I'm not doing well. Now what?

Hey you!

I know I've been gone for a while. Time flies. Especially when you're trying to avoid it, right?

At first, I buried myself under a pile of projects and work, and then I realized my work addiction was just another way to avoid dealing with a fact: I am not doing well. Which scares me a lot. Because I've been trying so hard to keep going since I got back to France. I had a new version of me to build and not enough time to grief the one I left. As someone with bipolar disorder, down times are scary. Because I know how deep they can be, and how hard it often is to get out of it. So instead of dealing with it, I kept telling myself it was "just a bad day", over and over. I was waking up with anxiety attacks, that wouldn't leave my side until I went to bed. But sometimes, there was breaks, so everything was fine. Right? 

I'm glad I got the courage to admit to myself what was actually going on. The problem wasn't my work load, my relationship with some people or my situation. I was just not doing well. 

But the more I grow, and the more I hate passively staring at problems without finding solutions. So I decided to acknowledge what changed in my daily habits since the last time I felt great and kindly but surely transition to a more healthy lifestyle, again. Not magical, but it helps. I removed Instagram from my phone, took a few days off, informed the people around me that my mental health was pretty fucked lately (that was the scariest part, since I absolutely hate talking about this side of me), gave myself little daily goals, and talked to myself like I would to my closest friend, which I am. I also got an appointment with a psychiatrist (which is so hard to get in France for some reason), added to my classic therapy sessions.

And then, day after day, anxiety attacks got a bit smaller, and a bit more rare. I stopped shaking everytime people tried to contact me, my belly stopped hurting, waking up became easier,  etc. etc. 

It is so reassuring to know that even if bad times still exist, no matter how hard I try to avoid them, I am getting better at managing them. Everything passes. The good, and the bad. Everything changes. 

If you're in a down side, if you're feeling quite stressed, sad or angry, take time to deal with it. Nothing disappears just because you ignore it. Be kind enough to yourself to make your mental health your priority. I know how scary it can seem at first, but it'll never be as scary as if you didn't take care of it. Go step by step, gently. You'll fail sometimes, and that's just a good reminder that you're human. 

I'm sorry I stayed silent for these past weeks, and I am so thankful you sticked around. I hope you're doing well. :) 

Talk to you soon,

Flavie.