Words words words

Okay, get ready for words. Lots of words.

I'm always wondering what the people on Patreon are thinking. You people are my lifeline when Youtube can't provide so I have been striving to provide more value to you.

This post here is an open forum. I want to hear, not only your unfiltered thoughts on the direction of the channel, but I am also curious about what you would like to see as well.

In other words, whaddya want outta me?

Lately I've been doing some experiments, and they turned out the way I thought they would. A small group of people loving it, while the vast majority leave within the first few minutes dooming the whole expedition to starvation in the woods.

As you know, for a very long time, I focused down on video games because it seemed sustainable, and for a while, it was, but over time, it has changed.

The channel has stagnated, growth is slow, the economy has rolled over, exposing its belly, and I am balancing on a thin rope looking down at a long drop to the concrete.

Videos that should be hits are flops. The more effort I put in, the less of a return I get. I've moved on, so to speak, mentally.

I have videos I want to do, but it isn't inspiring me the same way the spur of the moment rants are because games are a money chaser, a product and those seeming rants are the things I'm actually passionate about.

Once you've been away from something long enough, it's difficult going back because that time away has given you perspective. Perhaps the reason you aren't successful or as successful as you THINK you deserve to be, is due to the fact that you aren't as passionate about your projects as you used to be.

Especially if you've grown tired. Lately I've been making the videos that I want to make for a month or so, and it feels great. It's cathartic to be able to say all the things you've wanted to say for years but were afraid to because it could easily lead to your economic doom.

Catharsis is nice now and then, but you gotta eat.

I think I'm afflicted. Maybe with jealousy, maybe with self doubt, or a mixture of all that and everything in between.

I've watched as my channel sat, for years, in the same, immobile position no matter what I do.

I've agonized over the bi-polar nature of my channel, seeing line go up one day, and down another.

I've dealt with the ensuing depression, and watched as my family fails to deal with my unhealthy mood swings.

I've given genuine but slightly jealous congratulations as friends rise like a puberty stricken dick while I sit wondering when it'll be my turn. I'm reminded of a quote from Gore Vidal.

"Whenever a friend succeeds, I die a little." In other words, why not me! I'm pretty right? I'm smart right? Aren't I? You ask your friends as they shift uncomfortably from one foot to another.

"Yeah... Of course, right guys?" Your friends nod.

But they aren't telling you the truth because they love you and want what's best for you and telling you the truth, in their estimation, is not what's best for your mental health.

Languishing in mediocrity is no better. Emotionally, you're robbing Paul to pay Peter.

Many of us wish for more and see the object of our desire right there just inches from the tips of our fingers.

A lot of us get to watch as our dream gets further and further away from us. Disappearing into the vanishing point beyond the horizon.

When a friend asks for your opinion on something they drew, or wrote, or whatever, what this really is is a cry for help. Help me! I'm lost, and I have no idea what to do about it.

What I've learned is that even though this is their deepest desire, what they really want is confirmation that the world is unfair, that they're a misunderstood genius and unfortunately, born in the wrong period in time.

There's no chance the world will get more fair so, it's okay to give up.

I was dating a writer. She tried for years to get a story off the ground, but couldn't get a publisher. She was thinking about self publishing so she sent me her manuscript to get my opinion on it.

Now by this point, I had experienced what it is like to give someone you care about your honest opinion on something. It never turns out well because they don't see the intentions behind your words, they only hear the criticisms.

And they hate you for it.

I dodged a bullet, to be honest, but it serves as a reminder to me that even though it hurts, I should always be open to criticism when the criticism is in good faith, but even bad faith has a nugget of wisdom to glean.

I shouldn't take offense to criticism because it comes from a place of wanting me to be successful. A helping hand to lift you up when you get to the top of the ladder instead of kicking it down before you can get to the top.

So, I pose the question to you. What would you like to see me do? What would you like to see me do better? And most of all, do you think I'm pretty?

Alright everyone. Hang in there, stay safe and remember... It's polite to keep your opinions to yourself so, make sure to be rude.