Hidden Virgin, Crouching Spartan - Crack Oneshot

Sorry for the delay. Kingdom Come Deliverance 2 came out and I've been obsessed. Anyway, this is a oneshot proof of concept that I wrote up cause of a discord discussion. Probably won't continue it since it's was more a shitpost.

Jaune Musuo 2 coming out soon. Then chapter 3 of Maid Jaune.

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Jaune lived every day walking a razor's edge, his every interaction carefully measured, his every word calculated, his every step taken with the weight of a man who knew that one slip - one tiny, insignificant mistake - could bring everything crashing down around him. Not because he'd done something wrong. Not because he'd committed some heinous crime. No, that would've been understandable, at least. It was something way worse.

He was a virgin.

At twenty years old, Jaune was among the last of his kind, a statistical anomaly in a world that saw virginity past eighteen as something that needed to be fixed as soon as possible. The moment someone hit adulthood, they weren't just expected to find a partner - they were strongly encouraged to do so. No one would ever force you, of course, but if someone found out you were still a fresh, untouched virgin past your eighteenth birthday? That made you a prize. Something rare. And the longer you stayed that way, the more people wanted to be the one to take the title off your hands.

Jaune had managed to keep his secret buried for two years now, and every single day was a fight for survival.

If anyone found out the truth about him, they would've thought he was a freak. He didn't want to lose his virginity to some random woman (or man, Remnant never judged on that) as soon as the clock struck midnight. No, what he wanted was a pure love. To give up his first time to someone who he knew he'd spend the rest of his life with. Call him naive for it, but he still believed in the idea of a true romance. Finding a partner you knew was The One.

No one suspected him yet. His teammates and friends believed without a shred of doubt that he'd popped his cherry the moment he turned eighteen, just like everyone else at Beacon. If the truth ever came out - if Team RWBY or his team ever found out - he knew exactly what would happen. It wouldn't be immediate. They wouldn't pounce on him all at once. But they would start trying. Every subtle, casual, and sometimes aggressively unsubtle play in the book would be thrown at him. They would see it as their duty to help him "get over it."

And no matter how strong his resolve was, Jaune didn't know if he could hold out forever.

"Oh man, Jaune, you should've seen Yang's face when I told her!" Ruby's voice snapped him out of his spiraling thoughts, her tone as bright and chipper as ever as she sipped from her cup of milk. He liked Ruby. She was sweet. Innocent. The two of them were eating an early dinner at the cafeteria together.

Jaune blinked, pulling himself together before she could notice anything off about his expression, "Told her what now?" he asked, keeping his voice as casual as possible.

Ruby grinned and leaned forward against the table, her silver eyes sparkling with excitement, "That I finally did it."

Jaune almost choked on his drink. She didn't seem to notice, "I mean, I was wondering when it was gonna happen, but, y'know, things just lined up! So yeah, Yang's been giving me crap about it since I turned eighteen a week ago, but whatever. I wasn't gonna be the last one to do it."

Jaune kept his expression locked in a neutral, mildly interested look, despite the sheer existential horror currently taking place inside his brain, "Oh. Uh...nice?"

"Right?" Ruby beamed, taking another sip of her drink, "I kinda thought I'd be, like, nervous or something, but it wasn't a big deal at all. Just sorta happened, and now it's done! Way easier than I expected. I mean, you definitely get what I mean." She shot him a knowing look, "Yours was probably the same way, right?"

Jaune had to physically stop himself from flinching. The worst part of all of this wasn't what Ruby was saying - it was how completely casual she was about it. There wasn't a single hint of suspicion in her voice, not even a trace of doubt. She just assumed he was in the same boat. Because of course he was. Why wouldn't he be? If he hesitated even for a second, if he gave any indication that he wasn't exactly what she thought he was, he was done.

"Oh yeah! For sure," Jaune said quickly, flashing his most confident grin, "Super smooth. No nerves at all. Just, y'know...normal."

Ruby nodded,, "Knew it. You're always so chill about this stuff. Bet you've done it a ton of times."

Jaune, who had in fact done it zero times, felt the sweat building at the back of his neck, "Oh, you know. A few."

Ruby's grin widened, "Nooo way. You can't just say 'a few.' Come on, how many?"

Jaune swallowed, "Uh...kinda lost count, honestly. It all kinda blurs together when you do...the sex."

Ruby gasped, eyes wide with admiration, "Jaune! You dog!" She laughed sweetly. The contrast between her words and the way she sounded made him flinch. The first time he met Ruby, he briefly thought that maybe she was The One. They got along, they shared a lot of the same interests, and back then she seemed to think the same way he did. Caring about weapons was more important than getting her cherry popped, or so she said.

And now she was talking about her first time and musing about possibly joining an orgy down in Junior's club next week.

"W-Well, you know how it is," Jaune said quickly, trying to steer the conversation away before she could dig any deeper, "Girls just...throw themselves at you sometimes."

Ruby let out a laugh, shaking her head, "Okay, now you have to tell me a story."

Jaune felt every muscle in his body go stiff, "What?"

"A story! You gotta have some!" Ruby teased, smirking at him, "Come on, I love hearing about this kinda stuff. You can't just drop that and not have anything to back it up!"

Jaune's mind was blank. His pulse was pounding and he could hear his heartbeat in his ears. This was it. This was the test. If he fumbled here - if he hesitated for even a second - she'd know. Ruby might not be suspicious now, but the moment she realized he didn't have a single believable story to tell, the questions would start. And once they started, they wouldn't stop. She'd find out he was a virgin and then suddenly she wouldn't be his best friend. He'd be a unicorn. The only guy past 19 who hadn't gotten his cherry popped.

"Oh, man, there's just...so many to pick from," Jaune said, laughing a little too hard, "Like, wow, where do I even start?"

"Start with the best one!" Ruby said eagerly, "Who was the best?"

Jaune was internally screaming. He had two options. One, he could make something up, which was dangerous because he knew nothing about how this stuff actually worked outside of some weird manga Saphron had. Or two, he could dodge the question and pray she didn't push.

"Oh, well, I don't really rank people, you know?" Jaune said, forcing a casual shrug, "It's more about the, uh...experience. The connection. Everyone's special, good or bad."

Ruby nodded, "Ooooh. So you're a romantic." Jaune hesitated just a bit too long and she grinned, "That's adorable." He fought the urge to slam his head into the table, "I mean, I get it. Some people like the whole deep, emotional thing. They want some plot with their porn. Me? I just kinda wanted to get it over with. Like, y'know, rip the bandaid off." She finished off her milk and lipped her lips, "It's no big deal. Just grab someone and you can finish in like 15 minutes. Then you still have time to do weapons maintenance."

Jaune's grip on his fork tightened.

"I bet Weiss was super fancy about hers," Ruby hummed, tapping her fingers against the table, "Like, definitely candles. And Yang? Oh man, she totally did it on a rooftop. Blake's into some really weird crap. I've seen her books." She let out a giggle, "What about your team? Betcha they're going at it like rabbits."

Jaune's eyes flickered across the cafeteria, landing on Ren who sat quietly with Nora and reading a book. It was the very picture of serenity. It was also a lie. Jaune had lost count how many times he'd been unable to sleep because the two of them had some 'quiet' fun. Jaune had no idea how either of the two defined quiet, but apparently it included moaning like animals in heat and leaving their blankets soaked, ruined messes for him to wash up whenever it was his turn to do laundry.

And Pyrrha? He didn't even want to imagine it. He liked Pyrrha. She was his partner and mentor, but he'd heard the rumors. She was a celebrity and they got up to the most...out there stuff. Rumors of orgies, sex brawls, and naked mud wrestling were only the tip of the iceberg. Apparently, she'd popped her cherry when she beat her mentor and rode him all night until he passed out. Whenever Yang or Blake asked for details, she'd just smile and say that a lady didn't kiss and tell.

"Oh, uh, yeah They're fine.."

"Cool, cool." Ruby said with a satisfied nod, "So...you think Ren and Nora are up for a threesome?"

"I...wouldn't know." Jaune laughed. It sounded like a dying animal.

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Jaune barely managed to keep himself together through Ruby's relentlessly casual discussion of her first time, and he was this close to making an excuse to escape before she could start asking even more dangerous questions. But fate, as always, had a cruel sense of humor. Because just as he was about to say something to redirect the conversation, Weiss walked up to their table, holding a tray of food with her usual perfect posture.

"Oh, there you are," she said, setting her tray down across from Ruby before sliding gracefully into the seat beside her, "I was looking for you earlier. I wanted to go over that Dust technique I mentioned last week."

Ruby perked up immediately, all but vibrating with excitement, "Oh yeah, totally! We can go over that later. But first!" she suddenly turned to Weiss, her silver eyes glinting with mischievous curiosity, "Weiss! We were just talking about first times. You gotta tell me yours!"

Jaune, who'd been mid-sip of his drink, almost spat it everywhere. Weiss blinked, looking at Ruby with mild confusion before setting her spoon down neatly beside her soup bowl, "First times?"

He needed an out. Immediately. He needed to redirect this conversation before it was too late, "Oh, you know, first time in combat," he said quickly, laughing in a way that probably sounded normal to an idiot, "First Grimm kill. That kind of thing. Real milestone stuff."

Ruby snorted, "No, dummy. Sex."

Jaune knew there was no god. If there was, he wouldn't be suffering like this. Weiss, of course, didn't look remotely surprised by the shift in topic. She picked up her spoon again, stirring her soup idly as she hummed , "Oh. Well, I suppose it's not really a secret." She took a delicate sip of her soup before continuing, her tone as calm and matter-of-fact as if she were discussing a business meeting, "It was on my eighteenth birthday as soon as midnight struck. I had it planned well in advance, of course."

Jaune's soul left his body.

Weiss kept going, completely oblivious to the way he was slowly unraveling right next to her, "I booked a private suite at one of Atlas' top resorts. Very elegant. Candlelit atmosphere, silk sheets, customized temperature settings. It was important that the ambiance was exactly right. You only have your first time once. It has to be perfect."

Jaune wanted to scream.

Ruby nodded along, fully engaged, "Ooooh, fancy. Nice. Who was the guy?"

Weiss waved a hand dismissively, "Oh, just a suitable partner. Nothing serious. I reviewed a few candidates beforehand, of course. I had to ensure he was both experienced and in proper physical condition. It would've been ridiculous to engage in my first time with someone who didn't meet the necessary standards."

Jaune made the mistake of breathing and nearly choked on his own oxygen.

Ruby nodded again, "Makes sense, makes sense. I just grabbed a guy I kinda liked and went for it, but your way's pretty cool too."

"Of course." Weiss took another sip of her soup, "I mean, I considered a few of my personal guards, but the power dynamics would've been problematic. So instead I had the son from a family with the right pedigree. It wasn't his first time, but I managed to keep up with him, "

Jaune felt his vision swim.

"Right, right," Ruby mused, tapping her chin, "So, how'd it go?"

"Oh, it was quite the experience," Weiss said, her voice rich with nostalgia, "The foreplay alone lasted nearly an hour." Jaune stopped breathing, "I had specific requests, of course," she continued, completely unaware that Jaune was seconds away from suffering heart failure, "He started with my neck, then moved to my shoulders, and by the time he got to my breasts-"

"I'M GONNA GO GET A DRINK!" Jaune blurted out, standing so fast he nearly knocked his chair over.

Weiss blinked at him, looking puzzled, "You...already have a drink."

Jaune grabbed his glass of water, "THIS ONE'S EMPTY." He chugged the whole thing in one go, slammed the glass on the table, then turned to flee.

Ruby, the absolute demon that she was, reached out and grabbed his wrist before he could escape, "Aw, c'mon, Jaune! This is educational!"

Jaune turned, his face a perfect mask of calm, "I don't need to be educated," he said, his voice one wrong word away from breaking.

"Oh, that's right. You know all this already."

Jaune nodded, "Yep. I do. Definitely. 100%."

Weiss hummed, resting her chin on her hand, "Oh? What was your first time like, then?"

Jaune's soul disintegrated. He had nothing. No stories. No backup plan. Just a deep, unending void of despair. This was why he didn't want to be here. Talks about sex always had a way of spreading. First everyone was talking about who they fucked last week and then suddenly they started asking questions.

Ruby leaned forward, grinning, "Yeah, Jaune, tell us already!"

Once again, Jaune found himself faced with two options. One: admit the truth and be instantly branded as a prize waiting to be claimed, forever hunted by Team RWBY and his own team until his cherry was well and thoroughly popped. Or two: make something up and pray they didn't poke too many holes in it.

And so, with the survival instincts of a man dangling over a pit of hungry wolves, Jaune took a deep breath and went with the most logical, well-thought-out, totally airtight lie he could come up with on the spot, "Oh, my first time? Yeah, uh, totally wild," he said, forcing out a chuckle as he leaned back in his chair, "It was- well, you know how it is. I was in Mistral, right? It was raining. Like, pouring. And, uh, I was staying at this inn, 'cause I was traveling, doing some solo training."

That part was at least half true. He'd trained in Anima for a bit before coming to Beacon. That made it more believable, right?

Ruby and Weiss both nodded along, seemingly eager to hear more. Jaune's heart pounded in his ears. He needed details. Something believable. Something convincing. And, as his panic-addled brain grasped desperately for something to latch onto, it landed on Saphron's stash of hentai manga Yuri hentai manga.

His brain screamed at him not to use them.

His mouth betrayed him, "So, uh, there I was, stuck in this tiny inn, and suddenly this beautiful woman walks in - dripping wet, totally soaked from the rain. She looked kinda mysterious, you know? Dark hair, tight dress, super curvy." They were buying it. Ruby looked curious, Weiss seemed intrigued. He kept going, "She, uh, she locked eyes with me immediately," he continued, his voice gaining a bit more confidence, "Like, I could tell there was this...instant connection. She sat down next to me at the bar, ordered a drink, and just...stared at me for a bit. Then she leaned in and whispered."

He racked his brain for the line. The one that always seemed to show up in those ridiculous stories.

"She said, 'You're different from the other men I've met.'" Well, it was 'women' in the manga. He always found that stupid. The two characters literally just saw each other. No conversation, nothing, and then suddenly one of them goes 'you're not like other girls' like they knew each other all along.

Weiss nodded approvingly, "That does sound like a classic Mistrali woman. They tend to be more direct."

Jaune couldn't believe this was working. He felt lightheaded, "Right, exactly! So we talked for a bit, had some drinks. Y'know, just casual conversation. And then, out of nowhere, she grabs my tie-" He paused, "Uh, I was wearing a tie, 'cause it was, like, a fancy inn. And she pulls me into a kiss. Right there in the middle of the bar."

Ruby grinned, "Ooooh, smooth."

Jaune swallowed hard. He was in too deep. He had to finish the story, "So, uh, one thing led to another, and we ended up in her room," he said, doing his best to sound vaguely smug, like this was just a normal conversation for him, "She, uh, she pushed me onto the bed and straddled me, and then-"

Weiss held up a hand, "Spare the more graphic details, Jaune. I think we get the picture." Jaune's eye twitched. Oh, so she could talk about one hour foreplay and getting her nipples sucked, but he had to be discreet about it? He bit down his annoyance at the double standards and nodded along.

Because they'd bought it. He was safe.

"I knew you had a good story in there!" Ruby said, looking way too impressed, "That's like, something out of a movie! Or a book!" Or a manga...

Jaune forced a laugh, "Yeah, well, you know. Just one of those things."

"Who was she?" Weiss asked, tilting her head.

Jaune froze. Think, think! "Oh, uh...she was, uh..." He couldn't say her name. The fictional woman from the manga had a ridiculous name. Something like...Yuki Obsidian Midnight Nighthsade or something like that, "She, uh, didn't give me her real name, I think," he said quickly, hoping that would be enough, "Just said to call her Ivy."

"Well, I suppose it doesn't matter. I hardly recall my first partner either. What matters is the experience, not who you share it with." Jaune bit his tongue to keep from saying anything back.

Ruby hummed, "That's so cool. You lost your virginity to a sexy mysterious lady in Mistral. No wonder you're so chill about all this."

Jaune smiled. It was the smile of a man drowning in his own lies. He should've excused himself when Ruby first brought up her experience, or when Weiss showed up, or right now before the conversation could go any further. But no, he'd stayed, sitting there like an idiot, trapped in a social minefield where one wrong step would blow his entire cover wide open. Dad always did say he was the type to second guess himself. He needed to be sure that they didn't suspect.

"I have to say," Weiss said, her voice carrying that familiar Schnee superiority, "I'm really glad Beacon is full of normal people."

Jaune's fingers tightened around his glass. Ruby, happily kicking her legs under the table, tilted her head, "What do you mean?"

Weiss sneered, "Oh, just that back home, there was this one man, some absolute fool, who claimed he was saving himself for marriage." She said it like it was the most idiotic thing in the world. Jaune felt every muscle in his body lock up, "Can you imagine? Saving yourself. For marriage. Like some kind of ancient relic from the Dark Ages. What kind of insanity is that?"

Jaune, who was doing almost exactly that, sat completely still, afraid that if he so much as twitched, they'd see right through him. Ruby, by contrast, winced like Weiss had just mentioned a tragic accident, "Oh, geez. Poor guy." Jaune's blinked. Poor guy? Did Ruby sympathize with him? Did she understand?

That hope was dashed when with what she said next.

"Man, that guy's a dummy." Ruby sighed, shaking her head, "Like, I get waiting wanting someone specific to pop your cherry, but waiting for marriage? That's just..." She sighed, silver eyes filled with genuine pity, "What a weirdo."

"Oh, I know," Weiss said, rolling her eyes, "It was pitiful. I mean, what was he even thinking? Did he really believe some woman was going to wait for him? That he was going to magically find 'The One' and ride off into the sunset like some fairy tale prince?" Jaune swallowed down what was left of his food as Weiss huffed, "Don't worry, he didn't last."

Jaune blinked, "What?"

Weiss smirked, "Oh, Winter found out about it and took care of the problem."

"Wait, wait, wait," Ruby said, suddenly very interested, "Winter? Your sister?"

Weiss rolled her eyes, "Who else?"

Ruby leaned in, eyes sparkling, "Holy crap, what'd she do?"

Weiss let out a soft chuckle, tapping a manicured nail against her glass, "Oh, you know Winter. Her seduction techniques are unmatched. There's not a man alive who could resist her once she sets her sights on them."

Jaune was shitting bricks, "She got him?" Ruby gasped.

Weiss snorted, "Of course. He folded within a week." She waved a hand dismissively, "Winter thoroughly educated him. Now he's normal, like he should be." Jaune felt cold sweat running down his back, "It happened on his nineteenth birthday. The fool gave in easily enough."

Ruby laughed, "That's actually kinda funny. Imagine being all stubborn about it just to immediately break the moment a hot older woman gives you attention."

Weiss smirked, "Exactly. And now? He's thriving. Sleeping around just like everyone else. No more ridiculous, outdated ideas about 'saving himself.'" She rolled her eyes again, "I'll never understand those who think inexperience is a matter of pride."

"Yeah, totally!" Jaune laughed. It sounded like a wheeze, "Well, uh, it was nice chatting, but I have some homework to do."

"Homework or 'homework'." Ruby waggled her eyebrows.

"Actual homework. Professor Port's essay." They all shuddered in solidarity at that, and for just a second, he forgot all about his troubles, "I'll see you two around!" He hopped up, grabbed his tray, and practically ran out of there. He'd need to keep a lower profile for the next few days. Ruby would be bragging about her first time and he didn't want to get involved if the topic of sex came up again.

He wasn't going to give up. One day, he'd find True Love and make sure he had the most special first time. That was a promise.

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Pyrrha Nikos was a fraud.

It wasn't that she wanted to be one. She just didn't have a choice. .

From the moment she'd become famous - truly famous, not just a rising star in Mistral but a champion, a household name, a warrior idolized by fans across the kingdom - the world had decided what kind of person she was going to be. She was Pyrrha Nikos, the Invincible Girl, the Unchallenged Champion, the Mistrali Warrior Goddess. And, somewhere along the way, a very specific reputation had attached itself to her name.

That of a woman who took whatever she wanted.

She had seen it in the way people looked at her. The admiration in the eyes of fans, the barely concealed hunger from men and women alike, the expectation that someone like her, untouchable in combat, unparalleled in skillm would naturally be just as dominant in the bedroom.

At first, it had just been rumors.

"She has to be experienced."
"I heard took her mentor on the mats right after beating him."
"There's no way someone like Pyrrha is still a virgin."

And the moment she'd heard them, Pyrrha knew. If she denied it, no one would believe her. If she acted surprised, if she insisted that she had no such reputation, they would assume she was just being coy. That she was playing hard to get. That she was ashamed to admit the truth, rather than the actual truth.

That Pyrrha Nikos, the supposed Mistrali Warrior Goddess, had never so much as kissed anyone.

She wasn't waiting because of some strange outdated belief. She wasn't avoiding romance because she thought herself above it. She was waiting for true love. That was it. That was the entire reason. She wanted her first time to be with someone she cared about. Someone who'd see her not as a prize or a conquest, but as a woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Someone who'd kiss her and hold her hand throughout the whole thing.

But if she said that - if she admitted to being a hopeless romantic, to wanting her first time to be with someone she knew she would love for the rest of her life - people wouldn't just laugh at her. They would take it as a challenge. They would try to be the one to claim the Invincible Girl's virginity.

It would've been a competition. Men, women, admirers, even casual acquaintances - every single one of them would see it as an opportunity. They would flirt, push, and insist that they were the ones worthy of taking her first time. That they deserved to be the ones to "tame" Pyrrha Nikos. She already knew that Weiss would be the first on the list. The woman had propositioned her on the first day. If she found out she was a virgin? She wouldn't have stopped till she was the one who claimed it.

So, rather than deny the rumors, she had fed them.

Oh, not directly. She had never once claimed to have bedded anyone or bragged about all the orgies she'd supposedly been in. That would have been too obvious. No, she just let people believe what they wanted. A few vague smiles. A chuckle when someone made a crude joke. When Yang had asked if the stories about her mentor were true, she had merely smirked and said, a lady never kisses and tells. It was true. Nevermind the fact that she'd never kissed.

And just like that, the legend had taken on a life of its own. Pyrrha Nikos, the undefeated warrior of Mistral, was a woman who took victory in the ring and conquest in the bedroom. She had no need for romance, because she was above it. She had no need for love, because she had her pick of lovers whenever she pleased. Some people claimed to be part of her harem for the bragging rights, and she let them. It kept people from looking closer.

It was a lie, but it was a useful lie. She had to keep up appearances.

Which was why, when she had heard Jaune talking about his experiences, she had forced herself to act completely normal. It shouldn't have surprised her that he had experience. It had been obvious from the moment they'd met. He was too relaxed about these things, too comfortable with flirting, too natural in the way he spoke about women. A man like Jaune wouldn't have been able to make it to twenty without at least some experience. She was sure he had his pick back in his home town.

And yet...even though she believed it immediately and thought it made perfect sense that Jaune had already been with multiple women, she couldn't help but feel a little sad about it. She'd thought that maybe if things had been different, if she had been different, maybe she could've been his first.

But that was selfish. Jaune was her partner. Her friend. She had no right to think of him that way, like taking his virginity was somehow her right.

But still...

Pyrrha let out a quiet sigh, leaning back against the headboard of her bed. The dorm room was quiet, save for the gentle hum of the air conditioning. Nora and Ren were off doing something that would leave Nora wobbling and shaky and Jaune was still out. As always, she was left alone with nothing but her thoughts. Fantasies of her meeting Jaune a couple of years earlier and the two of them losing their first times to one another under the stars. It would've been soft. Gentle. No societal pressures or thinking that they had to do it just because Remnant thought virginity was a sin.

"Someday..."

She didn't know when and she didn't know how. But someday, she would find true love. And when she did, she would finally get to experience what everyone already thought she had.

And Jaune...

She smiled to herself. Well. She wished it would be him. She just hoped he wouldn't see her differently once he found out the truth about her. She wouldn't be able to bear it.

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Poor Pyrrha and Jaune. Hopefully these two make it.