There's No "There" There

"A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They’re just backing away from life. Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can.” ~Maude from Harold & Maude

This week I put the call out to men asking them if they’d ever friend-zoned themselves before and was met with a deluge of responses. Story after story of betrayal and lack of self-worth, low self-esteem and trust issues from past experiences that was informing their present decision-making. I read hundreds of these messages, over 20,000 words expressing the exact same thing: fear.

I’m intimately familiar with fear, rejection and heartbreak. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I still believe in love. I still hold out faith for the man who can meet me where I’m at and we can be safe harbors for one another’s soul. Am I brave? No. Stupid. Most likely. A hopeless romantic? Absolutely.

But will I have any regrets? Absolutely not. 

At least not in the department of opening my heart and surrendering to the river of love fearlessly or putting myself out there with my writing or comedy or whatever creative endeavor is tickling my fancy. (I will, however probably regret the amount of time I spent on Twitter).

That was another theme that came through these emails—regret. 

Over and over and over and over again, “I wish I’d taken a chance—at least I wouldn’t wonder ‘what if?’” Oftentimes we wait until everything is just so to take that chance, not realizing that the nature of chance is that it doesn’t wait. It’s exactly that: chance—a possibility of something happening. A happy accident. A moment in time that appears seemingly without design, randomly showing up in your life at exactly the right (or wrong) moment, asking you to consider it a gift. It might contain the love of your life, it might contain heartbreak that brings you to your knees—either way—chance will change you. The Gift of Chance encompasses the sorts of lessons that probably won’t seem like lessons until you’re looking back at them in hindsight.

“I feel like you live your life from the grave,” my mom always used to say. She’s correct. I do. Which means some of the chances I’ve taken have been reckless and it’s a miracle I’m still alive to tell the stories. But given the recklessness with which I’ve abandoned myself to love, it’s an even greater miracle I’m still open to the potential for devotion. My heart has taken a beating over the decades but sometimes I think it’s made her even stronger. I’ve survived. And if you're reading this--so have you.

I’ve survived heartbreak so great I couldn’t get out of bed for almost a month. I’ve survived loss so deep it’s driven me out of the country for years. And yet still, if a person enters my life and we connect—I’ll go for it, knowing full well it might end up with me crying in my bathtub. Again.

Because I’m aware that the only thing worse than surviving heartbreak, is surviving life and at the end of it looking back and wondering WHAT IF. That’s a Hell I’m not willing to put myself through on this rock careening through the galaxy because that’s a Hell born out of my willingness to stay small. In this moment you are so much more than you can possibly conceive of because in this moment, more than likely, you're focused on your fears. You're focused on what you're lacking.

Focus on your love. Focus on your wins. Focus on the warrior that has managed to make it through every trial and tribulation that brings you to this present moment, wherever you are, reading this. 

And give yourself a pat on the fucking back.

We wait to be the perfect versions of ourselves to start our life. “When I lose this much weight, I’ll start looking for love.” “When I’m making this much money, I’ll go on that vacation.” People are always waiting to start their lives and meanwhile chances of their lives are passing them by. “When I have more time, I’ll start writing that book.” “If I can just catch up on my work, I’ll give myself permission to have a social life.” “When I get there, I’ll finally start living the life I want to live.” 

There’s no there, there. 

There is only here and now, the eternal moment unfolding into space and time. Whatever this moment looks like, grounded firmly in our bodies in whatever emotional and physical state they are in, this is where you start. This is where we do the work. Not in a future that’s not guaranteed. Now. You want to lose weight? Go for a walk. Today. You want to write? Write for a hour. Tonight. You want to quit something? Start tomorrow. 

It’s not always going to look pretty and I'm not saying you should jump into every situation that presents itself. Sometimes the right thing to do is nothing. Sometimes healing your hurt is opening yourself up and trusting someone--sometimes it can look like going deeper within your solitude and not reaching out for external things and people to fix you. More than likely, you're going to learn when you get it wrong--more often than when you get it right. 

Because we change when we are uncomfortable.

I’m constantly falling on my face, very publicly and privately failing. I intend to make more mistakes because my hope is that in very public displays of humanity, I give other people permission to take risks, be free and dig deep into our inner strength and discipline and feelings of worthlessness that exist right here in this moment. When you embody the perfect mess you are in the Now, you give other people permission to do the same.

Every day we are allotted is nothing more than a random gift of chance. Our number can be called at any second. I don’t fear much, but I do fear looking back on my life--or my life flashing before my eyes--and realizing that I was afraid to live.

So to all the men in my inbox and all the folks out there putting off your dreams, your love, your hearts desires until you get “there”—don’t wait. You’re there. 

And this life ain’t gonna live itself.