Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 37: [Dead Wrong]

The thing about a skill that triggers on death is that there's no great way to test it.

The real problem is that the description of the skill was pretty frustrating:

[Cheat Death] is a passive skill that automatically triggers you to cheat fatal damage once per day. The methods of cheating death vary. Use at your own risk.

The only saving grace is that it was passive. Half the time, I'd died so far as an [Adventurer] I hadn't even realized I was in danger before the death blow.

This time, I was acutely aware of my death. Each health point dropped came with the panicky sensation of choking on swamp water. I'm sure it didn't take that long for me to die, but from my perspective, it was an eternity.

Finally, the notification triggered:

[You, Cole Thornfield, are [Dead].]

This time, instead of being deposited out of a dungeon portal, I materialized in a room. The room had no door, just a straw bed and an empty desk with a small wooden chair. It didn't shout 'prison cell,' but it didn't scream 'comfortable eternity' either.

I examined the walls. They weren’t made of brick or wood, nothing I recognized. They were just there, smooth, as if someone created an idea of a room without thinking through the details.

[You're Richard's pet, are you not?]

"I guess? He is my companion," the words stuck dry in my throat. Was I talking to the all-knowing [System] myself?

[Would you give up your class [Dead Wrong] for another one? I can arrange your options.]

I didn't need Richard on my shoulder to tell me that whatever the [System] was going to offer me was likely going to be a bad deal.

"I like my class," I said it as confidently as I could manage, considering I was still technically dead.

[How about Richard? What if I offered you a [Heroic] class, would you give up Richard?]

The [System] sounded annoyed, but tired. There was nothing in the world that would make me give up my friends, and unfortunately, I counted Richard a friend.

"Sorry, can't do that either."

Silence. I stood up, stretching. My clothes were dry, if a bit tattered. The whirlpool had taken its toll. I still had the princess's ring on my finger, and a good-sized sapphire sparkled at me. I tried to use [Analyze], but none of my skills were available to me.

"How long is this going to take?"

[How long is it going to take for you to be reasonable?]

I laughed, bluffing through my teeth, "My last name isn't Thornfield for nothing."

I sat down and picked at my fingernails. I could almost hear the cussing at my nonchalance. Maybe Richard had been rubbing off on me.

[I will return to you as soon as the changes are complete.]

"What changes? I didn’t agree..." My words cut off as I started screaming. It felt like razor blades had been applied to my neck and tiny splinters poked at my lungs. Thankfully, I lost consciousness pretty quickly.

When I woke up, a notification blinked in my vision, red and urgent. Floating on a cloud, with only a couple of health points down, I decided to read it.

[Cheat Death] has triggered.

[Blessing of the Waters] has triggered.

[Skill Acquired: You have gained a new [Dead Wrong] skill, [Gills]. This skill was acquired through [Cheat Death] and [Blessing of the Waters]. You have a permanent body augment that allows you to breathe underwater while retaining your ability to breathe out of water. The cost, however, is a decrease in stamina as one lung is dedicated to each activity. Additionally, you have gained a preference for moist environments.]

I opened my eyes to find what my body already claimed: that I was underwater. Deep underwater.

I took a breath, cool water slithered into my neck, the sensation tickling my throat. The liquid air filled my lung, giving me a sense of rightness even as my mind revolted at its alienness. The air tasted smoky, dirty, as though I was breathing in the smoke from a fire.

It was swamp water. And the gloom pressed in on me, the world dark, cold. It was new, but I was comfortable. I could execute my plan.

My hand no longer held the cutwood, but instead it'd barbed itself to my palm. I noted a [Bleeding] status. My health should have been slowly ticking down, but in my status bar, it held steady. Then my eye caught the dim sparkle of my ring. This time [Analyze] worked.

[[Blessings of the Waters] - This ring belonged to the most powerful [Water Mage] in an age, Leal Voss. It is imbued with magical properties including [Error], [Error], and [Error]. You do not have the correct class to utilize this ring fully. [Blessings of the Waters] is soulbound. A facet of this ring has been used by [Cheat Death] as a boon granted to [Cole Thornfield].]

Haunted by [Error] notifications, I could only imagine what they’d have said. Probably something useful like [Explode Swamp] or [Breathe Underwater without Gills]. Hell, I’d even settle for a [Summon Swamp Mommy]. Couldn’t a guy catch a break?

The water shook as though triggered by my audacity.

My fingers wrapped around the cutwood. I still had a job to do.

I'd come awake exactly where I wanted to be, at the bottom of the tidemaw's stomach. I twisted my body, still breathing without actually taking a breath.

I took my hungry stick and applied it to the spongy bottom of the pool.

The corrupt tidemaw must have felt it, as the water swirled around me.

I drove it deeper, trying to push it through the monster’s skin. Two feet of the stick disappeared before everything changed.

Pop!

Water started rushing past me, rushing out. My cutwood ripped out of my hand, slicing its way towards freedom. The hole I'd made grew bigger, and I very quickly had a different problem as I started to get sucked through. I kicked off the bottom, trying to gain distance from the hole. My feet kicked hard as I tried to swim against the ever-growing current.

Shit.

My stamina was draining, and I hadn't had much to start with. I hadn't thought this all the way through.

The sarcophagus had been thrown up in the turmoil. I grabbed at its sides, pushing myself up, as it fell.

The thing saved me. It wedged right in the hole, stopping the flood of water. At least temporarily. I swam hard, my [Cheat Death] skill was on cool down for the day, and I didn't have a backup plan.

Hell, I wasn't even sure my primary plan was going to work.

Legs kicking, I gained feet, then yards. I could see the sparkling sunlight above me through the debris floating in the tidemaws pool.

I kicked, almost there. My hands broke the surface, and suddenly I was choking for a moment on real air. The gills on my neck spasmed as they dried out, then closed. The air was hot and humid, but the sun shone. The swamp hovered around the mouth of the maw, waiting for what was next.

I heard a distant shout, "Look, there he is!"

Shading my eyes, I saw Leo, Tandy, and Meredeath standing on a small island with a downed tree. I waved.

Then the sarcophagus must have burst through because the tidemaw spasmed again, and a great whirlpool formed. Helpless in its rotation, I started circling down the drain.

Each circle brought me closer to my friends for a few seconds as I sank lower in the water. I could hear them yelling, but couldn't make out any of the words.

My ‘very detailed’ plan to poke the tidemaw in the stomach ended right after I poked. I hadn't considered how it would play out. I think part of my brain imagined a dungeon creature disappearing and leaving its loot behind. We weren't in a dungeon, though. This was real.

Something attacked my head. I flailed for a moment, dunking into the water. Trapped beneath the monster's sticky grip. It pulled at me, tugging me through the water like a sinker on a fishing line. I realized, after swallowing more than a bit of the swamp water, that it was a sticky net that I was trapped in.

"Cole, we're going to try to pull you up," Leo shouted, above the sounds of the tidemaw.

I just gave a thumbs up, their net solution was attempting to drown me as it was saving me.

The net pulled me up out of the water, against the spongy dark blue gums of the beast. Another pull and I'd be right on top of the first ridge of teeth. I suddenly wasn't too sure of their plan.

"Uh, guys... It’s going to shred me!" I yelled as they pulled me closer. I was surprised the rope hadn't frayed as it rubbed against the teeth. The rope glistened with a substance; was it magic? A skill of Tandy’s?

"Just hold on, try to get your feet against the side of the mouth.”

I twisted, sticking my arms through the net, trying to get as firm a grip as I could. It wasn't hard. The rope was coated in a sticky substance, not unlike glue. My feet braced, I had a better view as Tandy unrolled her bedroll across the teeth.

Tandy must have retained some of her weaving skills as the blanket tripled in length. A firm yank, and I was walking up the gums of the beast. As my foot hit the banket, it fluffed up and hardened, almost like a wooden plank. I danced over the teeth, holding onto the net as my friends hauled me out of the maw.

For the second time in a week, I survived being swallowed by a leviathan.

As they pulled, I stepped over one set of teeth, then the next, and was almost vertical in my ascent. The tidemaw seemed to be closing its mouth the more drained its inner pool. By the time I was on the thin, bulbous skin that had to be its lips, I was ten feet in the air.

Below me stood my friends, sweaty and covered in mud. Leo anchored the rope I was climbing by tying it around his waist. He dug his heels in the mud, having slid in the endeavor to rescue me.

Tandy’s eyes looked to be rolled up in her head as her hands stretched out, sending waves of skill power into the rope and bedroll. Meredeath hovered between the two, ready to leap into action if either faltered. Richard sat on her shoulders, looking woozy but alert. My friends had saved me.

Get down here before that thing snaps shut.

Leave it to Richard to bring me back to reality.

I glanced back. The whirlpool had expanded and was furious. Down in the center stood a figure. My eyes squinted, the figure had blue sparkling hair, but nothing else was clear. It appeared to be directing the water down. The figure's face looked up at me.

It may have been my imagination. It'd been a weird day. But it seemed like the figure waved, sending a splash of water up that tipped me over the lip of the maw. Tumbling down, I fell ten feet, hitting the ground in a dull splut, sinking up to my waist in the muck.

I give that landing a 7 out of 10.

"I hate you, too, Richard."