Nurse Jaune

Short thing inspired by people on my discord. Might make a chapter 2 if people are interested in more of this.

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Jaune always thought he was pretty unlucky. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong everything. That was basically his life motto. Born with a Huntsman dad who refused to train him or any of his sisters. It was too dangerous, he said. Too risky. Better if he stayed in the family farm and learned to till the land and grow the crops.

So when the acceptance letter to Beacon Academy arrived, complete with an official seal and everything, he'd nearly fainted right then and there on his family's front porch. His mom's nursing training had finally paid off, he thought. All those hours learning to give shots to his seven sisters, bandaging scraped knees, and dealing with Saphron's dramatic reactions to paper cuts finally meant something after all.

Sure, it wasn't for the Huntsman program. And sure, his mom basically forced him into those nursing courses after his fifteenth "I'm totally going to become a legendary hero" declaration ended with him accidentally setting the barn on fire. But hey, Beacon was Beacon, right? The most prestigious academy in all of Vale where legends were born and dreams came true and all that inspirational fairy tale stuff he grew up listening to.

Oh, what an idiot he was.

As it turned out, there was a very good reason the nurse position at Beacon Academy was "surprisingly available" and "desperately seeking qualified candidates." Most sane people - keyword being sane - took one look at the job description and ran screaming in the opposite direction. Because apparently, nobody had bothered to mention in the brochure that future Huntsmen were absolutely, completely, one-hundred-percent insane.

Jaune had learned hard way during his first week when a blonde girl - Yang something - casually mentioned over her dislocated shoulder treatment that she'd "accidentally" blown up a nightclub before classes even started. Accidentally. Like you accidentally put salt in your coffee or accidentally wore mismatched socks, not accidentally leveled half a city block because someone made fun of your hair. And apparently Beacon didn't care since, you know, she wasn't rejected for it.

But that was just the tip of the crazy iceberg. The real kicker? These death-defying, Grimm-punching, building-destroying teenagers were absolutely terrified of needles. Not "mildly uncomfortable" or "would prefer to avoid them" terrified. No, this was full-blown, dramatic, "I'm gonna fucking die!" level terror that made someone think he was trying to perform surgery with a rusty spoon instead of giving them a freaking vaccination shot.

He'd tried everything. Gentle reassurance didn't work - they just stared at him like he was speaking ancient Mistrali. Bribery was a bust too. Apparently, even premium lollipops couldn't overcome their phobia. One girl with a red cape - sorry, cloak, she was really insistent on that - actually tried to negotiate with him, offering to clean the entire infirmary if he'd just "maybe forget" about her tetanus shot. When he refused, she threw the mother of all puppy dog eyes at him.

The girl - Ruby - could move faster than the human eye could track, but a tiny little pinprick? Might as well have been asking her to wrestle a King Taijitu with her bare hands.

And now, Jaune was staring at his schedule with the kind of dread usually reserved for people facing horrible execution. Tomorrow was vaccination day - the quarterly immunization update that every student at Beacon was required to receive. Normally, this would be Dr. Oobleck's problem. The hyperactive professor might've talked a mile a minute and drank enough coffee to kill a Goliath, but at least he had actual medical credentials and years of experience dealing with superpowered teenagers. Plus, you know, Huntsman level training.

But not this time. Dr. Oobleck had "conveniently" come down with the flu. Or food poisoning, or exhaustion, or whatever excuse let him escape the building before tomorrow's medical apocalypse. Which left Jaune, armed with nothing but his mom's nursing training and a rapidly dwindling supply of colorful band-aids, to face the entire student body of Beacon Academy.

Alone.

He was pretty sure this violated several labor laws, possibly some human rights conventions, and definitely his will to live. But when he tried to bring it up to Headmaster Ozpin, the man just smiled that mysterious smile of his and said something cryptic about "valuable learning experiences" and "character building." Jaune was starting to think Ozpin's definition of character building was suspiciously similar to cruel and unusual punishment that would've gotten him punished for war crimes.

Patient 1: Ruby Rose

The next day arrived with all the mercy of a Nevermore diving for prey, and Jaune found himself staring at his first victim - patient, he reminded himself, not victim - of the day. Ruby Rose stood in the doorway of the infirmary like she was preparing to enter a torture chamber, which, honestly, wasn't too far from how Jaune was feeling about the whole situation either. He cursed both Dr. Oobleck and Headmaster Ozpin again.

He didn't know much about her beyond the basics: fifteen-year-old prodigy, weapon of mass destruction disguised as gardening equipment, and apparently capable of moving fast enough to leave rose petals floating in mid-air like some kind of fairy tale character. Oh, and she was the same girl who'd literally cried over a tetanus shot last month. Actual tears. Over a needle barely thicker than a hair.

This was going to suck.

The feeling only got worse when Ruby stepped into the room and immediately deployed what Jaune's little sisters had taught him to recognize as the most devastating weapon in any young girl's arsenal: the dreaded puppy dog eyes.

"Hey there, Jaune!" she chirped, voice pitched just a little too high, silver eyes growing three sizes larger than should have been physically possible. Her lower lip jutted out in a pout that could have melted the heart of a Deathstalker, "You know, I was thinking... maybe we could just say I got my vaccination? Like, it could be our little secret?"

Jaune felt his resolve wobble like a newborn kitten trying to walk. Those eyes should have been classified as a war crime. He'd seen grown men crumble under less weaponized cuteness. Dad once bought Lily a pony when she gave him that look, and he was the guy who stared down Sabyrs.

But Jaune was made of sterner stuff. He'd survived seven sisters - seven - who'd collectively perfected the art of manipulation through adorableness on him better than against their parents. He'd been vaccinated against this exact tactic through years of "Can we keep the stray cat?" and "I didn't mean to break your guitar, can you please not tell Mom?"

"No," he said, trying to channel every ounce of big brother authority he'd ever possessed.

Ruby's eyes somehow managed to get even bigger, which looked adorable instead of falling right into the creepy uncanny valley, "But what if I brought you cookies? Really good ones! Chocolate chip, or snickerdoodles, or- oh! What if I set you up with Yang?! She thinks you're cute in a 'lost puppy' kind of way!"

Cute in a lost puppy kind of way? Jaune filed that particular ego crusher away for later and forced himself to stay focused. And ignore the fact that Ruby literally just tried to pimp out her sister to avoid getting a shot. He picked up the syringe with as much seriousness as he could muster, which was a lot since he managed to keep his grip completely still. Steady as a rock. No shaking at all.

Ruby's eyes darted to the needle like it was a live Grimm. Her whole body tensed, muscles coiling like she was about to bolt for the door at supersonic speed knowing Jaune couldn't stop her, "You know," he said, inspiration striking like lightning, "Your scythe is still in your rocket locker, isn't it?"

She blinked, clearly confused by the sudden change in topic, "Uh, yeah? Why do you- "

"Well, if you leave this room without getting your shot," Jaune said, trying to look like someone who definitely had the authority to make good on threats, "I'll have to report it to the system. And the system will automatically lock your locker until you come back and get your vaccination. No scythe access until you get your shot."

It was complete and utter bullshit, of course. Jaune had about as much control over the rocket locker system as he did over the weather. But Ruby didn't know that, and the look of dawning horror on her face made it clear she was buying it completely, "You're bluffing," she said, but her voice cracked like she was going through puberty all over again. Which was impressive considering she was already reaching dog whistle ranges normally.

Jaune raised an eyebrow and tried to look mysterious and authoritative instead of someone who was making things up as he went along, "Do you really want to call my bluff?" Please don't call his bluff. He didn't have a Plan B.

For a moment, Ruby looked like she might actually cry. Her silver eyes got glassy, her bottom lip trembled, and Jaune felt like the absolute worst person in the history of Remnant. But then she let out the most defeated sigh in human history and rolled up her sleeve with all the enthusiasm of someone preparing for their own execution. Jaune felt like he was the executioner.

"This is so not fair..." she muttered, then squeezed her eyes shut so tight her whole face scrunched up like an adorable raisin. She turned her head as far away from her exposed arm as physically possible, as if not looking at the injection site would somehow make it hurt less. A tactic he'd seen from his own little sisters.

Jaune positioned the needle, trying to be as gentle as possible. The moment it touched her skin - not even breaking skin yet, just touching - Ruby let out a whimper that could have broken hearts in all four kingdoms, "Is it over?" she whispered, voice tiny and wobbly.

"I haven't even started yet."

"What?" He winced. There was the dog whistle.

The actual injection lasted maybe three seconds, but Ruby's performance made it seem like a medieval torture session that lasted years. Even though it literally took a much time as to blink, she somehow managed to let out a series of increasingly dramatic whimpers, each one higher pitched than the last. To make it worse, each one was punctuated by sniffles that sounded suspiciously like she was trying not to full-on sob. Her free hand gripped the edge of the examination table so hard Jaune was genuinely worried she might crush it with Aura-enhanced strength.

"Ow ow ow ow ow," she chanted under her breath like some kind of pain mantra, tears actually leaking from her squeezed-shut eyes, "This is the worst day ever. Worse than when I dropped my cookies. Worse than when I got gum in my hair. Worse than-" She sniffed "-when Yang put hot sauce in my milk. Worse than when Weiss- "

"I finished seconds ago, Ruby," Jaune said, gesturing to the patch of skin covered by a band-aid that had beowolves wearing party hats.

Ruby cracked one eye open, then the other, looking down at her arm like she couldn't quite believe she'd survived the ordeal. The tears were still there, making her silver eyes even shinier than usual, and her nose was slightly red from all the sniffling, "I'm... I'm alive?" she asked in wonder, like she'd just emerged from a battle with a Grimm horde.

"Yeah, you're alive," Jaune said, trying not to sigh at how relieved she looked, "See? That wasn't so bad."

Ruby gave him a look that could have melted steel, "Not so bad? Not so bad? I saw my life flash before my eyes, Jaune!"

Jaune was pretty sure she was being dramatic, but considering he still had twnty nine more students to go, he decided not to argue the point.

Patient 2: Weiss Schnee

When Weiss Schnee walked through the infirmary door, Jaune felt a tiny spark of hope flicker to life in his chest. Finally someone who might actually act like a reasonable human being. She was the prim and proper type, wasn't she? All etiquette lessons and fancy manners and all that junk. She knew how to handle minor medical procedures without making this a gigantic scene. She'd get in, get her shot, then get a lollipop for being a good patient.

She'd be different, he thought. She wouldn't make this into a gigantic pain in the ass like literally everyone else at this insane school.

Weiss sat in the chair across from him with practiced elegance, legs cross gracefully. She looked him dead in the eye with the kind of calculating expression that made him suddenly understand why people were afraid of corporate board meetings. Fine, whatever. This would be-

"Name your price."

And just like that, Jaune felt his hope drain away faster than pizza disappeared on family movie night.

"I'm sorry, what?" he asked, though he had a sinking feeling he knew exactly what she meant.

"How much will it cost for you to let me walk out of here and forge the records to show that I received my vaccination?" She spoke like she was talking about the weather, like bribing a (sort-of) medical professional was just another Tuesday morning activity.

Jaune blinked. Then blinked again, "I... I can't accept bribes to fake your vaccination. That's illegal. And unethical. And probably about twelve other things that would get me fired and possibly arrested."

Without missing a beat, Weiss reached into her skirt and pulled out what looked like a credit card made of actual platinum. She placed it on the table between them like she was doing a mic drop, "Are you absolutely certain?" she asked, perfercty manicured eyebrow arched in a way that suggested she was used to getting what she wanted through the strategy of "I have a lot of money and I know it".

He stared at the card. He'd never seen that much potential money in one place before. For a brief, terrible moment, he imagined what he could do with access to Schnee level money. Pay off his family's farm, buy his sisters those fancy clothes they were always talking about, and maybe even afford to eat at a decent restaurant because everything in Vale was stuoidly expensive.

Jaune sook his head, "Very sure," he said, trying not to stare at the card. It was probably worth more than his entire education.

Weiss's expression shifted from 'reasonable businesswoman' to 'corporate shark who smelled blood in the water' so fast it gave Jaune whiplash, "I see. In that case, perhaps you should know that I can make life very, very difficult for you and your family. The Schnee name carries considerable weight in this kingdom, Mr. Arc. It would be unfortunate if that weight were to... shift in an unfavorable direction." She steepled her hands together like some kind of anime villain.

The threat hung in the air like a storm cloud, and Jaune had to admit, for most people, it would've been intimidating. Maybe it would've worked on someone who didn't grow up in a family where 'making life difficult' meant his sister putting salt in his orange juice or his mom assigning him extra chores for a month.

"My family are farmers," he said, leaning back in his chair, "We mostly sell vegetables to people in the local markets and co-ops. I really, really doubt the Schnee Dust Company is going to come after a bunch of people who grow fruits and veggies. Unless you're planning to corner the carrot market? Some really fierce competition there."

For the first time since entering the room, Weiss looked genuinely panicked. Her Perfectly Practiced Corporate Intimidation Routine™ apparently never accounted for someone who was too poor and rural to be meaningfully threatened, "Well then," she said, drawing herself up like she was preparing for her last stand, "I demand to speak to your manager."

"That would be Headmaster Ozpin," Jaune replied cheerfully, "Or Professor Goodwitch, depending on how you want to categorize the chain of command." The color drained from Weiss' face faster than when Ruby ran away from her last physical exam. Apparently, the idea of marching into Ozpin's office to complain about mandatory vaccinations was a bridge too far even for someone with her sense of entitlement.

She sat there for a long moment, looking like she was rapidly cycling through every negotiation tactic she'd ever learned and finding them all useless. The expression of utter defeat was damning. It was the face of someone who'd never been told "no" in her life.

Finally, with an expression that could have given Ruby's puppy dog eyes some serious competition in the 'pathetic pouting' category, she rolled up her sleeve and stuck her arm out like she was offering it up for sacrifice, "This is completely barbaric," she muttered, turning her head away and squeezing her eyes shut just like Ruby did.

The sound she made when the needle actually pierced her skin was like the noise expensive crystal made when it shattered. High, sharp, and somehow exactly what Jaune would've expected from someone who probably had her food pre-cut to avoid the trauma of using a knife.

"There," Jaune said, applying a band-aid decorated with tiny smiling Ursa. He pressed the band-aid with just a bit more force than necessary, "All done."

Weiss opened her eyes and examined her arm like she was checking for permanent damage. Then, with the kind of audacity that could probably be seen from space, she looked up at him with an expectant expression, "Don't I get a lollipop for being such a model patient?"

Jaune stared at her. This was the same girl who'd just tried to bribe him, then threaten him, then demand to speak to his manager, all to avoid a vaccination that lasted literally three seconds.

"Threats and attempted bribery disqualify you from the good patient rewards program," he said, feeling a little petty but also deeply satisfied, "You can leave now."

Weiss's jaw dropped like he'd just told her that dust wasn't real and gravity was optional, "That's...That's completely unreasonable!"

"Have a nice day, Miss Schnee."

She grumbled under her breath as she stood up, grabbed her credit card, and stomped her way outside, heels clicking loudly against the tiled floor.

Patient 3: Yang Xiao Long

Yang Xiao Long strutted into the infirmary like she owned the place, all swagger and confidence and that trademark cocky grin that had probably gotten her into (and out of) trouble more times than Jaune could count. Her blonde hair practically bounced with each step, and she planted herself in the chair with the kind of dramatic flair that suggested she'd been practicing the entrance. Jaune just gave her a long-suffering look.

"Alright, nurse boy," she said, cracking her knuckles like she was preparing for a boxing match instead of a simple vaccination, "Let's get this show on the road. I'm ready to rock and roll. No crying, no whimpering, no begging. Nothin'. Yang Xiao Long doesn't back down from some tiny ass needle!"

Jaune raised an eyebrow, already sensing that this was going to be a disaster of epic proportions. In his experience, people who had to announce how brave they were usually weren't...mostly because he'd done it himself. But hey, maybe Yang would be different. Maybe she'd actually be as tough as she claimed.

He should've known better.

The moment Jaune picked up the syringe, Yang's entire mood changed. Her arms clamped against her sides like she was trying to protect herself from an incoming attack, and she started... well, there wasn't really a better word for it than powering up,

"Okay, okay, I got this," she muttered, closing her eyes and taking deep, exaggerated breaths, "Just gotta focus my chi. Channel my inner strength. I am Yang Xiao Long, destroyer of nightclubs, puncher of Ursa, fear me you tiny piece of medical equipment!" Jaune moved closer with the needle, and Yang immediately threw up a hand, "Wait! Wait, I'm not ready yet! "I'm not ready yet! Give me like... thirty more seconds!"" She started bouncing in her seat, pumping her fists like she was getting ready to bench press a Goliath, "Gotta get in the zone! Feel the burn! Embrace the power!"

It continued a solid minute. Yang would hype herself up with increasingly ridiculous motivational phrases - something about being a golden dragon of unstoppable force - and then just as Jaune got within striking distance, she'd panic and start the whole process over again.

"I am fire! I am fury! I am- wait! hold on, let me just-" She took a deep breath "Okay, for real this time. I'm Yang! I'm awesome! I can totally handle a stupid little - no wait, not ready, give me another minute!"

It went on for twenty minutes. Twenty. Minutes. Jaune watched Yang cycle through what had to be every motivational speech and power-up sequence in the history of fiction, each one more ridiculous than the last. She quoted action movies, channeled anime protagonists, and at one point started doing what looked suspiciously like some kind of interpretive dance about courage.

By the time she launched into her seventh separate "pumping herself up" routine, Jaune's patience had officially died, been buried, and had flowers planted on its grave. His eye was starting to twitch, and he was pretty sure he could feel his sanity leaking out of his ears.

"I am the dragon! I am the-"

"Hey Yang!" Jaune said, pointing over her shoulder with his free hand, "What the hell is that behind you?!"

Yang immediately spun around in her chair, blonde hair whipping through the air as she looked for whatever threat that caught his attention, "What? Where? Is it a Grimm? Did Ruby break something ? Is Blake hiding in the vents again?!"

Jaune struck with the speed of someone who'd grown up with seven sisters had learned to take advantage of every distraction. The needle slipped into her exposed arm, delivered the vaccination, and was pulled before Yang even realized what had happened.

"There," he said, capping the syringe with a satisfied click, "Done."

Yang turned back to face him, blinking in confusion. She looked down at her arm where a microscopic pinprick was, then back up at Jaune, then down at her arm again. Her brain seemed to be struggling to process what had just occurred.

"You... but I didn't... when did you..."

And then Yang Xiao Long, destroyer of nightclubs, terror of dance floors, the girl who punched her way through more problems than most people faced in a lifetime, looked down at the tiny needle mark on her arm and promptly fainted dead away.

She toppled backward in her chair with all the grace of a falling tree, blonde hair spreading across the floor like a blanket. For a beat, Jaune just stood there, staring at one of Beacon's most supposedly fearsome students with a dead look in his eyes.

He sighed, the sound echoing through the infirmary. With practiced efficiency born of dealing with his sisters' various dramatic episodes over the years, he grabbed Yang under the arms and hauled her onto the nearest examination bed. She was heavier than she looked - probably all that muscle from punching things - but he managed to get her settled with only minimal grunting.

"Completed," he muttered, making a check mark next to her name on his list, "Next."

Yang would probably wake up in a few minutes claiming she totally didn't faint like a little bitch. But for now, Jaune was just grateful for the temporary peace and quiet.

Patient 4: Blake Belladonna

Jaune's next patient didn't walk into the infirmary so much as get delivered. Professor Port wheeled in what appeared to be a human-sized animal cage with all the ceremony of a man delivering a particularly exotic zoo specimen. Blake Belladonna was crammed inside, crouched in a position that looked deeply uncomfortable and extremely undignified for someone who usually prided herself on grace and stealth. This was the girl who made falling on her (generous) ass look dignified.

"Tally ho!" Port said cheerfully, like he hadn't just brought in a caged teenager, "One Miss Belladonna, as requested! Had to pull her out of the ventilation shafts! Ho ho, good luck, my boy!" And with that, he practically sprinted out of the room, leaving Jaune alone with what was apparently Beacon's most elusive patient.

Blake immediately began rattling the bars of her cage with was much dignity as she could muster. Which wasn't much, "This is discrimination!" she yelled, amber eyes blazing with righteous fury, "You can't cage me just because I'm a Faunus! This is a violation of every civil rights law in Vale! I'll have Beacon shut down before the weeks' done!"

Jaune stared at the cage, trying to process the fact that his day had somehow escalated to the point where he was looking at a caged student like this was a perfectly normal Tuesday. Honestly, at this point, he wasn't even surprised. If someone told him the next patient needed to be hunted down through the Emerald Forest before they took their shot, he would have just shrugged and asked if he needed to bring his own tranquilizer darts.

"Blake," he said with the weary patience of someone who had already given up on life making sense, "If I let you out of there, will you let me give you your vaccination?" He already knew what the answer would be. He learned to recognize that particular gleam in a patient's eye - the one that said they were about to make his life way more difficult than it needed to be.

"Absolutely not!" Blake said, somehow managing to look defiant despite being folded into a space roughly the size of a large dog crate, "Everyone knows that vaccines are Atlas poison designed to control the Faunus population! They're injecting us with human cells to suppress our natural abilities! I'm not falling for your government conspiracy!"

Jaune slowly closed his eyes and counted to ten. Then he counted to ten again, just to be safe. Blake Belladonna - former White Fang member (cause apparently Ozpin had no issue with ex-terrorists at his school), master of stealth, apparently capable of reading entire novels in the time it took most people to blink - was an anti-vaxxer.

He had absolutely no idea if she genuinely believed the conspiracy theory nonsense she was spouting or if she was just playing it up to get out of her injection. With Blake, it was honestly impossible to tell. She could've been a secret genius playing 4D chess or she could've been completely serious about thinking the Atlesian military was using flu shots to mind-control cat people. Both seemed equally likely given his experiences at Beacon so far.

Either way, he was definitely not getting paid enough for this.

Time to bring out the big guns.

"I'll be right back," Jaune said, stepping out of the infirmary and leaving Blake to continue her very loud and very creative rant about civil liberties and Faunus rights. He returned a minute later carrying what was possibly the most powerful weapon in his arsenal: Zwei, Professor Qrow's corgi. The little dog was practically vibrating with excitement, tongue lolling out and tail wagging fast enough to generate its own wind current.

The moment Blake saw the dog, she went absolutely feral. And not in the cool, ninja-like way she usually did. This was pure, primal, cat-meets-dog panic, "No!" she shrieked, pressing herself as far back into the cage as physically possible, "You keep that THING away from me!" Wow, he felt offended for the little guy. Zwei, for his part, only got happier with Blake's reaction and immediately started trying to stick his nose through the bars of the cage, tail wagging even harder.

"Here's the deal, Blake," Jaune said, holding Zwei like he was brandishing the world's fluffiest sword, "Either you stick your arm through those bars and let me give you your shot, or I'm putting Zwei in there with you. And I've seen this little guy squeeze through spaces way smaller than the gaps in that cage." It wasn't an empty threat. Once, Zwei somehow managed to fit himself through the mail slot in Team RWBY's room door, apparently just because he thought it'd be fun. The laws of physics seemed to be more like friendly suggestions when it came to this particular corgi.

Blake let loose with a string of profanity that would have made a Menagerie sailor blush, which he didn't wanna repeat because it was pretty offensive even by Beacon standards. But eventually, with the kind of defeated rage that only came from being completely and utterly outmaneuvered, she thrust her arm through the bars, "I hate you," she snarled as Jaune quickly administered the injection, "I hate this school. I hate vaccines. I hate dogs. I hate-"

"All done," Jaune said, stepping back and releasing Zwei. The corgi immediately lost interest in Blake and wandered off to sniff something more entertaining...by jumping five feet out the window. He wasn't worried. Little guy was almost indestructible.

Blake was still ranting about her rights and the systematic oppression of Faunus when Jaune wheeled her cage back outside and left it in the hallway for someone else to deal with. Twenty-six more patients to go today, and he was already considering a career change. Maybe going back to the family farm wasn't a bad idea.