Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 84

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 84

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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I’ll admit that I was afraid about what I’d come back to upon returning to Ylstu.

Not because I didn’t believe in Kurama, Tanis, or A’Bel’s ability to manage the town, but because I left Kurama, Tanis, and A’Bel in charge while I was away. I’d given the three of them a lot of work to oversee, projects to try and finish, and even a few diplomatic loose ends that I never bothered to address because I didn’t want to deal with them.

There were only so many betrothals a man could take before not wanting to deal with any of them anymore.

I stopped sending refusals after the seventh and just shoved them into a cabinet.

However, even all the work I assigned and left them to find, I knew that those three were just horrendously overpowered when it came to administration. If I could’ve gotten away with it, I would’ve liked to put a few idiots in charge while I was away, but my own desire to see Ylstu not be ruined warred against my survival instincts.

You see, ever since Tanis finally got her department going, I gained a lot of free time.  While I felt horrible about subjecting the native population of this world to the horrors of my own, even if I didn’t tell them to do unpaid overtime, the efficiency of Earth’s corporate traditions was unquestionable. Once the bureaucracy was set up, I was left with only the decisions and issues relevant to my station, which generally meant asking Henri questions, double-checking with A’Bel, and then running things through Kurama before making a decision.

This was a good thing on paper, but a pretty terrible thing when you considered the fact that a lot of Kindred wanted my free-time for themselves.

So, I took the reasonable course of action, started working with less feverish intensity, and made sure to be more thorough and slower in everything that I did.

I made less mistakes that needed to be corrected.

My newfound free-time wasn’t discovered through my own efforts… and because A’Bel found it funny.

However, upon my return to Ylstu, the burden of my administrative position had been divided to A’Bel, Kurama, and Tanis.

A’Bel would keep her mouth shut, but that didn’t matter.

Kurama and Tanis were more than capable of figuring things out after handling my work themselves.

So, while I wasn’t landing into a burning, barely-functioning city, I was landing into a kill-zone set up by two Kindred who were both going to be asking me a lot of questions about why they were able to do all my work while managing their own responsibilities without issue.

I wasn’t a very devout man, despite the fact magic existed, but I considered praying as my transports landed back in Ylstu.

…

A small festival for the town was set up for the expedition’s return.

Nothing outrageous like a full parade. It was going to be some free food and merriment for the town upon the expedition’s return.  Banners, streamers, and a few leaflets talking about we did were also involved, but there was no hiring call for any of the bands of entertainers that did their best to compete with my entertainment district from Ylstu’s outskirts.

In essence, there was going to be a party, I’d show my face to show off the fact that I was there, and then everything would be back to normal the next day. Most people were probably just going to drop by for a free lunch and go back to work after their break.

That was what Kurama told me was happening upon my return.

The Kitsune was a massive liar who lies.

The moment I exited the transport, I found myself bombarded by cheering, noise, and thrown undergarments worn just for the occasion. The entire street from the landing pad to my mansion was lined with people, guards, and flying harpies that continuously yelled my name and achievements while scattering leaflets with wild abandon.

“Lord Hikigaya has returned victorious! A new ally for Ylstu rises! A Dragon has been tamed and he is not honored by the seas!”

I wanted to shrivel up an die from the from the first announcement that I heard, but I couldn’t afford to look weak in front of all my subjects.

So, I took the cheers, the underwear, and the noise with the most placid expression as I could while disembarking with my troops.

Thankfully, Ur had her Amazons form up in columns to my right and left to give me some security, and Henri had the decency to cast some sort of spell to divert the underwear coming my way. Ashe and her company, along with the Harpies and the Wyverns walked behind us in neat lines… with their eyes on me and ready to help.

Still, while all of their efforts helped me somewhat, there was still the fact that the crowd was going crazy while I did my best to pretend that they didn’t exist.

“Let me have your babies!”

“Treat me like a meat toilet!”

“Strap me on like a sock!”

“Hold my hand!”

The lewd declarations came readily and often from the bystanders, with many Kindred smiling warmly and chuckling to one another when they said it. However, surprisingly, there were also a fair few of common cries from the populace that I appreciated as I stalked through the crowds with my victorious troops.

“Glory to you, Lord Hikigaya!”

“Glory to Ylstu!”

“To your victory, Lord Hikigaya!”

“To new friends and forgotten foes, my Lord!”

I walked a little straighter at that, before I caught myself, managed a scowl, and walked faster.

I slowed down a little when the crowd started praising my troops though.

I didn’t have enough sharp ears to hear all the cheers sent their way, especially with the entire crowd having something to say whenever I took a step forward… but I caught a few.

“Well fought, sister!”

“Fresh from battle, but looking strong!”

“Stand straighter! Be proud of your victory!”

“You did Ylstu proud!”

Though walking slowly got sent more lurid calls my way, which grew more depraved when I started scowling, I did slow down a little anyway.

My citizens might be after what’s between my legs, but they were congratulating everyone else in the expedition earnestly.

I was willing to endure a few more catcalls for their sake.

…

The air of the parade changed around halfway to my home.

Harpies ceased to cry out the achievements of my expedition and instead started scattering flower petals in my path. The cheers and catcalls turned into light clapping, smiles, and earnest congratulations. Everyone along the route also grew better and better dressed, and their faces also grew more familiar.

So, the newcomers to Ylstu were allowed to greet us first to lower our expectations, huh?

I had to admit that it worked.

Amidst my older, calmer subjects that were used to not thinking in terms of sex, there were also less guards.

Ur, Henri, and Ashe found themselves being given presents ranging from parcels of food, jewels, books, and even new outfits.  Ur received a lot of attention from the Drider seamstresses, to the point where she had to hand off several new suits and outfits to her followers. Henri got the majority of the books, but I saw more than one jeweler give her a grin before giving her something. Ashe, naturally, got the most food of the lot and she was perfectly fine with what she received.

No presents came my way… and that made me nervous.

The only thing that stopped a Kindred from doing something like giving the person they liked presents… was other Kindred that they couldn’t hope to compete with.

I only had thirty seconds to realize and start accepting this fact before I reached the town square.

The pavilions were set up in every which way of the town square, each with a different banner from Kindred nobility, and each one made my heart drop. All my neighbors were present along with their courts. They dined on Ylstu foods, while their guards stood beside platforms that held their gifts to me… the person in the region with the most domestic and foreign influence.

I’d expected the reports that I sent back to be put to use, but Kurama had used them to more terrifying effect than I’d imagined, since the all the gifts were ludicrous.

One platform was just filled with a dozen chests of Silver Swords.

Another platform had a full set of armored plate for the male persuasion on it.

Yet another platform had a warhorse on it that snorted out flames.

Those gifts were from my immediate neighbors, who gained ground since my last offensive, and who were interested in following my lead against the Empire.

Besides them were those from farther away.

Several Kunoichi stood on the platform that represented the Kurama clan.

A proud Dhamphir stood on a platform on behalf that one Vampire whose party I’d attended.

Then, there was a platform for all the tribes I brought to Ylstu recently, and their offering was a dark bush with glossy, apple-like spawn that dripped with miasma… thankfully it was potted and enclosed in a large jar.

But none of them compared to Roseanne’s pavilion and platform.

Roseanne’s pavilion was a tent that took up half of the town square. The red-and-gold ten sat on a massive scarlet rug where her entire court was seated upon thrones. The various Kindred were clad in gowns or armor, each of them weighted and measured me, but I paid them no heed. They didn’t matter.

Only the Demon Lord did.

Roseanne wore her hair freely, but upon her head was a black crown inlaid with rubies, and her dress was scarlet with black lace. Four servants tended to her skirt with every movement she made, but they were paid no heed. The Demon Lord’s presence was a singularity that pulled all attention and respect her way. Conversations abounded within the square, but everyone was aware of her first and foremost, because she mattered the most of anyone present.

Our eyes met and I had to resist cursing.

I knew I should’ve put my Cellphone on silent, instead of letting her return as planned after meeting with the Sea Bishop.

Roseanne silenced everyone by bidding me to come forward, stepping on the platform before her pavilion, and drawing her sword.

It was a massive, blackened blade with a worn hilt and a jagged blade, but she held it like a toy with one hand. It was a weapon of myth and legend, a sword and staff both, which amplified her magic in battle and also cut through any form of armor. Rumors abounded about it. Many said that every Demon Lord allowed their souls to be claimed by the blade, and that any heir found unworthy would be pressed by the sword to perish quickly while binding their soul to the blade for the next to come.

As I took a knee before the platform where her actual throne sat, I really, really wished that she was just going to use it to lop off my head.

Alas… I knew what was happening and didn’t care for it one bit.

“Hikigaya Hachiman, your merits and honors abound in our realm. You have not only guarded the realm from its foes, as you were told, but given onto our people many blessings.” Roseanne held the blade before her with both hands and it seemed to amplify her words for all to hear. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me she was directly addressing every single Kindred who swore themselves to her with her little act, since I was sure I was hearing her words more in my head than with my ears. “Your achievements echo through our lands, your neighbors speak well of you, and provinces besides them speak highly of your achievements. And, now, even foreign lands turn their gaze towards you and bring us greater honor This has drawn our attention; thus, we have drawn our sword, in order to grant you a title not held in centuries. Do you accept this honor?”

Refusal wasn’t an option.

The title and all its benefits were being given to me so that I didn’t get any ideas about packing up, leaving, and working for someone else. Given how much I achieved, and how much potential I had, Roseanne couldn’t allow me to continue traipsing around with the same freedoms and responsibilities as a regular noble of the Kindred.

I was hilariously beyond that.

Anyway, I briefly considered saying no and losing everything I’d built in Ylstu, but decided against being a massive moron since I had no intention of leaving the continent.

“I accept the honor, my Demon Lord.”

“Then, we declare you Lord no longer, Hikigaya Hachiman.” I wasn’t sure if Roseanne smirked after forced me to finally call her by her title, but that didn’t matter as she laid the flat of the blade on my left shoulder and then my right, before smoothly planting it before her. She didn’t rest her hands on the pommel. She was holding it by the pommel to prevent it from sinking up the guard. “We declare you a the Hand of the Demon Lord, an extension of our will, in matters both domestic and foreign.”

The final word out of Roseanne’s mouth caught me by with surprise to the point I couldn’t stop myself from raising my head up at her in shock… and seeing the smug smirk on Roseanne’s face.

The absolute bitch… she knew that handling things on the continent was well within my ability… so she was going to send me out the rest of the world.

She was going to have me use my reputation in places where I couldn’t afford to be an asshole, because I was going to be far from my seat of power!

How fucking long have you been planning this, woman!?

Don’t you know it’s freaking unhealthy to obsess over other people!?

“Rise, Hikigaya Hachiman, and heed my words of your purpose!” I stood and matched Roseanne’s gaze. She loomed over me with her sword looking like very bit the Demon Lord that she was supposed to be. “Improve your retainers here, grant them greater responsibility, and entrust with them the growth of this jewel that Kindred will protect with all their might… because we bid you to go south to the land of the sands and rekindle the pact between of Demon Lord and Pharaoh made long ago!”

Let’s see what’s going on here.

I was going off to get some serious firepower, which may or may not be hostile to the Kindred for reasons unknown, while Roseanne guarded Ylstu, studied it, and made sure to deter any attack by the Empire by her presence on the front. By the time I return, she’ll be finished studying everything and could happily skip over to her capital, while the Empire pushed the accelerator on their Invasion Mobile ™ to fight me before she got back.

Roseanne wins in just about every possible scenario in which I accept… and I couldn’t exactly refuse.

Or… so she thought.

It must’ve been a long time since any Demon Lord had to deal with a rival in their own Empire… because sending off a living hero with tons of money to an old ally that’s stopped responding to you?

Yeah.

That’s a bad move, if you pissed off that subordinate you’ve sent, y’know!?

You might've not noticed, but I can stop being an asshole when I want!