Fake It Till You Make It (comedic Jaune oneshot)

Sister and Brother-in-law went to America for a couple of months on vacation and took my (almost) two-year-old nephew with them :( Wrote something cheerier so I'd miss him less. This is an old idea I had before where Jaune has no Aura or training and yet somehow keeps going up till they reach Salem herself. Jaune is not pleased.

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Jaune stood in front of the massive, foreboding double doors of Salem's throne room. The sheer malice radiating from the other side of the entrance made his knees weak and his palms sweat. He gripped Crocea Mors tightly, though it felt more like a butter knife than a weapon of legendary heroism in his trembling hands.

Behind him, Ruby, Pyrrha, and Weiss stood with determined expressions, each ready to charge headfirst into what could only be described as the most insane fight of their lives. The fight to save all of Remnant. Their confidence radiated like a blazing sun, making Jaune feel like a smudge of dirt on a polished floor,"Alright, team," Ruby chirped, her silver eyes sparkling, "We've trained for this. We've fought our way through Grimm hordes, crazy henchmen, and whatever the heck that Tyrian guy was. This is our moment!"

Jaune winced at her enthusiasm, sweat beading on his forehead, "Y-yeah, about that, guys," he stammered, turning to face them, "Maybe I should, uh, sit this one out?"

Ruby blinked at him in confusion, "What? Why?"

"I agree, Jaune," Weiss said, her tone uncharacteristically soft for him, "You're one of us. You've grown so much since Beacon. You're an essential part of this team."

Pyrrha nodded, her green eyes shining with admiration, "You've come so far, Jaune. I'm proud of the warrior you've become."

The words hit Jaune like a sucker punch to the gut. He couldn't keep this charade up any longer. He had to tell them the truth, "No, guys, you don't understand," he said, voice rising slightly in desperation, "I'm not a warrior. I'm barely even a fighter. I...I lied to get into Beacon! I faked my transcripts! I don't have Aura! If a Beowolf sneezes on me, I'll die! I don't know how I've survived this long!" He literally didn't. They fought criminals, terrorists, Grimm, and the IRS. He should've been dead a hundred times over.

There was a beat of silence as his words hung in the air. He expected them to hate him, to look at him with disgust and scorn. Instead, Ruby burst into laughter, "Oh, Jaune, you're so funny," she said, wiping a tear from her eye, "Classic Jaune, trying to lighten the mood."

"I'm serious!" Jaune yelled, his voice cracking, "I. Have. No. Aura!"

Weiss rolled her eyes, "Honestly, Jaune, your false modesty is getting old. You've done amazing things in the field. Remember when you took down that Alpha Ursa by yourself?"

"It tripped over a root and fell on off a cliff!" Jaune exclaimed, "I was hiding behind a bush the whole time!"

"And the time you led that village evacuation during the Nuckelavee attack?" Pyrrha added, her smile practically glowing with pride.

"I was running for my life, and they just happened to follow me!"

Ruby giggled, "Come on, Jaune. We all know you're just trying to make us feel better about how awesome you are."

Jaune's mouth opened and closed like a fish gasping for air. How could they not see it? He was useless! They had been on the same team for two years! Two! How did nobody notice he didn't even know how to properly swing a sword? "Look," he said, trying again, "I really think it's best if I hang back this time. You know, moral support and all that."

Weiss scoffed, "Don't be ridiculous. You're one of our best assets."

"Assets?!" Jaune squeaked, "I don't even know what what half the Dust types do!"

Pyrrha gently patted his shoulder, "Jaune, I know you're feeling nervous, but that's normal. We're all scared. But we'll face this together, like we always do."

Jaune grabbed her by the shoulders, shaking her slightly, "No, Pyrrha, you're not getting it! I have the combat skills of a wet noodle! My Aura gauge is perpetually empty because I don't even have one! I faked my way in! I've been faking everything!"

Weiss crossed her arms, "Jaune, this is hardly the time for jokes. We're about to face the literal Queen of Evil, and you're wasting time doubting yourself."

Ruby nodded, "Yeah! You're a cornerstone of our team, Jaune. We'd be lost without you."

Jaune groaned, dragging his hands down his face, "You would be just fine without me. Probably better! I am not qualified for this!"

Weiss gave him a pointed look, "If you weren't qualified, how have you survived for two years without Aura? Hmm?"

Jaune flailed his arms, "Complete dumb luck!"

Ruby laughed again, "Sure, and I'm the Queen of Remnant!" That was a hell of a lot more likely than him being what they thought he was!

As Jaune stood frozen outside Salem's throne room, his team rallied around him, trying to lift his spirits. He was sweating bullets, gripping Crocea Mors like it was his last tether to sanity. Ruby, being Ruby, stepped forward with a pep talk that could make a rock feel like a hero, "Jaune, you've got this! Remember all the times you've saved the day?"

"Like what?" Jaune asked weakly, praying she wouldn't have an answer.

"Oh, like that time in Vale when Watts tried to flood the city with spam mail! You stopped him single-handedly!" Ruby grinned, her silver eyes shining with admiration, "Do you have any idea how inconvenient it would've been to delete all that spam?"

Jaune blinked, "Ruby...I tripped and spilled a glass of juice on the CCT router. Watts was literally yelling 'NOOOOO!' while I was apologizing for being clumsy."

Ruby waved her hand breezily, "But that's the thing! You turned a mistake into a victory! That's classic Jaune. You're like...the hero of accidental heroics!"

"That's not a thing!" Jaune protested, but Ruby ignored him.

Weiss, of course, wasn't going to let Ruby outshine her in the morale-boosting department. She placed a perfectly manicured hand on her hip and gave him a haughty smile, "What about the time you cunningly exposed Cinder's evil plans? That was nothing short of genius. Not even the Headmaster would've been able to pull that off."

Jaune groaned, "Weiss, that wasn't cunning. I was standing in the corner with such low presence that she didn't even notice I was there while she explained her entire evil scheme! She literally said, 'Wait, when did you get here?' after her monologue! The only reason she didn't kill me was 'cause I thought their evil plans were about a bake sale!"

"Exactly," Weiss said, pointing her finger at him like she'd made some profound point, "That shows restraint and tactical patience. You were biding your time, waiting for the perfect moment to act. A true tactician knows when to strike."

"I was eating a sandwich!" Jaune shouted, flabbergasted, "A sandwich, Weiss!"

"You were conserving your energy," Weiss countered smoothly, "And look where it got us. You're the reason we had the intel to stop her."

"I didn't even tell anyone about it until two weeks later because I thought she was selling brownies!" Jaune cried.

Before he could argue further, Pyrrha stepped forward, her emerald eyes filled with warmth and pride, "Jaune, don't listen to your doubts. You've been the glue holding us together. Like that time the team was falling apart during our first year at Beacon." She held his right hand with both of her's, "It's only because of you that we're standing here now, united."

"I didn't do anything," Jaune protested, yanking his arm back, "I just sat there, nodded, and said, 'That's rough, buddy.'"

"Exactly!" Pyrrha said earnestly, "You gave us a safe space to talk through our problems. That's what kept us together. Do you know how important that is?"

"I'm not a therapist, Pyrrha!" Jaune wailed, "I just have one of those faces that makes people feel like they can dump their emotional baggage on me!"

"And it works!" Pyrrha said with a proud smile, "You have a natural gift for empathy. It's part of what makes you such a good leader."

Jaune groaned, rubbing his face with his hands, "You guys have to stop thinking I'm some kind of strategic genius or a hero. I'm just...I'm just me!"

"Exactly," Ruby said with a grin, "And 'just you' is all we need. You're amazing, Jaune."

"No, I'm not!" Jaune shouted, his voice echoing in the cold, dark hallway, "I don't have Aura! I don't know how to fight! My 'great deeds' are all accidents, oversights, or dumb luck! If we go in there, Salem is going to eat me alive - probably literally - and I'm going to die, because I'm useless!"

The three girls exchanged amused glances.

"Oh, Jaune," Ruby said with a giggle, "You're so humble."

Weiss smirked, "Really, Jaune, you need to work on your self-esteem."

Pyrrha patted his shoulder, "We believe in you. That's all that matters."

Jaune threw his hands in the air, "It's like you're not even listening to me! Did you all collectively lose your minds?!"

The massive doors to Salem's throne room groaned open, cutting off his protests. The oppressive aura of the Queen of Grimm washed over them like a tidal wave of doom. Salem's silhouette loomed in the shadows, her sinister laugh echoing through the hall.

Ruby pulled Crescent Rose from her back, "Team JSPR! Let's go!"

Jaune's knees buckled as his teammates charged forward with battle cries. He stayed frozen in place, his mind racing with increasingly absurd excuses to run. Unfortunately, none of them seemed plausible. As Pyrrha glanced back and smiled at him encouragingly, Jaune sighed in defeat. He gripped Crocea Mors tightly and trudged forward, muttering to himself, "I am so dead. I should've just gone to culinary school."

"I hate my life," Jaune muttered before forcing his trembling legs to move. He followed them inside, Crocea Mors wobbling in his grip. As the team strode into Salem's throne room, the oppressive weight of her presence bore down on them like a stormcloud. The dark monarch lounged on her obsidian throne, her crimson eyes glowing with an otherworldly menace. Grimm of all shapes and sizes prowled in the shadows, their guttural growls echoing off the stone walls.

Ruby, Weiss, and Pyrrha stood tall, their weapons at the ready, faces set with grim determination. Jaune, on the other hand, shuffled in last, his knees wobbling like gelatin as he tried - and failed - to suppress a whimper. He was going to die, and then they'd immortalize him as some brave hero who commited the ultimate sacrifice because somehow the only way he could fail was upwards.

Salem's eyes roved over each of them, her expression unreadable. She finally stood, the room growing even colder as she descended the steps of her throne with an unnerving grace. Her gaze fell on Ruby first, "Ruby Rose," Salem said, her voice a mix of honey and venom, "The Silver-Eyed Warrior. The one fated to stand against me. A symbol of hope in a hopeless land."

Ruby tightened her grip on Crescent Rose but said nothing, her silver eyes narrowing.

Salem's gaze shifted to Weiss, "Weiss Schnee. Heiress to the Dust empire from which all mortals depend on. The supposed redeemer of your bloodline's legacy. You wield your family's gifts with remarkable skill. It will not save you."

Weiss huffed, but her determined stance didn't waver.

Then Salem turned to Pyrrha, "Pyrrha Nikos. The invincible warrior. A prodigy who has bested every opponent, a champion even among champions. You are formidable indeed."

Pyrrha met her gaze without flinching, her expression calm and composed.

Finally, Salem's eyes landed on Jaune. For a moment, she seemed to hesitate, her expression sharpening into something almost unreadable. Her glowing crimson eyes narrowed, and her lips curled into a twisted smile, "And you," she said, her voice dripping with malice, "Jaune Arc."

Jaune froze like a deer in headlights. He instinctively looked behind him, praying she was addressing some other Jaune Arc. No such luck.

"To think-" Salem continued, stepping closer, "-that the greatest threat to my plans would appear in such an unassuming form."

Jaune's jaw dropped, "Wait, what?"

Salem gestured dramatically, pacing slowly, "You - the one who outmaneuvered Arthur Watts, destroying his plans with cunning and precision."

Ruby grinned and elbowed him, "See, Jaune? Even she knows how awesome you are."

Jaune sputtered, "That was an accident! I tripped over a cord! The soda saved the day, not me!"

Salem ignored him, her focus unwavering, "The one who exposed Cinder Fall's ambitions, forcing her to reveal her plans before she could strike."

Weiss smirked, "It was a brilliant move, Jaune."

"I was invisible to her because I'm a nobody!" Jaune cried.

Salem's eyes gleamed with cold fury, "The one who held your team together during their time at Beacon, ensuring that they stood here now."

Pyrrha beamed at him, "You've always been our foundation, Jaune."

"I just nodded a lot and offered snacks!" Jaune exclaimed, his voice cracking, "And they weren't even the good snacks!"

Salem stopped, standing directly before them, her towering presence casting a shadow over him, "Of all the warriors who have stood before me, you are the one who has truly unnerved me, Jaune Arc. Moreso than even Ozma. For you possess the most dangerous weapon of all."

"What?" Jaune whispered, feeling faint, "Dumb luck? Not knowing what sunk cost fallacy meant until literally yesterday?"

Salem leaned closer, her crimson eyes blazing, "Unpredictability."

Jaune blinked, "...What?"

"You don't fight like a trained Huntsman," Salem said with a sneer, "You stumble through battles. You bumble through encounters. You destroy meticulously crafted plans through sheer accident. You are chaos incarnate. And for that, you are my greatest threat. I could plan for decades, and you would counter them all with your mad intellect and whimsy."

Jaune felt his knees buckle, "No...no, this can't be happening..."

Salem's voice rose, echoing through the chamber, "Even if your companions manage to defeat me, I will ensure you fall with me. You, Jaune Arc, will know no peace. I will dedicate every fiber of my being to your destruction."

Jaune's lip quivered, "But I don't even want to be here..."

Ruby clapped him on the back, oblivious to his distress, "See, Jaune? I told you you're awesome!"

Weiss nodded, smirking, "Even Salem admits you're the lynchpin of this operation. Maybe now you'll stop being so self-deprecating."

Pyrrha smiled warmly, "We're so proud of you."

Jaune let out a strangled sob. He didn't know whether to collapse, scream, or bolt for the door. His brain was scrambling for an escape route, but all he could do was stand there, clutching Crocea Mors like it was a life preserver in a sea of insanity. Salem stepped back, her smile twisted with dark satisfaction, "Come, then. Let us see if your madness will prevail against my wrath."

Ruby raised her scythe, "Let's do this, team!"

Weiss summoned her glyphs, Pyrrha drew Milo, and Jaune...Jaune started praying to whatever gods were listening.

"Oh, Brothers," he whimpered, "Why me?"

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The throne room was in shambles. Broken pillars littered the ground, scorch marks marred the once-pristine obsidian walls, and Grimm ichor oozed from the slowly dissipating remains of Salem's monstrous Grimm. At the center of the room, Ruby knelt, Crescent Rose planted in the ground as her silver eyes dimmed, their incredible power having finally done its work.

Across from her, Salem stood frozen mid-scream, her body slowly being overtaken by the creeping gray of petrification. She couldn't be killed, and now she never would be. The malice in her crimson eyes remained undiminished, even as her movements grew sluggish, "Curse you!" Salem snarled, her voice like nails on a chalkboard. Her fiery gaze landed on the one person she deemed most deserving of her wrath, "Jaune Arc."

Jaune, lying face-up on the floor and looking like he'd been hit by a truck, weakly lifted his head, "Wait, what?" he croaked, his voice cracking. He must've been hearing things, right?

"You..." Salem hissed, her body stiffening further as the stone climbed her torso, "You are the reason for this! You, with your bumbling incompetence disguised as cunning! You...with your deranged mind and cunning"

"Cunning?" Jaune wheezed, "I threw my sword at you, and it missed by twenty feet! It didn't even land on the pointy end!"

Salem's lips curled into a snarl, "You distracted me! You broke my focus!"

Jaune flopped his head back onto the floor, staring at the cracked ceiling in utter disbelief, "That wasn't a distraction! I just panicked and threw it because I was out of ideas!"

Weiss stepped forward, brushing dirt off her dress with the grace of someone who hadn't just been in a life-or-death battle. Somehow she managed to look graceful despite being covered head-to-toe in muck and grime, "And it worked marvelously, Jaune," she said, offering him a proud smile, "That distraction was crucial to Ruby landing the final blow."

"It wasn't a distraction!" Jaune cried, throwing his arms into the air, "It was a miss! I wasn't even aiming at her - I closed my eyes and threw it in her general direction at best!"

Weiss ignored him, "You really need to stop doubting yourself, Jaune. It's unbecoming."

Meanwhile, Salem's petrification reached her neck, but her rage continued to burn, "Mark my words, Jaune Ar!," she snarled, her voice echoing with dark power, "Even if it takes countless millennia, I will return. I will claw my way back from the depths of the abyss. And when I do, I will hunt you down. I will tear open the veil of death itself to bring you back, just so I can end you again! I despise you more than wretched Ozma!"

Jaune's eyes went wide with horror, "But I didn't even do anything!"

Ruby, still recovering from the Silver Eye blast, managed a weak thumbs-up, "You're so modest, Jaune..."

Jaune looked at her, utterly flabbergasted, "I AM NOT BEING MODEST!"

Salem's eyes burned with fury as the stone began to envelop her face. Her final words echoed like a curse, "JAUNE ARRRRRCCCCCC!"

With that, she was silenced, her entire form encased in stone, her expression forever frozen in a mask of unrelenting hatred.

Jaune stared at her petrified form, his chest heaving. He turned to his team, his voice quaking with exhaustion and sheer disbelief, "Why does she hate me so much? Ruby's the one with the Silver Eyes! You three actually fought her! All I did was trip over a rock and throw my sword into the corner of the room!"

Pyrrha stepped forward and helped him to his feet, smiling at him warmly, "And yet, Jaune, that's what makes you extraordinary. Even when the odds are stacked against you, you find a way to turn the tides any way you can."

"I missed, Pyrrha! I contributed nothing!"

Weiss rolled her eyes, "Oh, stop being so dramatic. You're alive, Salem's defeated, and we won. Isn't that what matters?"

Jaune groaned, putting his face in his hands, "No. What matters is that I'm apparently going to be the sole target of her undead revenge for eternity!"

Ruby giggled weakly, "Aw, don't worry, Jaune. By the time she comes back, if she ever does, we'll all be long gone. Like space dust."

"Yeah," Jaune muttered bitterly, "Except she said she'd bring me back." He slumped back down to the ground, staring at his sword, which was still lying down pathetically in the far corner of the room, nowhere near Salem.

Weiss crossed her arms and looked at him thoughtfully, "Well, at least now you have a legendary nemesis. That's not something just anyone can say. Some would consider that a sign of greatness."

"Yeah," Jaune said flatly, "Lucky me."

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The victory celebration was a spectacle for the ages. Across the lands of Remnant, fireworks lit up the skies, music blared in the streets, and people cheered themselves hoarse. Salem's defeat - or at least her indefinite petrification - had brought a wave of relief that rippled through every corner of the world. Human and Faunus, rich and poor, all stood side-by-side in celebration and relief.

But not everyone was in a celebratory mood.

Jaune sat slumped in a chair in the corner of the grand banquet hall, a glass of punch in his hand and an expression of pure exhaustion on his face. He wasn't sure how he'd managed to survive the events of the last week, much less come out of it as a hero in the eyes of seemingly everyone. He'd tried sneaking out to avoid the spotlight, but somehow, someone always managed to shove him back into the crowd, insisting he was the "star of the show."

As he stared at the fizzing pink liquid in his cup, wondering if he could quietly melt into the wallpaper, a familiar voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Jaune?"

He looked up to see Pyrrha standing before him, her cheeks tinged with a soft pink that wasn't entirely from the warmth of the room. She fiddled with the hem of her dress, a rare display of nervousness from the normally composed champion.

"Oh, hey, Pyrrha," Jaune mumbled, too tired to muster more than a faint smile, "Enjoying the party?"

Pyrrha hesitated, then sat down next to him, her emerald eyes filled with warmth, "Not as much as I'd like to. I've been trying to find a quiet moment to talk to you."

"Talk to me?" Jaune asked, raising an eyebrow, "About what?"

She looked down at her hands, her blush deepening, "Well, after everything we've been through - everything you've done - I realized I don't want to wait any longer to tell you how I feel. Jaune, you're brave, kind, and - "

"Oh, please," a haughty voice cut in, "If anyone is going to win Jaune's affection, it should be me."

Jaune and Pyrrha both turned to see Weiss standing there, arms crossed and a tight smile on her lips. She looked as poised as ever, though there was a mischievous glint in her eyes that was out of character.

"Uh...Weiss?" Jaune said, completely bewildered.

"Pyrrha, you're sweet and all," Weiss continued, waving her hand dismissively, "But let's be realistic. Jaune needs someone who can match his growing reputation. Someone who understands the pressures of fame, diplomacy, and leadership. In short, someone like me."

"Excuse me?" Pyrrha said, her smile tightening as she stood up to face Weiss, "I've fought alongside Jaune as his partner for years. I know him better than anyone."

"Do you?" Weiss asked with a raised brow, "Because I was the one who recognized his potential from the beginning. I've always known he was destined for greatness."

Jaune blinked, "You've called me 'hopeless' more times than I can count. You literally looked at me like I was a turd under your shoe for the first week and tried to depose me as leader." If he could go back in time, he would've slapped his younger self upside the head and told him to take the out.

"That was encouragement," Weiss said, not missing a beat, "And clearly, it worked."

Before Pyrrha could retort, Ruby darted in between them, holding up her hands, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not forget who actually took down Salem here!"

Weiss raised an eyebrow, "We took down Salem. All of us."

Ruby smirked, "Yeah, but I was the one who froze her with my Silver Eyes. And Jaune was the crucial distraction that made it happen, so I think it's pretty clear we've got the most epic team-up story here. Which, obviously, makes me the best match for him." She pointed at herself with her thumb, her smirk never wavering.

Pyrrha and Weiss both scoffed, turning on Ruby in unison, "Excuse me?" Pyrrha asked.

Ruby looked back, completely unfazed, "You heard me. He helped me save the world. That's totally soulmate material."

Jaune sat frozen, his mouth hanging open as three of the most attractive women in all of Remnant started bickering - loudly - over who should be his girlfriend. It was the kind of situation he'd daydreamed about for years, being the hero who women fought over, but now that it was actually happening, all he could feel was overwhelming exhaustion. He didn't deserve it. He'd gotten her because fate or the gods or whoever had a sick sense of humor.

"Guys," Jaune said weakly, but they didn't hear him.

"He needs someone who can support him in battle!" Pyrrha argued, "Someone who understands his heart!"

"Please," Weiss said with a scoff, "He needs someone who can elevate his status and provide stability for the challenges we'll face."

Ruby crossed her arms, "Or maybe he just needs someone fun who knows how to fight evil queens with him!"

Jaune put his head in his hands and screamed, the sound lost in the wide banquet hall. The three continued to argue about who deserved to be his girlfriend more even as he wandered off and tried to find the punch bowl Nora spiked. This was gonna be a long night...

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Poor Jaune. Gets fame, adoration, and a harem of Huntresses after him. However will he survive?