In my head - happy recommendations for sad times.

Today, I want to talk about this ideal place I dream about so often.

These past years, for many personal reasons, my whole world shattered. Outside, but also inside. I don't recognize myself and I don't recognize what I see, or the way I look at it. I feel like this time when I went back to Disneyland, I was a little bit too old and the magic was gone. All I was seeing was the paint falling apart, the loose cables, the fake smiles... I used to be obsessed with Disney. It was my little paradise where everything was possible. But at this exact moment all of that didn't exist anymore. Impossible became a thing.

It's the same with life. I used to love it. Everything about it. Even the bad. I embraced every emotion and was ready for the next one. But now this constant energy is completely discharged. I don't get excited anymore. I avoid everything. I am disenchanted completely. I don't find interest in anything. Everywhere I look, I only see grey. I don't care about waking up, I don't care about meeting new people, I don't care about trying to be happy. I fought too much and I lost every piece of me in the battle.

But when I close my little eyes, I dream about a place where joy would be daily.

I've never been to this place. It's only in my head. It's a complete fiction based on other fictions. Real ones.

It's a cute place where all the neighbors are friends. They hangout together late at night on their porch and cry in each other's arms. They all feel comfortable being themselves and care about every single one of them. They have dreams and a future. They don't have to be defensive because they are safe. It's all about kindness, compassion and growth. They are enthusiastic and curious. And super Queer. They talk about the world and eat together all the time. I can hear their laughs. There is no borders, no patriarchy and no capitalism.

In this ideal world, I am not scared anymore. I laugh with them, like I used to. I believe in myself, like I should. I build for the future, like I wish I could. I can picture myself removing every brick of the gigantic wall I built around me and finally let go. I can finally trust people and stop testing them constantly. And stop testing myself.

This world in my little head has evolved because of a few good examples I would love to highlight today. Seeing  safe spaces, even fictional, inspired me to create mine, hidden in a couple of brain cells.

* Love & Luck Podcast
I tried so many times to listen to podcasts but I can't focus on only one thing at a time, so I gave up. Until I tried Love & Luck. I remember myself holding into every episode at my darkest times, like a lighthouse in the storm. It feels so good to hear the story of people who give and receive such a wonderful love. I cried at every single positive moment, 'cause I was so happy and relieved for these fictional characters to be preserved from the real world. 

* Shameless (US)
Alright, Shameless is kind of the black swan of this selection, but it still deserves its place. It's one of the rare times I see representation of love and care in a toxic familial environment. They go through shit, but they do it together. Seeing emotionally privileged people giving/receiving love is one thing, but I don't necessarily connect with it. In Shameless, I see them becoming stronger and closer everytime they get hurt and this is so inspiring. They love each other fully for who they are and know that they are only at the beginning of their growth. They fuck up, they make mistakes, but they constantly learn from it.

* Sense8
This show will always feel like family to me. It portrays exactly what I was talking about. These people caring about each other on a deep level. They see each other. I remember my first Christmas in Austin, I was terribly alone and completely broken in a city I didn't know. I decided to host a vegan Christmas at the apartment, with people I barely knew. For me, Christmas is a family holiday and spending it like that made no sense but whatever. The special Christmas episode was out at the time, so I decided to watch it while cooking. For the first time in a very long time, while watching this episode, I felt like I spent Christmas with people who actually cared about each other and it was magical.

* Merle
She clearly deserves a shoutout! When I got her, she had no idea what love was. I remember the first time I saw her playing, it was obvious she never did it before and panicked because she didn't recognize herself. Three years later, she is a playful funny loving baby and every new progress she makes amazes me. She loves me like I've always secretly dreamt of being loved: unconditionally. And I do too. Everyday our love for each other intensifies and I really feel like she is my best friend. She knows me better than anyone and can feel in a heartbeat what's going on with me. She forces me to take a break to enjoy the moment when I need it, and I miss her so much as soon as we are apart for too long (meaning: a couple of hours). She is a part of every single decision I make. Always. Her happiness matters as much as mine and I am truly grateful that she allows me to be vulnerable like I would never have been before.

* Tales of The City
I'm only at Episode 3 for now, but I need to talk about it. Watching it actually inspired me to write this article. The set up is exactly what I've been wanting for so long: people have their own privacy but share a lot with each other, they are excited and exciting, they are alive.
And they have Christmas lights. 

I want to see more representation where people like me are safe, loved and happy. But I also want to find real people who make me feel that way. That help me deconstructing the great wall around me. People who see me and who I see. I want to live in a place where decisions are easy to make and surprises aren't scary. I want to stop feeling alone, and while I watch, listen or pet these wonderful things I listed above, for a brief instant, the world in my head and the one under my feet get mixed and it feels good.

I didn't have much filters while writing this article so I hope I didn't trigger anything bad for you. If I did, I am extremely sorry.

Don't worry about me, I am coming back from a really dark moment and unfortunately it takes way longer than I was expecting. Recovery can be slow and tiring. I know I am going towards a better mindset and colors will be back. :)

Have an amazing week!!