Script: Café Date With Your Ex

as a fun extra for you, my dearest patrons, i thought i'd share the scripts i write before recording my videos. not sure how regularly i'll release these, but for now here is the script for the first video in the "Your Ex" series, and currently the first video on my channel. (it's actually the second video i made, but the very first one is unlisted as i wasn't happy with it any more - thought i should put my best foot forward!)

hope you enjoy this little sneak peek (and, just to be clear, please don't redistribute or re-use this script in any way - it's just for reading!)

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Augh, god, sorry I’m late. Got a flat tyre.

No, I know. It’s actually the first time that’s ever happened to me. I just moved into a new house and the estate it’s on is like… a building site. I mean, literally, they are still building it. The house next door to me doesn’t have a roof. So I figure there’re probably nails and stuff all over the road, you know?

Yeah, yeah. I totally should try to get some compensation from the building company! But, uh… Then I’d have to call them, and they’d probably kick up a fuss, and I don’t really, uh… like talking to people in situations like that. So I’ll probably just suck up the cost of a new tyre. Better that than talk to someone, can you imagine?

Oh, haha, I mean, I guess you have a little more confidence than me then.

ahem So, anyway. Sorry. That was a huge ramble. Hi. It’s really nice to see you again after so long.

Yeah, we did used to have fun, huh?

Mm, right. It just wasn’t the right time.

Why’d I call you now? I mean, uh, I was just in town. For work, you know. And yesterday I thought I remembered you saying that you were gonna move here, or were thinking about it at least, so I looked you up.

Haha, sure, you can call it stalking if you like, but honestly you need to sort out your privacy settings. Your profile’s wiiide open.

Well, I’m just glad I still haven’t gotten round to deleting mine. But anyway, I took a chance on your old number in case you hadn’t changed it. And you hadn’t. So… thank you, for that.

Mhmm. I’m sure it’s nothing to do with making sure I can still contact you.

Oh, no, I meant it, I wouldn’t be that presumptuous. You just kept it for work, right?

Yeah… [slightly awkward silence] ahem aha, so…

What do I do? Like, for work, or…?

Oh, hobbies and stuff? Well, I do a little hiking, a bit of writing here and there, play some D&D…

Yeah, I mean, I have a few friends, mostly from the D&D group. Wouldn’t say I’m, like, super close to any of them. I don’t think I have a best friend.

Umm… No. No, uh, partner. No boyfriend, no girlfriend, no theyfriend.

I don’t know. There’ve been a few people who I was like… mayyybe? One in particular after we, uh… After you moved away. I think ‘rebound’ is the word. But nah. We weren’t really that compatible.

Yeah, I went on a few dates after that, but never really felt the ‘click’. Not like it was with, uh… You know.

You do know, come on. Don’t make me say it.

Hhh, well, with us, you know. There was that click. Everything felt comfortable and right, like that was how life was meant to be. And without that feeling, pursuing anybody else feels a bit pointless. I stopped putting effort into going on dates and things. I probably shouldn’t have, but you know. Just seemed pointless. I’m fine with it now, anyway. Happy. Happy bachelor.

ahem, sorry. Not sure why that sounded so bitter.

What about you, anyway?

Kinda same? Yeah?

Yeah, it is hard to make friends in a new place, isn’t it. Especially when your hobbies don’t really involve other people. That’s kinda why I picked up D&D, just seemed an easy way to meet new folks. You should give it a try.

Teach you how to play? I mean, sure, if you’d like. I’m still pretty new, but I wouldn’t mind. Oh, but… I live, like, ages away now. It’d be hard to find the time to come out here, and… Well, you know. It’d be awkward. But maybe. We’ll figure it out. I’d like to figure it out.

Yeah, right. We could just do it online or something. We’ll see. It’s better in-person, though.

Hmm. And, so… You’ve found it hard to make friends here. What about something more than that? Anything going on with you… Romantically?

What about The Room? Oh, my god. I just did the “anyway how’s your sex life” line. I’m sorry. [laugh] Look I didn’t mean it like that.

Hhh, good. You get it. But, you know. Have you met anybody?

Haha. This is like a game of snap, or something. We just keep finding ourselves in the same situation. It’s, uh, making me feel kinda nostalgic.

I mean, yeah, I guess I do miss how things were. It was good. It was exciting.

Part of me wishes we had tried long-distance, you know? I mean, I know we were both really apprehensive and didn’t want to risk ruining things… That we both said we’d prefer to just end it on a positive note. But I don’t know. Sometimes I think… That was stupid. We should’ve put more effort in.

ahem But I guess, you know, it was just as much up to me as it was to you. I made that decision, too. That job offer was just… Reeeeaally badly timed.

Yeah… [checks watch] Ah, ugh, I’m sorry, I, uh, I have to go. Yeah, I took the morning off work but I have a meeting at 12 on the dot, and the office is on the other side of town.

[they both get up from the table]

It’s been really, really nice to see you again. Brought back a lot of memories. More than I expected. I, uh… I’ll have to hit you up for D&D crash course, if you were serious about that. It’s always fun teaching someone something new.

Mm. Well, uh, oh, yeah.

[they hug. deep, slow, amorous breaths]

Ha. Thank you. Same fragrance I’ve always worn.

You smell good too.

[Tense breathing]

[whisper] I don’t want this to end.

[they kiss]

Okay. Haha. Shit.

You know I could, uh… I could just call in sick. I mean, the meeting isn’t that — [they kiss again]

Yeah, I’m gonna call in sick. [another quick kiss] Let’s get outta here.