Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 66

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 66

…

Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

…

I finished writing on the chalkboard, looked over my work for any spelling errors, and turned to my class.

I pointed at the first phrase I wrote down at the very top of the chalkboard.

“This is the most common way the Kindred will show their interest.” I looked over the words, took a second to shield my pride for the sake of the kids, and uttered them aloud. “Hey there, I’m hot, bothered, and ovulating right now.” I spoke in the most deadpan voice as I could, while a room of thirty young men looked at me. A part of my soul was dying, but I persevered for the sake of the greater good. “Why don’t we fuck?”

I gathered up the grains scratched off my soul from saying those words carefully in hopes that they might latch onto once again in the future.

However, I had a job to do for the sake of the future, so I perservered.

“What is the correct response to that phrase?”

A hand shot up.

I nodded towards the kid, because I was still recovering from my efforts, and couldn’t muster my own name instead of someone else’s. Though I might have gained certain qualities of leadership in my time here, the fact remains that I am a social introvert who’d rather say nothing than anything embarrassing. Therefore, without a semblance of a doubt, I was on my last legs after uttering those cursed words for my class.

“Sensei the right words would be: “fuck off, slut, I’m not interested. Get away from me before I call for help.” Ah, upon hearing those righteous words, a part of me was healed. The words weren’t just rote recitation. They were filled with righteousness and feeling that came straight from the heart, which would increase its effectiveness against Kindred by a thousandfold. Yes, that’s right, after a mere few months… I have taught scorn to my fellow man. I almost cried tears of joy. “If they continue to press onward, we are to blow our whistles, as well as search for the nearest lamppost to latch ourselves to: front first.”

I was tempted to clap and cry tears of joy, but I had an image to retain.

“Good. You took notes and listened to me. Now… is there any flaws in that plan?” I was a firm believer in letting others think for themselves, since I liked not thinking myself. While it was nice to input data and procedures into people’s brains, I preferred to make an operating system that could handle problems on its own. The less work I had to do the better. Oh, and I guess that would keep these kids safer. “Under what circumstances would saying those words, calling for an Amazon, and blowing that whistle be wrong?”

The same hand arose and I nodded at the kid.

“If we were not in Ylstu, or within a block radius of one of the Amazon stations, our efforts would be useless against a determined attacker.” The kid nodded sharply and proudly, while his classmates looked upon him with respect and approval as he crossed his arms. It was quite the feat, since he was in the middle of the package-wise, so half of the class was older than him. The kids I picked up and teaching were mostly between sixteen and eighteen. Honestly, it was miracle I had so many teenagers who weren’t trapped by Kindred into a life of carnal relations. “What could we possibly do, if we were not living in Ylstu?”

“Correct. The issue is in location, and as much as I’d like you all to stick around here in the future to handle some of the heat, I don’t plan on forcing any of you to stick around.” I mean, there was a bit of a lie in that. I was making sure to tell them what happened to men in the rest of the Kindred territories, as well as how it was better in Ylstu. Sure, it was the truth, but I was still technically pressuring them to stay… but in a way that I was totally fine with. I wasn’t chaining them down, holding them back with laws, or using magic to make them stay. “These phrases and words only matter outside if Ylstu if you have power, if you have a reputation, and a place that will come for you if something happens.”

The kid who answered my question grinned a little and leaned back on his chair.

Man, ladykillers like this guy are going to make my life easier in the future.

“So, as long as we work for Lord Hikigaya, we’ll be fine.” I nodded at that, but clarified.

“I have a lot of plans in the future, but what you should all be concerned about is learning all that you can, because I want to send you all out to teach everyone else what I’m teaching you.” I’d thought about using them as diplomats, but I knew that route would end with them using their bodies for leverage, so I decided to avoid that path. As officials from Ylstu, sent out to educate and make men across the Kindred nations better, they could effectively comb through the ranks of all the men under Kindred control, teach those who actually had brains, and start slowly building things up until men could actually get their rights enforced across all the Kindred territories. “You will listen, you will teach, and then you will be the leaders of the movement that will make sure we’re not just dicks to be used and fucked… so let’s keep going with the lesson, eh?”

With the class paying more attention, and suitably excited at their possible future, I continued efforts.

I won’t be teaching them for a while, since I was leaving soon to help with Henri’s issue, but there was plenty of material for them to study while I was gone.

…

Ashe peered at her new set of armor with glee.

“It is of amazing lightness!” Ashe preened, shook, and did all manner of stretches that wouldn’t have been out of place in a fetish book on instinct alone. The new armor the now-ponytailed Hellhound was given was suited for the upcoming journey into pirate territory. I’d hoped the Dwarves make a bubble-helmeted dive suit, but it wasn’t to be. The power of lewdness was too strong, and magical enchantments ensured that the Hellhound looked incredibly lewd. “I can move with greater ease than before!”

It was a high-leg, s one-piece swimsuit with armored leggings and elbow-length gloves in red and silver.

And, by high-leg, I mean a vertical line from crotch to sternum.

At the very least, it wasn’t the slingshot that the Dwarves sent the first time.

Thankfully, all of Ashe’s stretching wasn’t revealing anything, but that was because it was lewder than being naked.

I took a breath and focused on situation at hand.

“Oi, you can enjoy the armor later. You need to learn how to swim now.” Hellhounds and large bodies of water didn’t react well together. Typically, Ashe didn’t even bathe, as she just covered herself in fire and cleansed herself that way. However, if I was bringing Ashe along to track people down near the coastline, I figured it was time to nip that weakness in the bud. “Activate the greaves and walk towards the center of the pool.”

The pool was actually one of the artificial hot springs that I had constructed. There wasn’t much a point of constructing public pools when a river was so close by.

The hot spring was also shallow and didn’t have currents like the river, so if anything went wrong, Ashe would be okay.

“I am of understanding!” Ashe perked up once given orders, her tail wagging and pointed ears straightening atop her head. A fanged grin spread across her lips while the fiery glow surrounding her eyes burned a little brighter.  But she didn’t rush forward and do what she was told without any thoughts. She nodded in my direction, looked at the hot pool of water, and carefully considered her situation. “Beginning mission!”

Cell-phone-chan, A’Bel, and Henri did a good job training her. She went from being barely capable of understandings speech to being able to acknowledge protocol like it was second nature.

Ashe walked forward with certainty, and hesitated at the edge of the water, but walked onward after gathering her courage. The moment her armored feet touched the ground, a barrier formed upon her feet, and she began to walk on water as easily as she walked on land.

I watched her take a few more tentative steps, until she reached the center of the pond, before starting to gather information.

“How long can you keep the enchantment up?”

“I am of believing that I can use it for days, if only using this magic. But when fighting I am of using much power.” Ashe considered the question with a furrowed brow and held out her hand. Soon enough a bright flame was surging within her palm, until it became a sphere of hellfire. A’Bel gave a hum of interest from… somewhere, and a Kunoichi or two moved in the shadows at the sight of the devastating spell. I left the worrying to them. “If I am making many attacks from far away, I will not last long on the sea. I must fight with hands and fists.”

“That’s fine. I’d rather you fight in close range anywhere, anyway.” With the expedition having Henri aboard, and the Goblins cooking a few ranged weapons the Amazons can use, ranged attacks can be left to them. Ashe was better off in her element, which was in close-combat, tearing through anything close to her. “Now, it’s time for you to try swimming. Turn off your boots.”

“I am of understanding.” Ashe stated.

Then, I waited.

Waited.

And, waited some more.

I looked up after a Kunoichi tilted her head in the shadows at me, as if wondering if I hadn’t noticed the distinct lack of splash.

“Ashe?”

“I am of many apologies. When I go into water, it brings harm to my friends. Fatigue comes to me, as well.” Flash-boil. Ashe’s instinctual reaction to water was to burn it away. Add her to a large enough pool of water, more than she could boil, and she’d rapidly lose power as she uses it to try and boil it away. The steam generated also surges outward and hurts other people. However, her new collar should stop that, and I told her already. “I am beginning now. I am of trusting of your gifts, Chieftain.”

It wasn’t a gift, and I was her Lord and not her Chieftain, but I let it pass as she touched the gem upon her throat and it glowed.

The fire around her eyes died as the collar typically used to restrain her kind’s magic activated under her control.

I’m sure in the history books, Ashe will be recorded as the first of her kind who willingly put one on and had the ability to turn it on and off.

But that’s more because people were terrified of her and her people.

Me?

I wanted my walking WMD functional anywhere.

“I am using it now!” With a mighty declration, closed eyes, and flattened ears, Ashe activated the magic collar and deactivated the magic on her greaves. She promply sank… barely waist deep into the hot spring. There was no sudden burst of steam, or a sudden case of utterly weakened Hellhound, so I considered the collar a success. “Oh! That was… of utmost ease!”

“Yep. Congratulations. You can take baths now, if you want.” Ashe played with the water a little. Thankfully, she cleansed herself with fire regularly, so the scent of wet dog didn’t suddenly saturate the hot spring. Overall, it was a good, expected result. “Now, A’Bel’s going to teach you hot to swim in this, and you’ll be swimming upstream tomorrow, until we leave. It should be easy.”

“I am of understanding, Chieftain!” Ashe gave a grin and saluted my directed. The wagging tail and large grin made the whole affair a lot less formal, but it returned it nonetheless. Unlike a lot of other people, the Hellhound was at least trying to be disciplined. “I am ready for lessons, Lady A’Bel!”

I turned around to leave the two only to walk straight into A’Bel who snuck up behind me.

Ah.

So, that’s where that slight-shot swimsuit went.

…

I read over Tanis’s report, as the Lamia looked over my latest series of answers to Roseanne.

The Goblins were proving the be more troublesome than anticipated, because a rivalry between them and the Dwarves were picking up. It was the classic rivalry between cutting boards and shortstacks, but since they were both lolis, I cared only about the fact their rivalry was in my city and set to escalate to clashes if I didn’t do something about it.

If I were some charismatic genius, I’d take the leaders of the two groups aside, talk to them, and convince them to get along.

Since I was a terrible person, I decided on a way to settle things that were better for me, and put sides under my thumb.

“Give both the Goblins and the Dwarves the same number of stalls in the next festival. They’re going to be competing against one another for a prize under a monitored competition.” Using forbidden, corporate knowledge, I constructed a plan to put the two sides against one another, enclose their conflict, and use it to my advantage, while making excuses to punish them if they step out of the box I’d constructed. “If they fuck around, they lose stalls, and lose the chance to make money, and tell the other side they’re better.”

Festival stalls are also taxed, so their competition will also make me money, so I win no matter who gets the prize of being better than the other.

Therefore, it was the perfect solution.

Tanis scribbled down my plan, and scooched over closer to me to show me her notes, and brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“Is this correct? This is what the “United States” did in order to overcome numerous strong points on the way to the enemy homeland?”

I was sure that many conservative Japanese individuals would screech at me for not using Nobunaga as a source for all military strategies, but if I had more recent knowledge at my disposal, I found no reason to use the most recent example to my advantage.

So, while keeping in mind the Empire’s vast territory filled with city-fortresses in a sea of farmland, I provided the Kindred with the best overall strategy for them to follow in the coming conflict.

I had to use blitzkrieg to make up for my small military.

The Kindred with all their supplies, numbers, and weapons?

Yeah.

Giving them the strategy of “throw your industry at the enemy” was the best bet.

“Yep. That’s right.”