chopped vegetables and butchered meat at the same time. Her hands were a blur on the chopping board and the precision of each cut and movement was impeccable. Even without her immense strength and durability, with just her speed and ability o move with such precision, she’d be a major threat to anyway. But she had all of that and more. “Your target is what remains of the US Fifth Fleet anchored in Hawaii.”

“Hm? What are they up to?”

“The most horrible thing imaginable. They wish to return the world to how it was.” Kaede Walker answered with a smile that made her eyes curl. Five hunks of pork steaks were roasting on six pans a moment later, while she cleaned the countertop of any speck of dirt. The ingredients for deglazing the pans and deglazing were ready beside all the sizzling pans. “Superhumans ruling over the common people. Their crimes being hidden away in exchange for their use as weapons. The United States’ newest Vice President is a serial rapist and murderer… and the current President is an old man desperately holding onto a dream long gone.”

Kaede’s smile flattened a little at her words, while both the flying bricks to my right bowed their head in discomfort, while the detective's crumb-covered lips curled into a disgusted frown.

I had different feelings on the matter.

“Huh, so that’s how you’re coping. You’re working to make the best of the world you’ve fucked. That’s honestly admirable… but you’re not getting a discount and I’m not hearing any concrete details on my targets.”

A part of my approved of Kaede Walker’s honesty to her fuck ups and dedication to making sure it went right, but I couldn’t let that interfere with my true goals. In the very depths of my heart, I knew that I couldn’t let my personal feelings intrude in my personal values: a steady supply of bacon double-cheeseburgers, a dog, and a milkshake.

What’s that? My inalienable personal values suddenly had something tacked on at the end? I have no clue what you’re talking about. Those were the same values that I had since leaving my bunker.

Once again, my words managed to earn a few shocked looks from the two goons and the Dick Tracy aficionado, but Kaede’s reaction was as psychopathic and broken as expected.

“Ahaha, I really can’t get anything past you, can I? You’re as bright as I remember, Egress.” Kaede giggled whilst letting the porkchops rest and deglazing six pans at once with brandy, cream, and an assortment of vegetables. The fire the surged out of the pans as she began the process framed her manic smile and wide, desperate eyes perfectly. “Alexis will give you the information after lunch. We can talk price after dinner… you’ll be staying for dinner right?”

There was a lot of terrifying need and want in Maelstrom’s eyes. Her eyes reminded me more of someone who lost everything and was desperately holding onto the first thing they found for stability. Despite all her power and strength, the absolute apex of superhumans, was practically holding onto me in fear of me disappearing and refusing her.

Just like the rest of the world did when she decided to try and do something more than play the valiant heroine.

As socially inept as I was, with my many failed relationships standing as a firm testament to the fact, I was able to see that refusing dinner tonight would get me hyper-mega-super-murdered after a brief life spent desperately running away.

So, I did what I could with the situation.

Swallow my fear, take the risk, and desperately try to get out of it fantastically, absurdly wealthy.

Was I going to get out of this horrible situation sane and emotionally stable?

Most definitely not, but both those things could be solved with alone time and therapy.

For now, I just had to do my best to make some sort of profit while keeping myself alive.

Thankfully, I was kinda good at that.

…

After enjoying some porkchops, I was escorted to Maelstrom’s information room with her information gopher already inside to inform me.

I had a clue to what was going to happen right after the detective-wannabe told Tweedledee and Tweedledum to guard the door.

“Who are you? Walker’s been near-comatose and practically brain dead until you came along. She was just protecting California and doing nothing else… and now… this!” She ripped off her mask and revealed a boyish face with topped by cropped blonde hair matted against her skull by her mask. Alexis threw her mask on the floor and glared at me, probably using her power on me, but I knew a trick that fucked with all forms of bullshit, mental powers: increasing the distance between my brain and theirs. “How are you blocking my power!?”

Was it difficult to impose immense amounts of distance between myself and the rest of the space around me? Yes. Was it worth the sanctity of my mind and protection against stupid, bullshit powers? Absolutely. Void gaps were the best, final answer to most forms of bullshit, even if having it active for long periods of time gave me migraines, an increasing fever, and the chance to boil myself alive.

But back to the issue at hand.

“Worrying about what happened is useless. We need to handle what’s happening now.” Most wannabe detectives were suckers for logical arguments. The wannabe-detective before me fashioned her entire costume after a very, very old detective out of style decades before the end of society. I didn’t hesitate to unleash what logic I could muster to get through to her. “Before I help you figure anything out, we need to make some concrete progress on what Maelstrom wants me to do… and don’t pretend like you didn’t gather all this information to make use of her yourself.”

The information room was filled with folder after folder set across numerous shelves and in labelled boxes. There were no fantastic, string maps with red strings, pictures, and needles. Only the unerringly terrifying force of nature known as proper clerical work combined with perfect information gathering ability.

People asked me why I had trust issues, when I’ve personally seen dozens of rooms like this one maintained by clandestine superhumans with massive paranoia issues in need of a transporter… who never heard of them and spoke with them, but suddenly got contacted by them.

Honestly, if I wasn’t a consummate loner after all my failed relationships, I would’ve been after the first five times I was contacted by unknown numbers, wired money directly to me by accounts I’ve never seen, and transported unidentifiable figures reeking of gasoline to well-stocked islands and caverns.

I’ve seen some shit… and I knew this shit didn’t just appear out of thin air.

“…I intended to use her as a deterrent. Her values spoke to me, even though she didn’t implement them correctly. Humanity was truly in danger of being overcome and subjugated by superhumans.” Alex slumped into the only chair in the room and ran gloved hands through her head. Her eyes were wide as implication after implication ran through her head. “I knew she came in her to read from time to time, but I also knew she’d never act on them. She was just ingesting information to keep herself effective. YOUR appearance armed the biggest time bomb this world has!”

“I take no responsibility for this. Most of the work was done by you. I just went out to get some groceries and dog.” I countered Alexis’s assertions with facts. Facts that the blonde in blue couldn’t deny because I she’d seen them in my head, before I put up the protections necessary to protect against her ability. “If I just came along, then she’d just be active, instead having a room filled with targets.”

Alexis blustered, while I took the nearest file on the table.

It was on America’s newest Vice President in Honolulu on the last Gerald Ford-class Supercarrier in the world.

I got an eyeful of mind-scarring, debilitating evidence on the very first page.

“Oh, fuck.” I closed the folder and did my best to forget what I saw to no avail. I had many forms of mental and physical protection, but information gained through my eyeballs couldn’t be scrubbed before they reached my brain. I’d asked about it, but I left that avenue unexplored after finding out I’d need a helmet with an AI in it. Since I could barely interact with humans with similar or lesser intellect to myself, I made the executive decision to not pursue that path. That left me with a glaring weakness, though. “You’re supposed to put warnings up! You don’t just plaster that shit on the front page of a profile! How could you expect someone NOT to be willing to murder a government after seeing they allow THAT!?”

Alexis’s struggle for wards ceased. I hoped she’d apologize for mentally scarring my poor, weak brain, but the wannabe Private Investigator decided my mental injuries were irrelevant.

“…You have a point. Even after everything she did, after seeing all this happen would’ve eventually brought her back.”

I decided to make it clear that I wasn’t backing down.

“I don’t care. Apologize to me for showing me that garbage without a warning.” I stood my ground and moved the profile of the US’s new VP out of arm’s reach. “Or I’m not listening.”

Alexis looked at me as though I was being childish, but I glared back.

The child in me suffered seeing what I had, so I most definitely was being childish and I was proud of it.

I had very little innocence left and I was going to be very, very aggressive about protecting it.

“…Fine… I apologize for not properly marking excessive gore and violence in my profiles. I’ll rectify it soon.” Alexis grudgingly apologized, but was already moving to get several folders from a box to start putting away the terrible pictures that I didn’t need to see. “Are you ready to move one with our conversation?”

“Yes. Tell me where the VP is right now and I’ll drop him off in the Middle East. Naked.”

Alexis was taken aback by my statement… before nodding and somehow rattling off perfect GPS coordinates even though that system stopped working after the first nukes fell.

It was disturbing, but I had a serial-rapist/pedophile to drop off in the graveyard of armies, which was now filled with tribes of superhumans.

One of the easier jobs I’ve had and there wasn’t any reason to hesitate, since I was already running hot.

If I already had this much effort going, then I just had to get something done.

There were few things in this world that I hated more than inefficiency.

A/N: I'll start posting this on SB as a series after I get 4-5 commissions up here. If anyone wants to sponsor another two chapters let me know. This can be another weekly series with Patreon's getting 4 chapters ahead of SB.